Single women and their mothers is Often that women can't build relationships. The years go by, all men, but there are lovely mother, which returns a single woman every night.
He and mom love each other and spend a lot of time together, even if in the family there is a "third", father.
However, it may not be. "Holy" mother cleverly plays on the feelings of the daughter who dutifully provides those feelings. And there seems to be a stronger Union of love than the Union between the "Holy" mother and "better half" daughter.
photo ©The Master Photographers Association
Some "saints" make periodic attempts to have a relationship with a man. Only nothing happens, and if it turns out, not for long or very well
, including for the man who is doomed to serve "Holy" mother-in-law and the "better half" wife (not going to pity this man, for he himself chose a life partner). Marriage, the longer for such women is rare.
Usually, if something begins, it ends pretty quickly with the phrase "I told him/don't trust men" or "I'm looking for, but there are some womanizer or bastards, all men are the same".
But as you know, the choice of a partner happens unconsciously and quite eloquently "said" about vnutripsihicheskoy able choosing.
For the sake of justice it is necessary to remember and about men who choose the above women. Looking for looking for a wife, and "normal" is not. And no, because the real choice of the object – contrary to unconscious and consciousness. It turns out that men and women being "slaves to their own unconscious" (Freud) cyclically choose their opposite partners than in their minds. As a result, frustration.
What caused such unconscious preferences? Try to understand.
Why we choose "wrong"?
Unlikely to surprise if I say that this problem "feet grow" from childhood.
If the child's mother is not satisfying her romantic relationships with the child's father or another man, it runs the risk of unconsciously using the child as a sexual or narcissistic object for yourself. In other words the child uses to reinforce her significance and self-esteem.Women often just say: "I want a baby for yourself!" "Man I don't need them!" "My child and without it will live fine". In such a situation, the child performs an important for mother's protective function – serves as a "band-aid" to the wounded of primary narcissism (Freud).
That is, the mother has narcissistic injuries associated with her own early childhood, which she unconsciously hoped to heal by means of the child.
The child in this case has all chances to become "wounded" mother object, designed to compensate for her lack of a man or even to replace it
, be it "mental phallus." When the mother does not exist sexy, desired and loved by her man, then the child is doomed to be a sequel in the literal and figurative sense
, if she doesn't turn to a shrink for the study of primary narcissism.
"Child of night"In French psychoanalysis, the name stuck for the children of these narcissistic mothers – "baby night".
And, indeed, often exactly what happens at night in bed with her mother sleeping child at a time when her husband is banished to the other room or none at all, to the delight of mom.
And, really, why you need a husband when "child of the night" for a mother becomes unconscious replacement of the father figure as a sex object. This kind of mother raises a child not to it was free and belonged to themselves, and for themselves.
The child must be good, good to learn, but not for himself, not because it'll be useful in the future and to all said "you've got a good mother once brought such clever".
Such a child has no right for error, because this error is perceived by the mother as a personal insult and a blow to its reputation – narcissism. If it's not a daughter in high school, and mom + daughter as a single unit. The constant pursuit in everything since birth. The constant “we we WE” and never a daughter alone, the mother separately. The child has almost no chance to secede from a mother, and this symbiotic relationship can last a lifetime.
Such requirements, albeit unconscious, of the mother to the child since its birth can injure the narcissism of the child and he will be forced to grow up quickly.
Remember the concept of Frenesi "wise child". He writes: "We can think about the fruits that ripen and are filled with flavor too quickly, if the bird has damaged them with his beak and also on the accelerated ripening of wormy fruit.
The shock could push some part of the individual to instant adulthood – not only emotionally, but also intellectually". Why is the baby forced to resort to "instant adulthood"?
"The fear of the uncontrolled and in a sense, crazy adults, in this case, the mother makes the child, so to speak, to shrink; to protect ourselves from danger from the unruly adults, he must first be able to identify with them – the adults", that is, he must be a grown-up and wise. As adults, children whose mother excluded the father from the relationship, have serious problems in the construction of their own love relationships.
