Some time ago, had one interesting conversation. The fact that in June 2011 we were visited by Stephan Hausner family. Stefan is known in the world of juggling and homeopath. He and his wife have six children, and the youngest is 6 years (With Stefan and his wife — about 50).
And the organizer of the event told me about his approach to raising children. That Stefan, having arrived with the child, not to adjust its program under his desire. Son just had all the time with my parents. And they traveled to the Holy places of our region, was at the Museum of the Blockade and so on. In General, the usual six year old child it would be too sad and boring. But their son was satisfied and happy.
And what you told Stefan, very surprised me and made me think. He said that ordinary parents are always coming up with lessons for their children
. We want them to occupy and entertain. So kids stop themselves to do, and they need more of our involvement. "I'm bored. What do I do?". They demand more and more attention, and parents do not have enough forces and capabilities to meet all children's desires.
From an early age the children go to educational groups, then the mugs, entertainment centers, amusement parks. A whole industry is built on that over the weekend, parents take their children to "rest". Zoos, water parks, dolphinariums, aquariums, theater, movies, museums, go-karting...
In the end a child gets? A lot of emotions, impressions, new desires. But most important – he's never happy. It comes out of Disneyland after a day of riding a roller coaster and eating ice cream. And to the question: "Well?" says that something is not enough, something did not like.
Is it even possible to have a big family in this format as it is now? Because sometimes one child feel exhausted parents whims, desires and behavior. And if these two, three, six?Perhaps not entirely appropriate metaphor. But for some reason I imagine a mother-monkey, which leads children to ride the giraffe, and then drags them to attend school where polar bears live. Rather, it will do their business as usual, which will harmoniously fit children. And will learn from mom how to live in this world.
Why do we have this happening? What is lacking for children and why we so zealously engaged in this endless razvlecheniem?
Have you made contact?
The child needs contact with mom and dad. And the contact should be permanent.
It's not that the whole day need to sit and look at him. Contact is the ability of the child at any time to contact parents. Asking with the desire to share something with the pain.
When the baby is born, its the first thing put on the abdomen of the mother. He needs to continue contact. And the first time he asks her to be as close as possible. To sleep together, wear in a sling, breast-feed.
This intimate contact transformirovalsya. Of physical – more emotional. The two-year kid, it is important to show my mom your skills to pogorelko after a fall, help in a difficult situation.
Three years need answers to all questions, assistance in establishing contacts with the world, teaching self-help skills and assistance.
The children often need to know that they have the opportunity at any time to go to mom. At any time when required. If the child has this understanding, he won't pull parents every five minutes. Because he doesn't need to prove it.
It's like life in the big city. The majority of inhabitants of megacities, according to polls, do not need to go every day for sightseeing. But they appreciate the opportunity at any time to go to the Hermitage or to the Red square.
In today's world parents are unable to provide the child with such contact. We lost at work. From morning to night. In the weekend I want to compensate for your lack of "buying" the loyalty of the child is regular entertainment. And this again is not the desired contact with the parents.
Be in contact with the child – not so easy. To allow him to pull us from the important things in order to appreciate the pattern. Or hear his sudden offer to walk during heavy rain. Or even just to notice that it is not on its own — even if it does not say.If he has no contact – he will be something not to miss. Each of us can look at my life and realize that throughout our lives we are looking for something. We always miss something important. From the very childhood.
Maybe that's why we are constantly trying to attract public attention – a smart and outrageous behavior, their achievements? Maybe that's why we don't believe in the sincerity of others and do not know how to build relationships? Maybe it is the lack of contact with parents – the reason for our low self-esteem, complexes and negative programs?
After all, once it was different. When the mother did not work, and was engaged in farming. Children growing up beside her, helping her and learning from her. Grown children took with them in the field or in the forest father. And the boys learned from him. Girls and their intricacies were taught mother.
Yes, people lived differently. They didn't travel the world in search of impressions, and are not moved from place to place, not change of friends, car, garden. Maybe they simply did not have need for constant flickering of images on the outside, having a rich inner world?
Selfishness as a disease of our time
The child whose parents indulge all his whims, ensure the fulfillment of all his desires – whether we like it or not – grows selfish.
He did not understand why he needs to give up something, something to give, someone to serve. He lives since childhood in the world of entertainment which revolves around his person. And it does not distinguish between needs and desires. For him it is one and the same.
He sees no service. Because parents are busy serving each other. The more the child. Because true Ministry is not to indulge his whims. And to give him what he actually needs. To respond to his needs.
Parents do not let children contact, replacing it with pleasures. And since very much like their children, they try to give these pleasures to the maximum.
And so growing up, we think that all we have to do something. Parents should buy us a condo and a car, to pay for education. The state is obliged to provide us with social programs.
And we think that everything has something to say about us. What someone thinks about us is bad, what someone thinks of us well. All that is before us. Our world revolves around us. And so we have a continuous complex of public attention: "what will people say?"
We also think that all should be on our way. So the husband should do as I want, children should behave as I should. And even God needs to give me everything that I want.
