From time to time almost everyone asks: "How can I make other people...(need to write)". How to make the other realize that changed behavior? This question plagued friends, he asked on Internet forums, this question are to ask the psychologist. Variations are different, but the essence is.
Well, no, actually. How to explain to parents that I'm an adult and have the right to wear an earring in the navel, to tattoo and to spend a lot of money on cosplay suit animeshniki hero? How can I wean my husband leering at other women, especially when I'm around? What you need to do to husband stopped virtual romance? What words to explain to her that it is not necessary to go into life growing up son? How to force an adult daughter to clean my house and convince her to cook something and not eat only takeout sushi? How to get your husband to find a normal job and earn money, which is not ashamed to tell? What words and actions I can convince the man to accept a bigger part in the upbringing of children and not just put a video on for them while he sits at the computer?
The answer is one, and it is simple: NOTHING.
No, seriously. I'm not even talking about the fact that magic button, no one man no, and remake another miraculously fail. I on the other: in the end, if man could learn from a psychologist a few magic words that would help transform the middle on the desired image, then... then reinvent it would be unclear: "Why is it necessary to alter me under his demands and not him under my queries".
I mean, imagine, for example, a mother who wants to hear from a psychologist what to say or do to affect my son. She wants the child doing the homework, cleaning the room and back before 22:00. Mom and I would like to do something, to find these words, these methods of influence to the other person (first child) all this was fulfilled. Well this is for his benefit, at the end of it all! But there is one thing: a child-have their own plans for their own lives and free time. Son, by contrast, wants to spend the least time to prepare for the exam, and the high – hanging in the social networks, well in the evening meeting with friends he also has an extensive program. And the child, if went to a psychologist might phrase the question: "How do I get my parents to calm down so they didn't pry into my Affairs, and instead, silently, without question, gave money for a trip to Kazantip and new roller skates?"
It is unclear why it is necessary to alter one person the tastes and needs of the other. Why any living person should change for someone else's patterns.
For this "redrawing" of another without his will and knowledge has a name — manipulation. When the manipulation of another person is perceived as a means of achieving their goals, an instrument, a tool. The purpose of the manipulation may not always be "selfish interest" often is merely a desire to organize the world around them in some specific way: for example, mother, "raising a son neat", does not aim at profit and does not want to enslave son's homework. Often, this mother just wants her child shared her values and his room looked like mom likes. Well, that is, that the environment the middle it was decorated like mom considers it appropriate to the world around her was organized as it seems logical and correct. So easy, so familiar, so safe. To get used to the artistic manners of the younger generation, to see his unusual manners and relaxed behavior – scary.
Here mother and son under customize template behavior. So all manipulation to adjust a living person under some kind of scheme seems simpler and more preferable than to change your settings about the outside world and the idea of the friend that is trying to "align a file". Mom not wanting to clean up son is easier to be unhappy, not to make the internal stress and to recognize that the child has grown. The parents of an adult daughter, who is spending all his considerable earnings on freelance sewing costumes for acting out of role-playing games, it's easier to resent. Much harder to accept that the world has changed and that today it is possible to earn not only in the machine or in the office, but at home on the computer with Skype, or even sitting at night on the Internet.The idea that I might be out of date – heavy and scary, it is easier not to recognize the updated reality and make the claim of the modern media innovations. Husband wife windy is easier to hope that there is a magical spell or such a method of influence, from which man will cease to correspond on the Dating site with others or stop to flirt with the neighbor. It's much harder to admit that maybe the woman herself made a mistake, and it's not the same man she desired: it was expected that he would throw a bachelor's frivolous fun, and become a reliable husband and father. To admit that she was wrong, and to choose the groom was not only cheerful disposition and sociability – scary.Because after this difficult recognition will also need to decide how to build the relationship further, perhaps, without this man – and he spent years of his life. The hope is that there will be "clever manipulation, which is impossible to resist," it seems this woman is more calming and allows you to postpone heavy, and awareness of the difficult decisions on "someday", for an indefinite period.
A search of "how to make it..." is usually a way to lie to yourself. It is an attempt not to admit to oneself something unpleasant, frightening truth — about himself, about the middle or about the world.
An honest question to ask yourself is "how can I make it" is "what can I do in this situation?". That is, to recognize that the reality here is this. That the son is messy in my room, maybe even sneaking a smoke in it. The husband, indeed, ogling the lady in the supermarket, while his wife departed for a basket, and apparently almost took her phone number, so inadvertently returned spouse. My daughter seems to do, makes some strange way, at night, drawing some graphics on the computer, and then almost all the money spent on some outfits out of strange fabrics and rivets. To start is to recognize that everything is exactly as it looks. Then try to understand their feelings on this subject.
Not necessarily to throw out all the raging emotional flood on the 'perpetrator' experiences. But at least, we confess - worth. Oh, and finally, most importantly. To think about WHAT I DO NOW. Now, when I realized that the surroundings that is.
Yeah, I know, it's scary. Go through all those steps (awareness, emotional acting out, decision-making) no particular skill is difficult. But I just want to say that this method works. In contrast to the method "change me, dear psychologist, other person under my request". For such a little that a normal psychologist will undertake, but this desire is fundamentally unrealizable. Other people are not clay that we can mold according to your wishes. With other people you have to interact and negotiate, one way or another. And for this, the first is to recognize that they are what they are. Not a semifinished product for the production of them that we would like to see in their place.
Author: Elizabeth Pavlova