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Relationships with parents —to accept and respect
You probably not just once or twice heard such recommendations from psychologists, priests, friends, I read this in the books. This is what will immediately tell any "psychologically savvy people", they say, first with parents to establish relationships and then everything will be. And I often talk about it that's important. But we don't really know how to do it, why, and where it should lead.
Often we, those trying to establish relations, you want to solve a lot of problems. The problems of today, yesterday and tomorrow. Want to be respected, treated as adults, do not violate our borders, and thus that relations were warm and sincere, so we often praised and never criticized that parents behave wisely, correctly, to live not interfere.
And even better, helped with the kids, money was sometimes given, my apartment that is exchanged for us, nothing is required. And he admitted his mistakes, apologized for the past, realized that was wrong. In General, the list of typed considerable.
While we don't really care about what we feel now that want to feel, we just wanted that relationship to look a certain way and was not hurt. That's all. And for this we are ready to do something. Something — but not very much.
Eat a couple magic pills and somehow "conjure" his mother (remember the cartoon "Brave heart") that this is the mother to live not interfere. Sometimes outwardly we are ready to do very much to save them, to help them struggling, with little changing what is inside, remaining in their claims and expectations (well, definitely will thank you!).
Many people think will start to do something, will write a letter, and relationships will improve, the parents will change and everything will be as I have always dreamed of. A warm and trusting relations, full of love, respect, support, understanding! Real happy family like in the books. And all my problems will be solved by themselves.
Or find the father who left me in the childhood will come to him first — and he will come to me in tears and apologies, will fall to his knees, hugging and swerve for me, mountains all these years of silence. The apartment will give at once, I will say that I have always loved and waited.
Or get back from training, taking there two days his mother, and she will throw at me, and we'll hug and we, as girlfriends, to sit up all night in the kitchen and chat heart to heart. And more she never hurt me before.
In this case, we will be disappointed. Because the external relations will remain long the same as it was. He's too inert to change as fast movements of the soul always slow.
But in a relationship involving two different souls – and therefore need more time. Many, not getting instant results, leaving this lost cause, they say, was not, and is not necessary. Put yourself to the check – the relationship fix tried, failed.
But many people do not want to establish anything, thinking that will have drinking father to chat, to hug him, even though it does not want to see. Or have mom to listen to her negativity, or in-law hated to play love, to do what they want. Why, they say, to establish, if without them, I feel a lot better? I don't need no relationship! It is better to abandon the parents and all the rest. Well its that family strength at this price!
But we have a lot to lose. Very much. Lots of talk about this here and there, and again do not want to repeat. Yes, I think this is important. Healed heart can open you more opportunities to be happy. And for that you need to solve the issue of these relations.
What does it mean to establish a relationship with your parents?
1. Change our heart.
Our main goal is not change the visible part of the relationship. The task is to change their attitude to parents in your heart. Find something for which we can thank and respect. And accept as who they are. How exactly those parents who need us. That is, to calm his heart. This is the most important and often this is enough. Although it is much more complicated than just to pretend that we in this place all is well.
2. External relations – secondary.
As such relations may not be at all, and sometimes it is very good, such a pause, the silence, which allows to clean the inside. Almost always useful at this time to disperse (if you live together) or increase the distance between you, especially if the relationship every day hurt. So it will be easier to change your heart. Externally the relationship may look broken (although I would call it a pause), or they may seem the same — with quarrels and accusations, without any communication and contact, and so on.
The main thing here is what is happening in your heart. The outer reality is usually delayed for several years. It depends on many factors — the desire and willingness of the parents to change something, for example.
3. Parents will not change.
Should accept this fact and not try to fix it. They will do what they always did. They will again hurt us — at least to try. But to test whether such agony at the same time — we choose ourselves. And the ultimate goal is to learn how not to suffer at the same time, to live the pain quickly if it occurs. And not lose respect for parents.
4. To designate the limits.
Make parents does not mean to accept everything. I'm talking primarily about different destructive habits, which in any relationship is unacceptable. Most likely (in my experience and the experience of our readers), you have to build up the distance, the rules and limits.
And for that, you should understand that your communication is unacceptable to you. For example, you can warn that the conversation will be completed whenever you hear insults to your address or the address of your spouse. And to be consistent in this – he heard another insult – hung up or left the room. No scandals, tantrums and everything else.
