Here we are in our time... or maturing in the off state

Than the time went to growing up our children, different from the time when we were growing up? What were the challenges, what opportunities, what are the dangers? What can be done to hit the "virtual nowhere" or "social anywhere"? As a parent children success may interfere and how can it help? How not to create a sense that "I can't reach, I don't want to be apprenticed to his father"? Says Ekaterina Burmistrova, a psychologist, author of books.

The last year or two to me for psychological help are increasingly turning either to the students of the school, or students of the Institute who are experiencing difficulties of growing up.

Hormonal storm they had, the conflicts of self-awareness has been completed, the child already does not look like a child, technically, they are considered adults, but at the same time there is something that attracts the attention of children and worried parents.

Now coming on to the scene people who are 18+, it's people born in the period 1995-2000, can be plus or minus, because the psychological age does not match the calendar.Anxiety of parents is often related to what type of growing up these children are not similar to the one they had, whose early youth came in the late 80s – mid 90s.


Pending growing up

The last 15 years Russia has been relatively stable in the economic and socio-political terms, and many families have managed to create for their maturing children are sufficiently protected, secured the situation. You can only be glad that they never had before to feel the weight of economic problems.

These children had only enough, and often financial anxiety pressed on parents enough to be translated to the children. Everything was good, well-being growing as well as growing GDP.

These children had formed during the time when the family could afford several times a year to go to rest; when the parents did not need to calculate what the Tutors to send the child; when the purchase of sneakers or jeans was not an event, and you can afford to buy jeans in different colors.

There were, of course, and not a very wealthy family, but parents still strongly defended by this generation of children from a situation of shortage and lack of anything, any resource. Sometimes mom, overwrought, provided only the offspring of one-parent family the same peace and the same feeling that all is well as other. These children did not burn neither behind nor under my feet, so to speak.


These children are not in a hurry to grow up, they are not eager to independent living for all that, they were given a good start, maybe even a springboard.

And it's a total thing, it happens in different families have children with different psychological types with different rates of growing up in different role-playing scenario in families – it may be both older and younger children.

And when the child is not 18, and 20, many parents raised the alarm, they begin to understand that this creature, although it looks like an adult talking like an adult, has a claim as an adult, has the rights of an adult, but still has an adult responsibility. This child, for example, "in the morning asking for money for contraception, and then crying that she got ice cream as a younger brother." This quote is not from my practice, I have it from the secular press got caught, but, in fact, this cartoon is a pretty realistic description of the situation.


Higher education has lost the exclusivity, and prestige

It seems to me, strongly influenced by Western European situation – social and sociological, although there the average age of adulthood then later form a marriage, and later have children, but quite early separated from parents and higher education in most cases get, not living with the family. And we, oddly enough, the housing problem will not go away, as Bulgakov described it, he is about. And living in his parents ' home, the child receives a higher education, being a child in the parental home.

Moreover, higher education has ceased to be something specific, exclusive, prestigious. There used to be a University, which could once apply, it was preparing to enter. Now the situation is completely different – in some Institute child certainly will, and if not received on the budget, will come to pay.


This generation of high school goes to high school, then to College, waddling with a barrel on the flank, even severely strained.

In fact, in this format for many people, which do not change the place of residence, not leaving to another city, the Institute is an extension of the school. The child still lives with his parents, he is still on the full content, and usually not even particularly encouraged to work, but there is no initiative – why earn money when parents give money for coffee?

 There is something other than redundancy and sufficiency

In my opinion, on the situation of children affected by the lack of clear prospects for development and growth, the lack of horizons and a clear understanding of what will achieve if you study well in high school. The fact that when a generation of parents studied and started working in the 90s, it was clear that the country is a mess, disorder, and crime, but there was a feeling that if you try, then your life will be different. The goals were the others – to buy shoes or a new jacket then was hoo! Not to mention about the fact that you can earn and buy a car or even save for a down payment on housing. Besides, there was the possibility of germination of personal initiative. Of course there was Dating and nepotism, as usual, but there was social mobility.

In Russia for the last 15-20 years of prosperity is quite clearly formed hierarchically constructed society, and if your dad took a position in the firm, you have a chance to get into a subsidiary of the company on the same level. You can do it only by belonging to any community, family, structure. But if you don't have such relatives, you have very modest prospects for advancement.

There was one social Elevator is a large Western company, where you can be honest and to work hard and to achieve something transcendental, but some intuitive well-being. And now it becomes less.What I'm saying now that it is possible to read some kind of sociological or economic articles, it is clear to adults, but it is not something he understands 18-year or 20-year-old man. They do not understand the idea, they smell it like the smell, that there is no need to rock the boat. On the one hand, parents provided a comfortable level of existence, on the other hand, no burning, no sparks, no lights. In fact, the only device that starts the movement with increased speed is the desire to escape from this structure and go to the West.

