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How can you compare
Believe you a hundred times I read that comparing children is impossible. And let me tell you how and why to compare? The comparison is not violence. It's just a mental operation.
No, not so. Not just. This is a very important mental operation. We constantly compare. Where prices are cheaper, where the queue is moving faster, where the conditions are more comfortable, where the service is more polite, where our chances are better. The comparison is the search for how best.
Why suddenly so terrible parent sin was the mental operation of comparison? Some parents are afraid their children anything about other people's children to say. "Igor aunt Sveta won a medal" — and then everything inside all grows cold with fear assumptions: "all of a sudden my child will think I'm comparing, and it traumatize him?!"
In fact, scary is not a comparison, and as someone who compares and motivation.The same words spoken from different States have a different effect.
If the words addressed to the child, heard from a state of anger with the motivation to humiliate, to crush:
— You have the worst grades in the class! – Yes, it is terrible and traumatic.
But if the state of love with the motivation, support?
— You have the worst grades in the class. It was strange for me. I know your potential, I know you can do better. I want to understand why such a result is the difficulty. If you want, I can help.
Yes, it's a comparison. But it does not harm.
From exhaustion, tension with the desire to drain the irritation:
— See how cool rollerblading that little girl! And you are so big and constantly falling. Clumsy as an elephant. Get it together already!
From the state of quiet acceptance with a desire to encourage the child who wants to learn to ride:
— See how cool rollerblading that little girl. I wonder how many times she fell before you learned to ride? What do you think? A hundred or fifty?
— Natasha, you have in the class reads 150 words per minute, and you're 40 — mother says from the state of anger with the motivation of the accused — no more games! Are you going to do!
(Will not engage. There is a worry that mother doesn't love him)
If you leave the comparison, but to change the conditions and motivation? Let my mom's acceptance, interest and support.
— Natasha, you have in the class reads 150 words per minute, and you're 40. Natasha's example shows that read with such speed really. Her mom told me some tricky exercises to increase reading speed. You can do that. If the course is going to train every day. You want me to be your coach? And you my. I also want to improve their reading speed. I will happily work with you again.
(Motivation is not to beat Natasha, and to improve their result, to make it easier to learn in the future. 150 is not a bar that you need to jump, just an example of what it really is)
— Vlad took at the Olympics in English, and you don't! You worse know English! – mother says from the state of sorrow of the collapse of their own hopes and envy the mother of Vlad, which was so lucky with my son.
Mother was blamed for his emotional well-being of his son. Son can go to an experience that did not justify my mother's hopes, or leave it in irritation that my mom understands nothing.
Change mom's status. Let it be mom, not loading the child their expectations. The host mother could compare, but with different motivations.
— Vlad took at the Olympics in English, and you don't. You're upset? Let's say you know worse English than Vlad. But you know English better than half of the class. You know, always according to different criteria, someone will around you, someone to keep up. Get used to it first ask yourself, "I have enough of the level where I now? Am I willing to work harder to climb higher?"
More important to have the correct state than to say the right words. The right words from the wrong state, still does not work as it should. Even if an adult never will to say anything, but will build expectations and will be hard to survive brought the Quartet as a personal tragedy of his installation "good parents children learn perfectly well", it will have a negative impact on the child.
The child will understand without words, emotions, gestures, drooping at the shoulders mom and dim eyes, when she looks in the diary. More important than words.
No need to avoid comparison. But you need to monitor their condition. From the correct state to make comparisons even useful, the immune system is produced and healthy reaction.
We do often compare myself too, right? Masha bigger Boobs, Dasha apartment wider, Sasha the machine more expensive, Natasha relaxing ride often, and her daughter (good job!) with a baby making a career...
And yet we find ourselves in situations when we are with someone compare. So baby this fate too did not avoid. The school will be compared, when the job will be compared, by choosing whom to go out, will compare, and he himself will also be compared. How will he survive the situation? What emotions to feel? What conclusions do? It depends on the child's experience.
Julia simultaneously: the 5 key outcomes of the exercises
The right guys will lose those who are happier
If a child when compared to parents he created a feeling of worthlessness, uselessness and nepriyatnosti, and in adulthood it will be when compared to fall into the same status. Turn on parental voices in his head. But the parent voice can be different. Supportive, accepting, encouraging. "Yes, that's a fact. Masha bigger Boobs. But you're more than a Machine chest. You holistic, interesting personality.
You will come to see themselves like this, without being distracted by details" "Yes, it is a fact, Dasha's apartment wider. But her parents bought, and you're on your she earned. You should be proud" "Yes, Sasha the machine more expensive. You can buy yourself the same credit. You really need it? No. There are other priority wishes" "Natasha again, the rest have gone. Think about what you can and are willing to change in your life, too often rest?" "Anastasia, Yes, making a career. Only with a baby in her hands at this time, the mother, the mother-in-law, husband, sister...Comparing the results, don't forget to compare invested resources and opportunities".published
Author: Anna Bykova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: annabykova.ru/razvitie-samostojatelnosti/kak-mozhno-sravnivat.html
No, not so. Not just. This is a very important mental operation. We constantly compare. Where prices are cheaper, where the queue is moving faster, where the conditions are more comfortable, where the service is more polite, where our chances are better. The comparison is the search for how best.