Important to understand the difference — you are not trying to alter them, you are trying to change the usual communication between you. To again make it easier for you to maintain respect for them.
5. To be prepared for their offense.
Most likely, you will have some time to deal with their grievances and recriminations, will look you up and guilt, and the feeling of "I'm a horrible daughter." Say Hello, but don't invite them to sit down. If you are at work in your heart to restore the respect for parents, everything else is irrelevant. This is a byproduct of change, which is not always pleasant. You should be ready that it can happen.
6. Get out of the game.
When you stop playing usual games, there is a chance that parents will understand that it is pointless, you don't react. And if they respond, then just increase the distance again. For any game requires two participants, if you from the game come out, the other party gets bored roll hysteria nowhere to hang the guilt where it did not hang, trying to climb on the handle and on the neck of anyone who substitutes nor one nor the other.
7. To calm your heart.
When your inner attitude is adjusted, you have still changed or not. And this is probably one of the main criteria that all turns out. When you know what they are and such, most likely, will remain. But you still grateful to them for all the good that you have been given. And can respect them for what they gave you. Whatever it is — a lot or a little. As much as you need.
8. Do not drag for two.
Don't try to pull everything in your personal resource. When you so want this "harmony", which is written in the books that shove themselves in a corner and suffer. Even the fact that I don't need. You beat — you smile. And do everything possible and impossible out of getting out, and it becomes easier not.
To establish these relationships inside your heart, you only need you and your desire. Relations were others on the outer plane — it need both sides. And each must complete his or her part of the way, otherwise it is self-deception.
By the way, my husband actually does the same thing, but due to the fact that connection with him stronger, and this difference in the generations and there is no age for change requires less time.
As long as you have a lot of extra force and you work for yourself, and for the second side, everything seems OK (except that for some reason you get tired). As soon as the power end — all slipping even deeper than it was before. And your partner is already accustomed to the fact that you do everything you are already uncomfortable, and again comes the guilt.
So resist the urge to make it perfect as fast as possible at any cost. All the time. And to be honest, you can live without friends and a good (external) relations with parents. For many years already live so – and nothing else. Any adult can — and one day will encounter such a need, even with a perfect relationship.
But you will not be able to live happily, if in your heart there is pain from these relations. If "mom" or "dad" (or "mother" and "father in law") are linked in your inner world, only with stress, pain, dissatisfaction. So change your criteria most of these a good relationship with them and not engage in the reality around you, not changing the world, and parents in particular, and the purification of their own hearts.
What does it mean to establish a relationship in your heart?
But there is a universal source of such love when others to find. The Lord — he's the father of all living beings. And our mother is nature.
Why not learn to draw energy into them, there's this stuff so much! And then go cap in hand for years where they give nothing because I have nothing to give. But by the treasures of every day pass, hungry and poor.
I must warn you. It will take not a day or a week or even a year. Sometimes the "calm in heart" will take 3-5-10 years. And the sooner you start the better.
Instead of chewing years of resentment, remove them and their acredite once. Instead of making parents the cause of all his troubles and failures, become happy today. published
Instead of having to change them, accept and begin to respect. Changes in your own heart — the most important thing. The rest is a trifle.
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/chto-znachit-naladit-otnosheniya-s-roditelyami/
Often we, those trying to establish relations, you want to solve a lot of problems. The problems of today, yesterday and tomorrow. Want to be respected, treated as adults, do not violate our borders, and thus that relations were warm and sincere, so we often praised and never criticized that parents behave wisely, correctly, to live not interfere.
And even better, helped with the kids, money was sometimes given, my apartment that is exchanged for us, nothing is required. And he admitted his mistakes, apologized for the past, realized that was wrong. In General, the list of typed considerable.
While we don't really care about what we feel now that want to feel, we just wanted that relationship to look a certain way and was not hurt. That's all. And for this we are ready to do something. Something — but not very much.
Eat a couple magic pills and somehow "conjure" his mother (remember the cartoon "Brave heart") that this is the mother to live not interfere. Sometimes outwardly we are ready to do very much to save them, to help them struggling, with little changing what is inside, remaining in their claims and expectations (well, definitely will thank you!).
Many people think will start to do something, will write a letter, and relationships will improve, the parents will change and everything will be as I have always dreamed of. A warm and trusting relations, full of love, respect, support, understanding! Real happy family like in the books. And all my problems will be solved by themselves.
