How to speak that children listened

I remember my son was born David. It's been five seconds since birth, and he still hasn't started breathing. I was scared. The nurse patted him on the back. No reaction. The tension was excruciating. She even said:
– What stubborn.

There was still no movement. And after a moment, he finally screamed very shrilly, as only babies cry. The relief was indescribable. But later that day I began to ask myself, is he stubborn. By the time when I brought him home from the hospital, everything fell into place – it was just a stupid word stupid women.How can I attach a label on a baby that lived less than a minute!


Nine million nine hundred forty thousand two hundred seventy nine

Nevertheless, the next few years, when he continued to cry when he refused to eat new foods, refused to sleep, did everything that we had on the bus in kindergarten when he wasn't wearing a sweater on a cold day, in my head, but it didn't stop the thought: "She was right. He is stubborn".

You had to know before. All psychological courses, which I attended, warned of the danger of self-fulfilling prophecies. If the child is labeled as "incapable student", it can start to feel that way. If you think the child is naughty, it's likely he'll begin to show you how unruly it can be. Need at all costs to avoid labeling. I completely agree with this and still could not to think about David as a "stubborn child."

The only thing that reassured me is that I'm not alone. At least once a week I've heard other parents say something like:
"Older I have a difficult child. And the younger one joy".
"Bobby is a born bully."
"Billy is a simple man. Anyone can cheat".
"Michael is a real lawyer in the family. Knows the answers to all the questions."
"I don't know what to feed Julie. She is so picky about food."
"To buy something new for Ritchie – it's a waste of money. It breaks everything it touches. The boy just clear the destroyer".

I always wondered how these children acquired their labels in the beginning. Now, after years of listening to what happens in families, I understand that casting a child in the role can begin quite innocently.

For instance, one morning Mary said to his brother:
– Give me my glasses.
And his brother says:
– Help yourself, stop command.
Later she tells her mother:
– You brush me that hair were smooth, without nodules.
The mother says:
Mary, you again dispose.
However, she later says to his father:
– Not talk. I'm watching that.
To which he replied:
You got it, boss!
Gradually the child once marked, begins to play the role. In the end, if all call Mary imperious, so such she should be.

Sometimes it is enough of only several words, look, intonation to tell the person what he is "lame and stupid", "boring" or, in essence, attractive and capable person.Often you in only a few seconds can understand that parents think about you. If you multiply these seconds on the clock daily communication of parents with children, you realise much on children affected by parental opinion about them. Not only their feelings affect themselves, but also their behavior.

But what if the child already passed a casting for the role for some reason? Does this mean that he needs to play that role until the end of his days? Should he get stuck on it, or you can free him to become what he wants to be?


1. Look for opportunities to show the child his new image.
2. Put the child in a situation in which he differently will look at itself.
3. Let children will unintentionally hear as you speak about them something positive.
4. Behave as want that behaved your child is.
5. Store the special moments connected with yours child.
6. If your child behaves according to old label, state it your feelings and/or your expectations. published 

Author: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, from the book "How to speak that children listened and how to listen that children spoke»

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

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