Because they are still psychologically dependent and are strongly associated with their mother, they feel unhappy and responsible for the misfortune of their parents, and primarily mothers.
Psychoanalyst McDougall, gives an example from personal experience:
The mother of one of the patients said to his daughter: "Men appear and go, they can not be trusted, and mom, you will always have!" I mean, you can only be my own and draw more and it will be forever. This manner of upbringing is common in women in the psyche where there is no symbolic image of the father.
The girl told from a young age that men are selfish pigs and are ready to seduce the woman he borrowed it, subdue it, it will be difficult to love or trust the man she loves, and also it will be difficult to separate from the mother. Usually such a zombie daughters and sons begins with childhood. Growing up, the child increasingly learns antitrust propaganda mother. In the end, the child perceives its own condition as hopeless, because in the mind there is no "third".
In adulthood this child produced a stable pattern of relations "mother plus child", not "third". Only mother one love!
The man consciously wants to establish his personal life, but does not work. In such cases, one respected analyst said, "And want, and prickly, and my mother will not allow...".
Is it not possible to love both mom and man at the same time?
As for love, Freud argued that love is not boundless, but rather very limited.
As an example, he compared love with dangorayo in which there is a certain amount of money. A person can distribute the money to all people equally, then each would receive a paltry sum, or to identify someone most of the money, and the rest of the money equal or unequal parts to distribute among the survivors.
Based on this example, it is clear that if a significantly large part of the love given to mother, to everyone else, including for a future husband, it remains a small part of "love capital".
Thus, it is possible to infer:when the daughter can't "get out of the old relationship (the old mother)" almost all her love was invested in the mother.
Accordingly, all attempts by her daughter to love a man will be doomed to partial or complete failure, because the resources for love are left.
In addition, all attempts to create new relations are perceived as a repetition of the old bad relationship.
What are the most likely prospects for such a child in the future?
Listed, starting from the more innocuous to serious diseases: neurosis, borderline personality disorder, perversion (as a defense against psychosis), schizophrenia, psychosis. Patients with schizophrenia at the age of 15-40 years regularly lead their mother to a psychiatric hospital, with the phrase "we cheer". Often, in anamnesis of patients with schizophrenia symbiotic relationship with the mother, absent or weak father.
You can add and cancer patients. Such relationships are very damaging for a child and his prospects in life, because in relations and comes to incest, but most are able to restrict what is called the "incestuousness" – incest, not turning into action.
And such relationships lead to degeneration, psychosis and death. Psychoanalysts, exploring cancer patients, found that in the anamnesis of these patients there is often a fact of living mother with a son or daughter in the same room and often in the same bed.
By the way interesting fact: there are cases when mothers with good intentions, offer their virgin sons-teenagers with cancer, themselves. So they did not die without tasting a woman.
Is there a way out of this situation, and if so, what?
Of course, it all depends on the person's desire. No desire – no result. "If the mother wants the baby to be mentally developed, she must follow his wishes, but he must serve her sexual desires. And for that she needs to love and be loved by the father of the child," writes McDougall.
Therefore, if a woman feels that the man she needed only as a breeder, and the child as a balm for the narcissistic wound, but she's not happy with this situation, the most favorable way, in my opinion, is psychoanalysis, and it is desirable at the stage of planning of the child.
Relationship check: Thanks and move onWhat is the consequence of the difference in age of spouses
If a man feels that in his life there are only those women for whom it is primarily a tool to meet personal needs, and this situation is not satisfied, then it should also see a shrink to work out the unconscious motivation behind such choice of love object.
If awareness of the situation came after the birth of a child, then again, psychoanalysis helps to restore the "law of the father" in the patient's head and see the output. published
The article lay knowledge and experience of the doctor of medicine and psychoanalyst Joyce McDougall.
Author: Kirill Kryzhanovsky