Or find the father who left me in the childhood will come to him first — and he will come to me in tears and apologies, will fall to his knees, hugging and swerve for me, mountains all these years of silence. The apartment will give at once, I will say that I have always loved and waited.
Or get back from training, taking there two days his mother, and she will throw at me, and we'll hug and we, as girlfriends, to sit up all night in the kitchen and chat heart to heart. And more she never hurt me before.
In this case, we will be disappointed. Because the external relations will remain long the same as it was. He's too inert to change as fast movements of the soul always slow.
But in a relationship involving two different souls – and therefore need more time. Many, not getting instant results, leaving this lost cause, they say, was not, and is not necessary. Put yourself to the check – the relationship fix tried, failed.
But many people do not want to establish anything, thinking that will have drinking father to chat, to hug him, even though it does not want to see. Or have mom to listen to her negativity, or in-law hated to play love, to do what they want. Why, they say, to establish, if without them, I feel a lot better? I don't need no relationship! It is better to abandon the parents and all the rest. Well its that family strength at this price!
But we have a lot to lose. Very much. Lots of talk about this here and there, and again do not want to repeat. Yes, I think this is important. Healed heart can open you more opportunities to be happy. And for that you need to solve the issue of these relations.
What does it mean to establish a relationship with your parents?
1. Change our heart.
Our main goal is not change the visible part of the relationship. The task is to change their attitude to parents in your heart. Find something for which we can thank and respect. And accept as who they are. How exactly those parents who need us. That is, to calm his heart. This is the most important and often this is enough. Although it is much more complicated than just to pretend that we in this place all is well.
2. External relations – secondary.
As such relations may not be at all, and sometimes it is very good, such a pause, the silence, which allows to clean the inside. Almost always useful at this time to disperse (if you live together) or increase the distance between you, especially if the relationship every day hurt. So it will be easier to change your heart. Externally the relationship may look broken (although I would call it a pause), or they may seem the same — with quarrels and accusations, without any communication and contact, and so on.
The main thing here is what is happening in your heart. The outer reality is usually delayed for several years. It depends on many factors — the desire and willingness of the parents to change something, for example.
3. Parents will not change.
Should accept this fact and not try to fix it. They will do what they always did. They will again hurt us — at least to try. But to test whether such agony at the same time — we choose ourselves. And the ultimate goal is to learn how not to suffer at the same time, to live the pain quickly if it occurs. And not lose respect for parents.
4. To designate the limits.
Make parents does not mean to accept everything. I'm talking primarily about different destructive habits, which in any relationship is unacceptable. Most likely (in my experience and the experience of our readers), you have to build up the distance, the rules and limits.
And for that, you should understand that your communication is unacceptable to you. For example, you can warn that the conversation will be completed whenever you hear insults to your address or the address of your spouse. And to be consistent in this – he heard another insult – hung up or left the room. No scandals, tantrums and everything else.
Important to understand the difference — you are not trying to alter them, you are trying to change the usual communication between you. To again make it easier for you to maintain respect for them.
5. To be prepared for their offense.
Most likely, you will have some time to deal with their grievances and recriminations, will look you up and guilt, and the feeling of "I'm a horrible daughter." Say Hello, but don't invite them to sit down. If you are at work in your heart to restore the respect for parents, everything else is irrelevant. This is a byproduct of change, which is not always pleasant. You should be ready that it can happen.
6. Get out of the game.
When you stop playing usual games, there is a chance that parents will understand that it is pointless, you don't react. And if they respond, then just increase the distance again. For any game requires two participants, if you from the game come out, the other party gets bored roll hysteria nowhere to hang the guilt where it did not hang, trying to climb on the handle and on the neck of anyone who substitutes nor one nor the other.
7. To calm your heart.
When your inner attitude is adjusted, you have still changed or not. And this is probably one of the main criteria that all turns out. When you know what they are and such, most likely, will remain. But you still grateful to them for all the good that you have been given. And can respect them for what they gave you. Whatever it is — a lot or a little. As much as you need.
8. Do not drag for two.
Don't try to pull everything in your personal resource. When you so want this "harmony", which is written in the books that shove themselves in a corner and suffer. Even the fact that I don't need. You beat — you smile. And do everything possible and impossible out of getting out, and it becomes easier not.
