Leading to cheating and alternative family models

Naida Dobaeva talks about how skin condition is linked to sexual dysfunction, explains why it is so difficult to get consent for sex change, and discusses what leads to infidelity and alternative family models. Where I studied: In 1998 she graduated from the North Ossetian State Medical Academy. Since 2003 - researcher at the Department of Sexology of the FGBI "Moscow Research Institute of Psychiatry" of the Ministry of Health and Social Development.

What studies: sexual dysfunction, dermatovenerology.

Special signs: likes to spend time with children, going to the theater, traveling, classical music and Dostoevsky’s books.

I am a fourth-generation doctor and knew from childhood that I would follow in the footsteps of my family. My father, Vladimir Dobaev, was at the origins of sexology in Russia. After reading an article in Science and Life about Professor Georgy Vasilchenko, one of the “dents” of the discipline, he was so inspired that he came to him in Moscow to study. Now the father is the chief sexologist of the Ministry of Health of North Ossetia.

My path began like this: I was in Moscow for advanced training – in a residency in dermatovenerology. The dissertation wrote about the clinical and psychopathological features of sexual dysfunctions in patients with chronic dermatoses. In short, the nervous system and skin in utero developed from a single germ of the dermis. The skin acts as an indicator of our internal state: if, for example, a stressful situation arises, problems begin with it, and when we look unattractive, our self-esteem often suffers. And this can lead to problems of a sexual nature - in the human body everything is interconnected.

When the Federal Scientific and Methodological Center for Sexology opened about 30 years ago, the appointment was scheduled for several months in advance. Over time, people became more willing to share their problems with the doctor. Sex is a litmus test of relationships, communication of people in the most subtle sense of the word. At the heart of sexology is psychiatry, because all sexual dysfunctions are somehow related to our internal state, our perception of the world, while physiological causes account for only a couple of percent.

I am often approached by couples facing sexual disharmony. It happens that first one partner asks for help, and then, on the recommendation of a doctor, another comes, although in most cases - without realizing that he also contributed to the situation. Sexology is a rather delicate field: it is impossible to take a pill and expect that all problems will be solved. For the doctor-couple trio to work, it is necessary to cooperate in which both partners participate, without shifting responsibility to each other. The task of the doctor is to open the “layer cake”, to understand where the roots of the question lie. If at the first consultation the patient comes with a problem in the sexual sphere, then gradually the conflict in interpersonal communication comes to the fore, which must be resolved, and then proceed to the primary request.

For example, a rather relevant topic is virgogamous marriages. Couples in them can live together for more than one year and never have sexual contact. They usually go to the doctor when they plan to have a baby, although there are exceptions. Recently, a girl turned to me - from her words, peace and tranquility reigned in her family and the question of sexual relations was not particularly raised. Began to understand, and it turned out that the husband spends a lot of time at the computer and does not pay due attention to the companion. After a conversation with her husband, the situation became clear: the man was afraid of his other half, believed that she was putting too much pressure on him, and avoided intimacy. When talking, couples often do not hear each other - the sexologist should listen to both sides and bring the situation to a common denominator: a woman should explain that she should not put pressure on a man, a husband - that he should prove himself as a man. The doctor acts here as a conductor of information in the form in which both partners can accept it. Another common problem I'm approached with is a man's misconception that if his girlfriend or wife doesn't orgasm at every intimacy, there's something wrong with her or him. In fact, a woman is increasingly psychologicalized - several factors must coincide: desire, appropriate mood, hormonal background. Conventionally, it is believed that if in half of cases a woman reaches orgasm, then everything is normal.

Recently, people come to us who want to change their gender. In such cases, special medical commissions are created – a person is under the supervision of doctors for several years before any decision is made. Often, this desire is based on mental illness, so we rarely give consent.

Two years ago, the Sexological Association Culture and Health organized the Agarkov National Institute of Sexology. One of the directions is the development of programs for sexual education of adolescents: we organize and conduct field trainings for schoolchildren, psychologists and teachers. Very often, the topic of sex is closed to teachers and parents – they are not ready to talk about it with children. What we want is for teenagers to form healthy ideas, so that those who often communicate with the younger generation know how to answer children’s questions and how to react. So, the child must realize that his parents will always love him: they can be dissatisfied only with his action, and not with himself. It is important that the child is open and not afraid to share their experiences. Adults should know the basics of child sexual development. Masturbation during youthful hypersexuality is normal. If the parents caught the child in this occupation, you can not make fun of him - so you can harm his development.

There are certain stages in the formation of sexuality. The platonic stage of libido develops in kindergarten when the first sympathy appears. At school age - 12-13 years - erotic libido is formed when you want to communicate and talk with someone who likes. Sometimes there are erotic fantasies, but it does not come to their implementation - you can kiss or hold on to the pen as much as possible. At 17-18 years old, the sexual component of libido is formed. Often in families where there is a taboo on talking about sex or parents speak negatively about it, a young man or (more common) a girl sexual libido is not formed - they do not want contact with the opposite sex. You can not discount the sexual constitution, which affects sexual activity. Each person has his own type of constitution: it is weak, medium or strong. In a relationship, it is desirable that these types of partners coincide or are in neighboring groups - such pairs will be more harmonious. Today, there is a huge variety of courses devoted to sexual relations – they are especially popular among girls and women. But many of them, instead of telling you how to build a relationship with a man and present yourself, the emphasis is on the fact that you just need to learn certain types of caresses and techniques - and the man will not go anywhere. The institution of the family is being transformed. In my practice, I see how fast guest marriages are growing. We become more selfish, we want to make life easier for ourselves, because relationships are work, and first of all, work on ourselves. And when people stop working on relationships, cheating happens. It is believed that women are more monogamous in nature and are aimed at the family. But in practice, there is no special difference - it all depends on the sexual constitution and human development. Men are simply more free to choose, and our society is more loyal to them.

People agree on some interests, sympathy, love. While it’s new and exciting, it’s easy. Further, with the development of relationships, when the first wave passes, you need to be ready to feel the problems of a person, learn to love him all the time. For example, you have no mood and your partner does not have it either, but you need to gather and try to support and help each other. And that's more complicated. At this stage, a lot of people break up. It’s important to talk to each other and tell them what’s bothering you. Unstructured relationships affect all areas of life. You should come home and know that this is your fortress, and there is a man waiting for you, with whom you can honestly talk, who accepts you for who you are, and who will stand next to you.

Source: theoryandpractice.ru