Why suddenly so terrible parent sin was the mental operation of comparison? Some parents are afraid their children anything about other people's children to say. "Igor aunt Sveta won a medal" — and then everything inside all grows cold with fear assumptions: "all of a sudden my child will think I'm comparing, and it traumatize him?!"
In fact, scary is not a comparison, and as someone who compares and motivation.The same words spoken from different States have a different effect.
If the words addressed to the child, heard from a state of anger with the motivation to humiliate, to crush:
— You have the worst grades in the class! – Yes, it is terrible and traumatic.
But if the state of love with the motivation, support?
— You have the worst grades in the class. It was strange for me. I know your potential, I know you can do better. I want to understand why such a result is the difficulty. If you want, I can help.
Yes, it's a comparison. But it does not harm.
From exhaustion, tension with the desire to drain the irritation:
— See how cool rollerblading that little girl! And you are so big and constantly falling. Clumsy as an elephant. Get it together already!
From the state of quiet acceptance with a desire to encourage the child who wants to learn to ride:
— See how cool rollerblading that little girl. I wonder how many times she fell before you learned to ride? What do you think? A hundred or fifty?
— Natasha, you have in the class reads 150 words per minute, and you're 40 — mother says from the state of anger with the motivation of the accused — no more games! Are you going to do!
(Will not engage. There is a worry that mother doesn't love him)
If you leave the comparison, but to change the conditions and motivation? Let my mom's acceptance, interest and support.
— Natasha, you have in the class reads 150 words per minute, and you're 40. Natasha's example shows that read with such speed really. Her mom told me some tricky exercises to increase reading speed. You can do that. If the course is going to train every day. You want me to be your coach? And you my. I also want to improve their reading speed. I will happily work with you again.
(Motivation is not to beat Natasha, and to improve their result, to make it easier to learn in the future. 150 is not a bar that you need to jump, just an example of what it really is)
— Vlad took at the Olympics in English, and you don't! You worse know English! – mother says from the state of sorrow of the collapse of their own hopes and envy the mother of Vlad, which was so lucky with my son.
Mother was blamed for his emotional well-being of his son. Son can go to an experience that did not justify my mother's hopes, or leave it in irritation that my mom understands nothing.
Change mom's status. Let it be mom, not loading the child their expectations. The host mother could compare, but with different motivations.
— Vlad took at the Olympics in English, and you don't. You're upset? Let's say you know worse English than Vlad. But you know English better than half of the class. You know, always according to different criteria, someone will around you, someone to keep up. Get used to it first ask yourself, "I have enough of the level where I now? Am I willing to work harder to climb higher?"
More important to have the correct state than to say the right words. The right words from the wrong state, still does not work as it should. Even if an adult never will to say anything, but will build expectations and will be hard to survive brought the Quartet as a personal tragedy of his installation "good parents children learn perfectly well", it will have a negative impact on the child.
The child will understand without words, emotions, gestures, drooping at the shoulders mom and dim eyes, when she looks in the diary. More important than words.
No need to avoid comparison. But you need to monitor their condition. From the correct state to make comparisons even useful, the immune system is produced and healthy reaction.
We do often compare myself too, right? Masha bigger Boobs, Dasha apartment wider, Sasha the machine more expensive, Natasha relaxing ride often, and her daughter (good job!) with a baby making a career...
And yet we find ourselves in situations when we are with someone compare. So baby this fate too did not avoid. The school will be compared, when the job will be compared, by choosing whom to go out, will compare, and he himself will also be compared. How will he survive the situation? What emotions to feel? What conclusions do? It depends on the child's experience.
Julia simultaneously: the 5 key outcomes of the exercises
The right guys will lose those who are happier
If a child when compared to parents he created a feeling of worthlessness, uselessness and nepriyatnosti, and in adulthood it will be when compared to fall into the same status. Turn on parental voices in his head. But the parent voice can be different. Supportive, accepting, encouraging. "Yes, that's a fact. Masha bigger Boobs. But you're more than a Machine chest. You holistic, interesting personality.
You will come to see themselves like this, without being distracted by details" "Yes, it is a fact, Dasha's apartment wider. But her parents bought, and you're on your she earned. You should be proud" "Yes, Sasha the machine more expensive. You can buy yourself the same credit. You really need it? No. There are other priority wishes" "Natasha again, the rest have gone. Think about what you can and are willing to change in your life, too often rest?" "Anastasia, Yes, making a career. Only with a baby in her hands at this time, the mother, the mother-in-law, husband, sister...Comparing the results, don't forget to compare invested resources and opportunities".published
Author: Anna Bykova
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Source: annabykova.ru/razvitie-samostojatelnosti/kak-mozhno-sravnivat.html
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