Coma life or the Last dawn Bashny.Net

I never wanted to know what the last day of my life.

I never even thought about that one morning outside my window will fall all the same sun that rises in a ring of endless dawn of the Earth, but — the last time.

So we are organized, we are afraid to die, but live like it could happen to anyone, but not with us. Oh, we are just going to live.

Nobody wants to grow old but die young no one is ready.





I was no exception. Today is my last dawn. I met her with bitter taste of irreversible separation. I recognized her.

I was more fortunate than those for whom it was or will be in total ignorance.

But now I know that this is something that unites us all — a single, authoritative finality of all that had a beginning. Everyone who ever born here will one day face their last dawn.

When I was a kid, I loved to imagine what I'll be like in 20 years. But 30, 40? 40 years for me was a deep old age and I imagined myself that way. I have a wife and three children. I will be very adult, very important, I will earn the money and definitely we will be happy in our family.

I imagined pictures of his very adult life and they were all very Sunny.

"Very" is a vivid, succinct, emotional word from childhood. In it it had a special meaning. It was very large and was able to impart something more of yourself or should be.

I am 34 years old. At least, that's how much I was at that time when my life still wanted to stay, but the body could not hold this pressure. Yeah, I don't feel old, and now I realize that does not an adult. But today, I saw my last sunrise.

Today the life support system will be disabled. I know it was a hard decision, I feel emotions, hear conversations and understand that I died a long time ago. I waited patiently. I had time to prepare, I listened to a lot of, many felt, had a lot to understand, to experience, to accept, to love. In a word — everything that we catastrophically do not have time in my life.

I had this. I have no days and no nights, I live a different life and measure its presence in other settings. But I always feel when the sun rises. People just know just stating that it was morning. And I feel that the sun rose, each time it gives me a new dawn.

But I don't know anything else about the night she comes and what she's doing. If it's not in my life, as there is no schedule, no time, bad or good weather, no disappointments, attachments and self-imposed depression, I am free, because my body is in a minor note of his solo.

Me long time no talking. Don't believe the movies. Man is so constituted that he can't communicate with someone who won't talk to him, who does not look at him, do not exhibit visible, familiar, and confirms contact movements, and under the question great, if she could hear.

Even with God, man prefers to talk "about yourself", although God is a wonderful conversationalist.

I am also a good conversationalist, I very carefully and patiently learned to listen, and in fact, few people can boast of such qualities. Implicitly or explicitly, almost everyone knows what a valuable quality, almost everyone needs it, but somehow childishly greedy to give that joy to others. Because it is one of the most valuable gifts human-to-human — to be heard and understood.

Yes, if you are able to hear, you are able to understand.





But we love to create artificial deficits, to be unhappy and to live with expectation. We all the time something or waiting for someone, we are so loyal in your expectation that when it comes to what we were expecting, we almost never can be happy, because that's not quite what I wanted, it seemed, was waiting, and fell in love with. Or do not already perehotelos, if "order" was for a certain time a certain day, a specific month and year...

I smile. Yes, I have to report it, because my body no longer moves. I live in the perfect peace, which we can easily argue, but do not know and abide in him do not know. I have also used.

Often I hear your cell phone ringing in my room and the haggard voice of the father or someone from the family often says the word "same"... I understand... But... Only man can be so careless with words, the meaning of which is always deeper than he wants to use.

Life is not static, nothing about it is "the same" every second of life changes even when you just lie, you think still, life goes on, in this moment, she never stops for a second.

Here life is seen very differently. No. It is different. I almost did not hear the sound of dimensional ripple devices connected to my paralysed body, but always hear how sighs the father. We had never been so close with him, as it is now. I feel his mood, I hear his quiet steps to the house, I always know when it came it.

He never talks to me out loud. Never. But I know his thoughts and feel the pain that give him memories. Sometimes I want to take his hand, feel his warm, rough palm and say that he didn't regret that I love him that all I want is to leave.

I am very tired. Everyone is very tired. And no, nobody needs life energized body. But I say nothing. I understand that he needed time to make such a difficult decision.

Father was always very strict with me, he was bad with emotions and affection, and believed that the only way he will grow out of me man. He was afraid of. As all parents are constantly afraid of something like fear is able to change something, or by itself, at least something productive.

Fear... a voracious, bottomless Chimera, which is able to cripple and topple into the abyss of the most beautiful emotions. Fear paralyzes, immobilizes, kills and is still hungry, and requires new and new portions of our emotions. The most useless and lifeless experience. We cultivate it with the puppy and then live with that wolfhound life, managing to appease his sweet seed, but would it have not been touched. And nobody comes to get him out the door, where he will die without food and attention. It is not compassionate dog, this is the beast that eats us systematically, fed ourselves, when we think that he lives in the next room. And soon the whole life is measured by its location in our life...

As we would like now to hug my father and tell him how I love him, that he was not to blame, he had nothing to fear, ever.

But I grew up in the same room with this beast. I also tacitly acknowledged his rightful roommate and unconsciously learned how to feed him, only he hadn't touched me, small and defenseless. And now I see how he lies at the feet of the father, hungry and angry and relishes the remnants of his mental strength.

"Father! Father! I love you!..." I'm ready to scream, but it is not accepted to raise the voice, because everyone whose heart is open, you can hear... "Dad! I love you! You hear?!.. And mom loves you!..."

Now I know for sure. I always felt that she was close, though, and saw her only on photos. I just now got rid of this subcortical feelings of guilt in what happened. When the mother decided not to terminate the pregnancy, the father was opposed. They argued a lot and fight about this, because the threat of her own life was serious. To give birth was impossible. But the mother insisted. I never knew motherly embrace. But after I was born, never knew my father...

The guilt was eating me from an early age. And in our house, there lived another disheveled, wild and eternally hungry beast. Wine... the Two roommates is enough to keep the life in his likeness, a representation in the mediocre scenario.

And now, these two hungry boar, fear and guilt, champing loudly, gnaw my dad. "Dad... I love you! Thank you for everything! I love you, do you hear? Let me -- I gotta go. I'm very tired..." — I repeat it every day many times. Only now he can't hear me.





What on earth I bothered to say this before? What generally prevents people from saying what they feel? What prevents them to live and not to imagine that they live? Yeah, uh, these two. Two voracious, carefully nurtured Chimera. See? Oh yeah... I forgot that we, as a family, we don't take them seriously...

I have to go. I'm ready...

One thing I never understood, why unrequited love is so painful? And why is it so much?.. Maybe because we are from early childhood teach anything, but to Love — is not taught. We were not taught to raise and to Love, learn to live with It in the same room, but only She can hear without voices and sounds to see with eyes closed, to feel in the stillness of the body, to breathe, to give from the heart, respect and no Commission knows the answers to questions.

We all miss Her, but never learn. Why? Wait.

And not have to wait. You just have to love...

I had in this life? I managed importantly — learned to love. I had a life and could only now. And that's why I was late. I love. But I gotta go. published

© Tatiana Baruch

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

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Source: www.slovomiru.com/2013/05/koma-jizni-ili-poslednyaj-zarya.html