And face the family heads of two selfish, none of whom wants to give in. The light appears a third selfish reason we are a bit ready to sacrifice their interests. But not enough to come out of his shell and touch his soul with your heart. But only so that he, too, appeared his shell around us.Because it is easier. Easier to buy a gift than to have a heart. Easier to celebrate the birthday in a cafe, than a soul to bake a cake. It is easier to go for a weekend in the entertainment center than along to go camping.
Easier to buy a ready home than to build it together. Easier to take round-the-clock nanny to raise a child.
As it is I have
I remember my childhood and realize that the happy part is the time when we lived in the Dorm. When my mother did not have the opportunity to engage in amusement of me. And she had no one to leave me. So I was everywhere with her. Home, sometimes at work, the store, post office, Sberbank, in the passport office, on business trips.
I was sitting at the table with adults, where no other children. And you would think that I was bored. But I listened to their conversations. I was wondering what it's like to be an adult? What are their thoughts, concerns, worries?
Yes, not always I loved it. Especially stuffy office mail queues and bureaucratic office. But I knew from childhood how to fill out the papers and in which Windows they stick. I knew how much food and how much they need to cook something. We washed clothes by hand linen I ironed their clothes. Together with her mum cooked delicious cakes and cookies, in 6 years was able to stay home alone. And mom was behind me calm.
I wasn't bored. I was glad that mom takes me with him. Up to a certain age – in which I said that more to her not going. Because I'm not interested.
Now I have growing children. And I see that they are calm and happy, when we are at home. Or walk. Or we're all going somewhere. On vacation we go where we're interested in. Because conventional a holiday in Turkey or Egypt all-inclusive rate we will not survive.
I at this point still need to find that line. Because my mom had no other options. And I have. And sometimes they seem easy and tempting.
The words of Stefan penetrated deep into my heart and struck me. I realized that it is impossible to educate so many children. It is clearly Stephen Covey, whom I respect immensely, and raise their nine different.
I realized how often I fall into that trap. When you go to shop for shoes yourself, and buy one designer. When you put the child cartoons on demand. I saw again clogged with clothes racks my sons and dozens of boxes of toys.
I often choose activities for children, not for family. Zoos, playgrounds, amusement parks. In this situation, we are all very tired. Coming home exhausted, albeit with a lot of experience.
But when we make a choice in favor of total relaxation – a walk in the Park, trips out of town or visiting friends, socializing with friends in the bath — the effect of the other. Children are calm, we are satisfied.
And there is power, there is inspiration. This does not mean that we do not go to zoos and amusement parks. Sometimes there are there. When everyone feels that way.
Older child I the started to drive to classes. Still don't understand why. Junior develops at home. And learns very quickly. He already knows how to wash your hair how to cook porridge how to comb. Once even almost shaved :) Well, the machine was not a blade.
At home I do my best to do things, not children. They are at this time together with me. They eat, I wash the dishes and talk to them. They play I work. They wash – I hang out the linen. They see what constitutes a normal life. How to prepare food, how to wash linen-like weave mandala...
I'm with you. They can always call me and I will come. And I think it is more valuable than amusement parks, jumping trampolines, educational centres and kindergartens.
Yes, we still took the elder out of kindergarten for good. Although he only went in for half a day. Because of communication he has enough at home. Brother, with guests on the street. Classes also have – but the ones that he needed speech therapy and psychological. And his home more comfortable – he's not sick, he grows, learns, grows.
What we want for our children?
They just want to be with us. To be able to learn from us. To be in contact.
And if we can't provide them with constant contact – it may be wise to change the attitude, for example, to rest? Many families go on vacation somewhere where it's good for children. Thus by them it is boring and uninteresting. They wanted something different – mountain campaigns, rafting, trips to the cities. Happy children watching the victim's parents? Happy child children's resort, if mom and dad bored and sad faces?
And will it be hard for a child to wander with you on trains and planes, if your eyes will burn with joy? So great is the difficulty of traveling with a backpack and a tent, if in the evening the whole family sticks together around the campfire?Why would parents not to start to do what they themselves wonder along with children? Thus clearly indicating that it is your desire.
Which may be of interest to the child (and not that "We go to a Museum and you see me in 10 years and say thank you")
It is important to determine the transition point – when the child shows their interests, their lives, their plans. And from that moment to give him personal space. Seeing the experiences of parents, he will be aware of how you can fulfill your desire so that all of this was good.
Our children want us to be happy with them. To the mother sitting in the decree, did not feel a Groundhog. The Pope did not give up their hobby because of them. To leave everyone relaxed. So mom and dad wouldn't have asked if baby brother, and made the decision themselves.
They do not need our sacrifices, for which we are in 20 years will invoice: "I raised you, fed you, and you...". They don't want to for their sake that he sacrificed their happiness, their relationships.Along with the happy parents – the child becomes happy. And the key word here two or "together" and "happy." And both are equivalent.
Also interesting: Perfect parenting: myths VS reality 5 reasons to STOP saying GOOD to their children
To be with happy – does not mean ownership. To be together with the poor does not mean happiness. So let's learn to be together and happy. I wish every child to be able to feel along with the happy parents! published
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
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