But there are always exceptions, even now among young people are very ambitious, very goal-oriented, who are winning some contests, competitions, enter prestigious universities. It is, oddly enough, pragmatic people, there are plenty of them – people who targeted the sphere of defense and the FSB. When I first saw that in one of the mathematical schools came a nondescript man in a good suit and began to tell about the prospects of admission to a certain Department of a University, where he invited talented mathematicians and specialists in information science, I was very surprised. Someone chooses the sector where it is possible to create some stability.

The overall situation is marshy and unclear future. Yes, you'll get through a good University. What do you care? Will you give something? If you can translate your diploma? Uncertain. And young people hanging out in apathy, go to the virtual world.

Basic infantilization

There are no special places where young it is easy to earn, it is not constructed. Practice part for students is virtually absent. Moreover, parents think why it will work, if you can afford to finish their studies. Yes, all these children and not willing to work for 250 rubles per hour: "how Much is a Cup of coffee in the "Coffee house". Why I go to work?" The parents argue: "Why should I child to send to work if I have even the cleaning lady gets more?"

The first factor is stability. No desire to break. Young people will always open the fridge and get the food, not the tasteless. He will always get pocket money for travel and lunch at the Institute. He even received the money on a tutor if you fail that test something. He will pay the rest and just buy the jacket, no questions asked. If you row, you can get money on a gift for a friend. And what else is needed?

The second factor – the basic infantilization. Parents "generation, with the key on the neck", from the second class warmed for Lunches, and first class were coming home. And these kids first went themselves on the street, 14-15 years, before they were taken. One of the teachers of Moscow schools told me the story of how ninth-graders took the subway to tour. One girl clinging to the teacher: "You don't tell anyone, but my first time on the subway." And these children a lot.

And this immaturity, inability to develop a schedule, to lay down their time, to build a chain of cases – of course, too, halloo to one another. Growing up on average, delayed by five to seven years. Did not go child home from school at the age of seven, and went in 14 here and add seven years to all other achievements. This infantilization is associated with fear, and the fact that some mom does not work and for a very long time may be engaged in the grazing of the child in the after school time, and it is supported by all schools. Any school can set up a meeting with parents on weekdays in the abstract, because it is assumed that the child-the schoolboy is always disabled adult.


These children grew up without a considerable amount of household duties. Generation of parents was sometimes for the coming of their working dads and moms cook soup, wash the dishes. But not those, who are now 17, 18, 20 – they used what they had put, covered, built them, drove them, drove. Their only job is to absorb knowledge.

Anxiety the parents have at the time of the first session, when it turns out somehow strange walking with the child in the Institute, although some go. But if the child is unable to apply to College, so he will learn not.I collect stories about how young people come to work with mom. For example, it was declared the vacancy of accountant, out of the office HR (HR), and there are two on the chair, asks: "who is This with you?" – "This is my mother. She came with me to see if I will sign a contract of employment." One friend hired a cleaning lady come two. "Who is this?" "That's my mother." These cases are not isolated. I say, "Take?" "No, they said, just refuse".


What would happen to the children held their parents?

Many students leave institutions, but worse, when a person studied for five years, and then said, "Mommy, here's your diploma, and the more I this will not do at all." If the child is ready, he tries, he gets tense, he needs to use points that do not correspond to his real level – even if it is any value has no. When a receipt just on pay, and where to go next – is unclear, it is generally not value. This is often generally not the choice of the child, because the University was chosen by parents. When and where to begin adulthood in this situation?

But if people finish high school, they never left it, and the same listless, neither hot nor cold came to work. Again – this is a quote, it was not my idea: "Muscovites – apathetic morons" because Muscovites nothing "fries", they came to work here are, which is not included.

Is it at all times, but the percentage was different in our generation these insure with the apartment was just smaller. And now, little children from Omsk, Tyumen, another oil region, and they have apartments in Moscow and the money that daddy or mommy is transferred to the card. I have an office near the University, there are a series of banks and cafes, and I watch as students take first money in the Bank, then go to the cafe. It is clear that there are other students who will not be there in "chocolate" and eat in the canteen.


The child chooses a profession

In what profession we are now able to give a child? The issue of career guidance is most acute way.

A noble profession – the teacher. By the way, perhaps, people who are focused on the preservation of Russian culture and Russian identity, really have to go to the teacher. But everyone understands that a teacher's salary is unlikely to be comparable to the investment in the profession.

Beautiful profession – doctor. But does every parent will risk to give a child a medicine, knowing the situation in health care?

So, who is not a Manager, the economist or the lawyer.