To establish these relationships inside your heart, you only need you and your desire. Relations were others on the outer plane — it need both sides. And each must complete his or her part of the way, otherwise it is self-deception.
By the way, my husband actually does the same thing, but due to the fact that connection with him stronger, and this difference in the generations and there is no age for change requires less time.
As long as you have a lot of extra force and you work for yourself, and for the second side, everything seems OK (except that for some reason you get tired). As soon as the power end — all slipping even deeper than it was before. And your partner is already accustomed to the fact that you do everything you are already uncomfortable, and again comes the guilt.
So resist the urge to make it perfect as fast as possible at any cost. All the time. And to be honest, you can live without friends and a good (external) relations with parents. For many years already live so – and nothing else. Any adult can — and one day will encounter such a need, even with a perfect relationship.
But you will not be able to live happily, if in your heart there is pain from these relations. If "mom" or "dad" (or "mother" and "father in law") are linked in your inner world, only with stress, pain, dissatisfaction. So change your criteria most of these a good relationship with them and not engage in the reality around you, not changing the world, and parents in particular, and the purification of their own hearts.
What does it mean to establish a relationship in your heart?
- To remove all complaints and grievances. Parents gave you as much as I could. And more than anything you need. Not understand, not accept, not to help, not to live as you want. Nothing. Let you hate it, it is not clear, but it is.
- Stop judging their behavior, habits, way of life. Chicken eggs do not teach. And Junior can't judge and decide whether the right senior in terms of their own choice. Yes, maybe they destroy themselves, lead an irregular life, make mistakes. It can only accept and stop to evaluate.
- To realize that all this is not a fatal error and injustice, and the path to your soulthat it is no coincidence that it came to this "class" with "object" and "teachers" in order to pass your exam.
- Not to compare with others. We all have different path and different starting points. Your path is individual. Let someone like that, and you like it. But your way is another. It is beautiful in its own way, it has its possibilities and joy.
- To live their hurt and pain, to throw them out on paper, for example (to write a letter of resentment, not one). Clear your heart from those bags of rotten potatoes, which you there wear.
- To learn to respect. Even if you respect not for what. There is a great practice bows, which you should do every day, at least 40 days in a row (she was in several parts, the book described). There are different trainings and methods to stay feeling and build the correct hierarchy in the family. Try, use, use, not expecting quick results.
- Be thankful for what we have! Take a notebook and write down the things that you did for the parents. Starting from the "given life", "raised", "nourished", "example given" (how or how not) to some of your pleasant childhood memories (they are in everyone of us, it's just often hidden under a huge layer of pain). Remember and build upon — any detail. What parents helped you, where supported, where made you change, what is thanks to them you become better.
- To take responsibility for their own lives. It's so convenient – just that – the fault is not me, it's all of them! To abandon such a weight gain is not easy. But worth it. Stop piling on the parents blame for their failures. I can't get married not because mom is so and so, it isn't about you, it is only an instrument of my destiny. I can't get married because I don't want to change his heart, afraid of relationships, don't respect men and don't want friends. And so on.
- Give yourself the right to live their life, set the rules of communication with parents, distance — all that will help you a heart to keep respect. And to make their own decisions how you want to live where, with whom, how to raise children, what to feed them, how to teach them. Give yourself the right to help parents when you have the opportunity, not biting off your own arm at the elbow. Until you such permission will not — it will be very difficult.
- NAichi sources of parental love to feel filled. Parental love in this world enough. There are those in whom it are infinitely many, there are those who little to share at the moment because of their life experience.
But there is a universal source of such love when others to find. The Lord — he's the father of all living beings. And our mother is nature.
Why not learn to draw energy into them, there's this stuff so much! And then go cap in hand for years where they give nothing because I have nothing to give. But by the treasures of every day pass, hungry and poor.
I must warn you. It will take not a day or a week or even a year. Sometimes the "calm in heart" will take 3-5-10 years. And the sooner you start the better.
Instead of chewing years of resentment, remove them and their acredite once. Instead of making parents the cause of all his troubles and failures, become happy today. published
Instead of having to change them, accept and begin to respect. Changes in your own heart — the most important thing. The rest is a trifle.
Author: Olga Valyaeva
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.valyaeva.ru/chto-znachit-naladit-otnosheniya-s-roditelyami/
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