You know, to become a man, a boy must "opt out" of the first woman in his life, namely his mother.
And to become a woman, a daughter needs to "give up" the first men in his life, namely his father. In the words of Bert Hellinger: "sundolier early enough to get out from under maternal influence and enter the sphere of influence of the father.
And the daughter should early enough from the sphere of influence of the father again to enter into the sphere of influence of the mother. If not, the boy remains the only young man and conqueror of female hearts, but not the husband, and the girl girlfriend and lover, but not wife."
I think this is a very important and interesting topic for every woman, so I asked to talk to special guest, Sergei Muchkina, a psychologist, a trainer-consultant, coach. Sergey regularly appears on the channel ORT ("1st channel") in the programs dedicated to issues of psychology. Topic of conversation – "momma's boy and daddy's girls: is There hope for happiness?".
Sergei, we all know how important mother in the first years of a child's life. And ideally, she should give the child?
Of course, mom is important. Mother gives life. And for the child – mother is life, it is associated with the world. What does the child relate to the mother – the same will and attitude to the world. And Vice versa: what the child feels the attitude from my mom, so he will think that the world belongs to them.
If mom is going well – that the child has basic trust in the world, to mom, to life, to other people.
What can a mother to do? – only what can. Ideally, up to 2-3 years more bodily contact, attention, approval, affection and tenderness.
If the mother, for some reason, emotionally unavailable to the child, there is something called "interrupted movement of love." Is open, easy, trusting the child's movement forward, to peace, to life, there is a reverse movement, from men of the world, from life. There are patterns of escape, secrecy, avoidance.
Often this interrupt occurs when the mother or the father of the man are in the soul tied to someone or something in his own biography. For example, if a mother lost their mother or father was a soldier in the war, we can assume that they were emotionally unavailable for their child.
It is possible that some of the moms reading this material, you can start to worry: "well, I sort of "not received" the baby is not made...
It is not necessary. You as a parent should not feel any guilt. You did what you could. And the child took what he could perceive. Writes, for example, Liz Burbo: "the child came to this world to complete their lessons..."
Sergey, why should girls be my mother's daughter, and the boy dad's son?
I don't quite agree with this, and I'll try to explain why. Let's see how the process of development of boys and girls in the family.
The boy was born, the first years of life is "in the sphere of the mother." His task is to learn this same confidence: the world of life. But then — there comes a time when it needs (for its normal development) — I go to the father. And be in "his field." Naitives male power, male energy, studying the male model of interaction with the world and life. And then, as they say, the power of the mother is boundless. For it alone, in your heart can either release the child to the father and give him a chance at normal development, or to leave it with him — eternal "Mama's boy". And the child, if he feels the prohibition or the reluctance of the mother, of course, will not go to the father. Because, deep down, most importantly the desire of a little man — to make mom happy so she was fine.
It is clear that the father must be ready to "make" a son. And if he's willing, such fathers with boys.
When the boy became imbued with male energy, it is usually no need to stay with the father. Some time it is still in the parent system with a certain degree of autonomy. And then comes out of it, becoming a free and independent man, ready to choose and build their own relationship.
With girls the situation is somewhat different. First girl is born and is "in the sphere of the mother." Then, in the same way a girl should "go to the father" ("mother should "let go" of her and her father "to take").
Here much depends not only on the "release" of the mother, but on the willingness of the father to "accept" a daughter. Sometimes, that fathers have problems.
If everything is OK, then next, after the girl "saturated" with love, attention father and his father's energy, it is again, already in another status should be sent to the mother. Already learning from her how to be a woman.
If the girl is "captured" dad, we get the classic "dad's daughter" – a girl with a fairly pronounced masculine energies (and with a claim to dominance in the relationship).
If the girl safely separated from the Pope and stayed in the field mom enough time learning to be a woman, then she is separated from mom, that it is no longer necessary. For some time, quite a bit, it can stay in the parent system, but then it also goes and out of it, becoming a free woman and ready to create a happy and harmonious relationship with the same harmonious and separated from the parent system man.
What happens if a boy remains a Mama's boy son, and the girl daddy's little girl?
In short, nothing good. The girl is dominated by masculine energy, she's usually a lot can be men friends, perhaps it is good for career, business, but in personal life it lurk some pitfalls. Who will she choose as partners? Normal, completely separated from the parents, man she can not choose, she's not interested. Why would he be in the family another "man"? He himself was a man. If such relations will develop, they will be exhausting, will be a constant struggle for the lead, and as practice shows, these relationships will be short-lived.
Accordingly, a choice that her remains is a "Mama's boy", on which she would love to take the headship and patronage. But the relationship she will be forever unhappy: "What kind of man I got, not a man but a rag, nor a nail or to fix a tap," etc.
What is bad for men to be "Mama's boy": not proactive, waiting for women guidance? Yes, it is, of course, can be flexible, to allow the women to govern themselves, to be a good helper on the farm, and all the money in the house to make, but the problem is, can a woman be happy with him? And this is a question for the woman. Will she be able to respect him? I am first and foremost about the inner respect when a woman says to herself: "with me – the best man in the world". If you say something else, then what are you doing with this man?
What about those who are already over 30, but they are still Mama's sons and father's daughters? There is hope for happiness?
Hope for happiness ever can and should be. The main thing to understand is that if you are a "daddy's girl", in a long-term relationship with you, can only be a man of this type, as it is now. Yes, unfortunately, it is most likely a "mother's boy". You subconsciously want and are ready to lead, he subconsciously wants and is ready, that they would have led. Well, so do it wisely. Send him to the top of career, business, politics. Respect him. Criticism, you won't be able to change.
In addition, any person, and especially close is our mirror. In the sense that it shows us ourselves. Our feelings and emotions. Do not think like "I have these feelings because he's so"! No, it is exactly the opposite. You had and have these feelings, and you "attracted" to a man, know yourselves. A change of partner, without inner work does not solve anything.
Want change – start with yourself. Change you, change your surroundings. Then next will be the person that will be possible. If you do want a more happy, harmonious, successful relationship themselves become the other.
Yes, it will take time and work on yourself. And possibly professional help. Then you decide. The most important is the willingness to change your life.published
Interview with psychologist Sergei Muccini, prepared Tatiana dzuceva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©