Mistakes: to appreciate what you have, and those who are with us
We were twenty-something, and all around EN masse entering adulthood and dabbled in family roles.
Remember so well when I first came to realize family life. It was a few days after the wedding. I stood stroking kilometers just washed the curtains and here I am as an electric shock: is that now, these curtains, shirts, pants and socks around the house forever?..
Fifty two million three hundred fifty four thousand five hundred sixty
Correct answer: Yes.
To meet, even for a long time is one thing, but to start a life together is another. Beat carpets, wash the toilet, poison worms in cats, to make repairs, to wash, to cook, to budget, to take out the trash, politely, not to make friends with the neighbors, call the plumber, to work for a full day and not to slide into a dull irritation at each other from fatigue is a survival game.
Life didn't bother me. Angered the other – when you ask for something not to do, and it still is. Repeat, the two repeat – as the wall peas. The quarrel became more frequent, louder, more hysterical.
And more and more unbearable after them.
A lot is said and done then, in my first marriage, I am ashamed. It was eight years of relationship (and we started to meet in the lovely 17), which had very few relationships and a lot of nonsense, pain and pathos.
We were idiots, but, unfortunately,not happy.
Yes, we could talk about everything for hours, smoked cherry tobacco, wrote letters to each other in the next room, singing, drinking and dancing…
Until it was something more, a special time to grow up and to cry.
In the end, everything is so confused that at some point, clearly drawn by the smell of decay, and I decided to stay with nothing and return to zero, to the beginning, in the parental home ( though there is defeat?:)) it would be better than to continue to keep the family together. Because to continue was nothing.
My own limits were long ago passed. This was not an option to escape in the boat and rowing hard. It was to have a useless helm, salute and go down with the orchestra, "Nearer my God to thee."
Because as some already impossible to save.
Fifty two million four hundred ninety eight thousand nine hundred forty nine
The time of troubles is now remembered as a mist, but it does not hurt and does not scratch. Resentment is strong, sharp, burning, burning out – healed and does not bother. The questions "what and why" – became unnecessary.
Only the lived experience of divorce taught me so acutely now to appreciate what others perceived as given.Once mistakenly perceived as this myself. And that never, unfortunately, not thanked.
To be alone, to leave, to start with a clean sheet is always very painful and hard. This is how to learn to walk again, learn to believe. Sometimes you have to make up for lost years, and this should be ready in the beginning.
I was just telling myself that Yes, maybe I will lose a few more years before meeting the person for whom you'd want to marry.
Yes, despite all my training, my body will age, and character becomes stagnant. But I promise myself: I will never marry just because "a good man" or "Oh, so I am already 32 – it's time!". I'll wait for the one from whom I have goosebumps, who I want to stupor and in whose hands will find the most reliable, most faithful to their refuge – their Home.
But until that happens, I'll be waiting. To build a career, learn to understand themselves, to follow the body change for the best, believe it the best and know that he is mine, not married and without children (this is important!) is and it is for me. Who would have a memorial service for my personal life were not satisfied. Because personally, I had plans for happiness.
And ahead of me waited eighteen long, empty and lonely months.
There are truths that do not become dirty from frequent use:
Save your unions.
No divorce is pretty. It's not what it takes swagger, it's always a hole, scars and long-lasting phantom pain.
Let's appreciate what is, and those who are with us.With whom do you Wake up in the morning and from whom you have children or a headache. Who stays with you during the most difficult times, who may not always as you think, you understand, but always able to laugh and maintain. Who trolls and cherishes you, who believes in you more than you yourself. The one in whose arms you're Home.