It's not really clear, built of subsidies to those areas in the state, which could be interesting and useful. Nobody will go to study agronomy when not subsidized agriculture. And no one goes into science, unfortunately, only those who want to leave the country. In the end, young people are affected by a number of factors and the factor of family and the macro-factor, and the factor that it represents now the structure of higher education, and, of course, personal responsibility, which is somehow not ripe.

Abroad it's different, there is clear about the scholarship and about the rating, if you study medicine in the clinical faculty, you will get clear where and what salary. Understand the amount of effort leads to a clear result is not depending only on the welfare of the family.

I'm not saying that the West is some kind of unearthly Paradise, but there is a working education, subsidized health care. And there's this Russian snobbery. Train driver is a prestigious, well-paid profession, for example.

Once we went to Belarus a few years ago, and there are workers repairing the road, and the kids say, "Mom, why are these white working? We've never seen."

We have the same who work as janitors and laborers?

In Germany we sit at a party, suddenly came a young man of pleasant appearance, intelligent species. Say: "who is This?" "Is the chimney sweep he came to us pipe clean".


What to do? What's next?

Ability to make independent decisions formed in elementary school, so the autonomy should be given to the child at that age when he thinks about it, it needs to be somewhere without their parents. Often these students never visited without parents, they are not in any camp did not go, I'm not talking about trips and expeditions.

We need to expand the area of household autonomy and self-election zone, and a zone of material comfort to reduce. It is necessary to create a situation for a teenager 14 years when he will be able or earn some money, or bring some social good to go volunteers, for example.

He should feel that he can do something, that he is the agent of the action, not the subject, which is transported from point A to point B in a very good lesson.It seems to me that it is very important not to decide for the child. Here your child wants to go into acting, is such a crazy idea, she attends not only girls but also boys, something specific, something completely irrational. Rational parents – this child is hard to criticize and put in some kind of framework, and it generates a syndrome for the first session and an early cast of the University. Let him try! Yes, perhaps it would be a mistake. But the exam is valid for four years, the exam can be retaken, and, as a rule, the second choice, choosing your own is much more Mature, and is the choice of the child.

It's one thing if we chose a good school and "did" to the child, the parents decide for the minors. But if we are adult places where we think it is right, that our choice is a five year old apathy in the Institute. That is, we need to expand freedom of choice and risky choice.

I think it is still just a baby need somewhere to work at least a month, preferably not the kind uncle – it really puts brains into place when you find yourself in a situation where there is a duty, you have to do something when you ask work on time. If possible, despite reluctance, to relocate the students with someone together on the third, fourth year, at least as an experiment.

We need to talk about the prospects: "When you're 16, you'll have to earn at least something on gifts to mom, flowers to mom. When you're 18, we'll give food, clothing, but we are not going to give a cafe or some entertainment. When you're 20, you will need to capitalize on your vacation". This is an example. I focus on money, but maybe focus on some achievements.

This loose, not vypilivaya family structures in our social situations can create such precedents, that people 40 years old living with my mom.Sometimes these people then do not build a family, because the family is a responsibility. Why would he want the responsibility? We live for ourselves, let's have a trip. Why responsibility if all his life was cared for only him?


The child with a capital letter

Now there is a special parent slang regarding admission to the University: "We passed the exam. Our tutor. We have done that." Who in the end do? And now the child crawled to the first session, and it turns out that he can't pass, because in the universities the system of control is completely different, the teaching system is different, common assessments no, the session accumulates "tails" – one is confronted with the fact that the responsibility to bear he cannot distribute the load it cannot, if it fails he folds.

And this freshman syndrome is associated with disappointment. Part of that disappointment in the higher education system is very often the Institute is drawn by some heavenly hall, where all the wonderful, terribly interesting, wonderful teacher, wonderful people, delicious food. But it turns out that the opposite or almost the opposite. The syndrome of disappointment superimposed on a situation of disorganization and inability to cope on their own – and here the syndrome of the freshman almost programmed in the current situation with a student.

There is an important point: often parents do not want the child to grow up. This is another factor, family, affecting intergenerational relationships.

While the child is a Child with a capital letter, parents have something to do. And broken mother very scared that now this object will cease to need care, and what it will remain?People at a young age as Bud. But the buds will not open if there are no favorable conditions, not be disclosed to Bud good. He can't stay forever, it will become a fading flower.

Parents think, remembering himself, his growing up, at some point, the child will develop that he is small. Fusion parents are actively waiting for termoyadernoi and children, but parents with a certain charisma and energy children are often much less energetic, and they very rarely compete with the adult generation. If they do not need an active orientation to life, the jet engine turns on.

Perhaps something could be included with time, but the psychology of personality development says that if a function is not needed, it does not start, that is, it is in the off state.published

Author: Ekaterina Burmistrova

Prepared By: Tamara Amelina

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