Today invite You to read about how to react the mother, if the child is with her behaving the worst. Says family psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova.
Whom the child loves – that from him and goes
One of the most frequent requests of parents in advising is: why my child behaves the worst with me? He is well behaved in the garden. To him no questions from teachers in the classroom. Nanny said: "we don't Have any problems." And only with mom – this is mainly addressed to the mother – child behaves just awful. Often parents, especially if it is the firstborn, do not understand what is happening here.
Very common this trend: if something goes wrong, then blame is the parents. I, mom, did something wrong, so the child behaves so difficult.
There is one simple rule in the psychology of parent-child relationships: the child behaves the worst with someone you love the most. Or rather, with whom the most close and trusting relationship. If you are faced with the phenomenon when your child behaves the worst with you – rejoice, you made him the same basic level of trust, which is so fashionable to mention in the modern theory of attachment. It is, indeed, a healthy relationship with my mom.
If the child when mother goes toe the line, and all the bad behavior issues, say, nanny or grandma, this behavior should cause much more tension. So his mother built, he mom is called, "office suit". But this is a rare case for this to work not just full time, but in General all the time. And quite a few to see the baby.
This type of behavior is the child in those families where there are two cleaners who work through the day, and parents can see him on the weekends. From my point of view, fortunately, in Russia not very much. Our standard situation is usually this: the mother is the most close to the human child, and the child with her worst behaved.
The explanation is: Yes, the child with the mother behaves worse because it can afford not to control their behavior and emotions, while with others he had already learned to control themselves and even makes it systematically. This is the first reason.The child is a chameleon
The second reason that children behave worse, and again with mother, this child is a versatile radar and absolute chameleon in terms of emotional reactions. We're talking about the preschool child, rather the child up to six years, because by this age begin to Mature, other mechanisms, and such behavior has faded into the background.
The child is a chameleon and is one of the mechanisms of development, improvement and training. While the child is small, 80% of learning is imitation: the child imitates the mother's gait, a motion of an adult with a spoon, his father's behavior. Sometimes this imitation is much destruction in the economy, because the child is faked, say, work on the computer and “chopped” you system unit. Or something culinary, and scattered all over the kitchen flour. This level of behavioral simulation we see and even can laugh about it, if not too congested and not very nervous.
The level of emotional simulate normal parent sees much worse. When a child misbehaves at the arrival of my mother, and before that with another adult behaved well, is a very graphic illustration of the automatic camaleonte.
For example, the child spent the day with grandma, they have all been great. During this time the child has adjusted to the grandma type reactions, requirements, speed, turns of phrase, under what grandma satisfied and dissatisfied. He became a speckled violet. This is not at the level of understanding and at the level of sensations. He does it without thought, like a plant turns to the light, like a dog or a cat come to regret or to treat the host.
So he adjusted, and then my mom came, and with it the different coordinate system requirements and emotional expectations, a different system of reactions to a particular behavior, those or other words. And the baby is still purple spotted, he had not become again Reds striped.
The child for some time will just wedge: simultaneously work with two coordinate systems. Therefore, he is lost, and one way to get out of this confusion provocative behavior. All this takes place not at the level of awareness, it's hysterical, behavioral failure.
I'm a bad mom
Once the parents stop to think that this behavior of the child facing them, and that they are to blame for what happened, will open a huge range of possibilities and reactions. Because a typical inner logic: I'm a bad mom. Even grandma can add fuel to the fire: "I perfectly coped with it", "so sweet was your day", "We always get along, what you do is that you have a baby from crying?"
In some cases you just need to skip this emotional wave. This metaphor is associated for me with the way of childhood, when young we jumped on the waves. (Big love to jump on the safe waves of the inner sea when it is slightly stormy). In order to initiate a jump, wait for a wave and dive under it. And then have yourself in a comfortable, safe space.
Same with the emotional reactions of the child. If only we a little bit wait and not dangerously step back, not get cold, and take a couple of steps, then the child will be rebuilt. Most likely, from a behavioral failure he came out, and even if they get stuck in, we can help him with the words: "You're so naughty now that I know you really missed me a lot". To ride out the wave and make possible the change in color – the child of purple speckled Reds will be re-striped.
If the contrast between the grandmother and the mother is too large, then the reactions of this type are very strong. Then you need to arrange it so that the child literally instantly pass from hand to hand. Because of the child and will go crazy if my mother and grandmother sit down to drink tea.A dedicated line of communication with each adult
Sometimes you need to accept the fact that a period of time the child's behavior is uncontrollable and unpredictable. Better door to door – one came, another came out. And mom's still some time needs to wait until the child will return to normal, will turn into your color.
It makes sense to keep in mind the following picture: every adult that the child has a close living attitude, he has his own line of conduct, a dedicated line of communication.
The child must be a dedicated line of communication with my grandmother, nanny. Mostly it happens with grandparents, but a divorced dad on a dedicated line hang. This is your special relationship, different from my relationship with my mother that develop different laws, in which the child of the other, because each of the intimate relationship of man manifests itself in different ways.
Such relationships will not be dangerous, provided that the part of the mother they will not cause jealousy, resistance, aggression, diktat. After all, if the mother spends enough time with child, relationship with her will remain for him the most important and trust them the most. If you give the child permission to be different and to be with others in some kind of space will be all benefit.
If the child has a completely different voice and with other intonations speaks with her grandmother and possibly her ear, and even manipulates, he behaves so because for my grandmother it's okay, grandma is the permits, they develop their own, quite harmonious story.
In a relationship with a divorced dad, of course, all is not so quiet and safe, there is much more difficult to give a dedicated line. But in relationships with older relatives, whose good intentions you have no doubt, it is just to allow a separate format. A dedicated line of communication will be with the first teacher, if he is human. And then the child will be able to form your chat history with friends.
Author: Ekaterina Burmistrova, Tamara Amelina
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