Parental impotence

"Dad, I have a problem..." pop up on the screen part of the text messages abruptly pulls out of his thoughts. Your heart is pounding, fingers trembling, opening the entire message.

"I had a fight with a teacher, he makes me call...", "I need to tell you bad news...", "I told the psychologist about myself, she wants you to talk about..."

Every time he pulls me like a current. Have to run, to save, to protect. And he is not sugar. Says boldly, any hint of injustice causes a storm of rage. But he was mine. All what it is.

"Hello, your child is doing such things! Affect him...", "I Have no conflict with him, he's just...", "it lacks parental love and affection!.."

The boy is 14 years old. Best friend invited him to visit on his birthday. They are friends from the first grade... I realized immediately — quiet strange howls were not allowed to work at home. I found the sound, it was heard from the wardrobe in his room. For a long time, and hysterically quietly...

— You regret?

— No, don't!.. Yes, let's! Good that you came.

— I barely found it.

— Yes, I deliberately hid in the closet, but I was hoping you'd find me.

What's going on in his head? At school he talks from fives to stakes, of 12 consecutive twos for my homework in physics. "He's a smart boy, but ..." the Tutor shrugs: "I don't know what to teach him, he knows half of the solves in the mind!"

He weeps my shoulder, curled up on my lap, so small, heavy, unhappy. It just twists and mangles. "It's all my fault, I'm such a freak that I can not be friends!" For a long time. Painfully. I Pat him on the back, remember, and tell, how at age 17, two friends from wealthy families promised to take me to the disco. They were on the car, a white five "Zhiguli" — as "luxury". Disco, girls, inaccessible and alluring adventure. 1994 — we lived from hand to mouth. I was waiting for them near the window two hours, and with every minute became more and more bitter and unbearable. I threw! How could they! I guess I'm so awful that to me it should be.

My inner wounded teenager hears the pain of his son directly. But we must not fall into the pit, not to allow his anguish to roll in full force — now he needs help, my little boy with an adult betrayal.

— I was in school, we need to talk...

— Or maybe not?

— Alas, have.

— Do you believe them?

— I believe my eyes. I saw the video...

Drooping shoulders, eloquent silent gaze, saying, come, urine... But I am a parent, I must, if I don't educate, then who will educate. In me boils righteous, destructive, poisonous anger.

— Yes do you not understand that?! Yes, you...

— ... (silent prayer). Yes, I promise. Just stop it.

I have not hear his words — the text comes from somewhere in the depths of consciousness, about shame, about the janitor, about hamley unworthy... Beautiful flow, like a sewer.

You know, then be ashamed, then I will hate myself, but the wave of righteous anger that seems so correct, the only possible one.

Impotence. Horrible, sticky, heavy as. I am powerless to change another person. To beat to death can be crushing emotionally can. I'm stronger, and he without me. And he will learn what is strong is right that to love is to beat that his opinion is worth nothing...

From weakness I fall into a rage. I stomp their feet, and banging on the table, and in my head: "I am afraid for you! I can't bear to see you suffer. I can't help you live it." But the "spell check" gives some other text about: "Lies! How can you, then, is not respect! I'm not more help..."

How to combine in one my head is incompatible? How to maintain it when all of us want to turn away? How to set limits and to withstand them when he is crying and begging her? How not to lose your parental authority? As not to trample his love?

The younger son asks the sisters for ice cream. Loud. She refuses. She did it to yourself. "My, I didn't!" Already open my mouth to say the contrary: "Well, you give him, sorry, what?! See whining!". She'll give. In 10 years, it is still a good girl. Her hunched back is a rebuke to me. And brother will hate. I solved your problem. At whose expense?

Resist, watching. The volume builds up, the son with anger hits his sister in the forehead with a spoon. This would have been to punch him, saying, it is impossible to fight! What's next? I climbed, did not give them the opportunity to behave as they think is right. Arrogantly interrupted the course of their lifetime.

Child therapists, I was taught that if an adult interferes with disassembly of the children, it will flash the anger at an intervention. Such an interrupt destroys the possibility of direct resolution of the conflict. But to Express this anger there is no way it is banned. And all the anger kids hurl at each other. The consequences in this case can be much more devastating.

One thing to know, and quite another — to see how the conflict erupted. I feel disgusting and dad would let you separate. Tell them: "Only you can build relationships with each other". It turns out that it is difficult to give children to solve. To remove the crown of omnipotence.

Again impotence. I can't help them to build relationships. Wrote large Valery Panyushkin: "I'd make sure they didn't hurt". Not to go, when don't ask, don't revocate, without complaining, lying to myself that doing useful. Acknowledge your helplessness.

And do what? I know how to be smart, know how loudly cursing and refuse support if the children don't do what I need. And all this is not that. It's not about them, but about me. I can't admit to myself that I don't know how best to proceed. How to comply with their own, and their interests. And remain Pope, to which you can come to embrace. And write text messages: "Dad, I have a problem..."

P. S. Put the children to bed. Hear like a little gentle voice said her sister, "good night!" And she wishes him sweet dreams. From strife have not disappeared. Smile. This time succeeded. And the senior stick, it's not moving. "Dad, I posted the solution to difficult problems in "Vkontakte" and the three thanked. For the first time!" My impotence is their ability. May God give wisdom to remember it always. published

Author: Sergei Fedorov

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

   

Source: www.matrony.ru/roditelskoe-bessilie/