The controversy “to force not to force, but if force, how” in General in the same series as “ban does not prohibit”, “to praise – not praise,” “to punish – not punish”, “to indulge – not to indulge”.
What unites them is that the child plays the role of a sort of dummy buttons that you can press in different combinations. The child has no strategic thinking, he lacks experience in the evaluation, he does not see prospects, he's not ready to be responsible
– so the parent should conduct some educational actions in order to guide this dummy in the right direction, with the table of multiplication in the brain, a violin under his arm and hat.It's not even the fact that we have the wrong combination.
“You love grandma” dvuhletki, “stop crying” three-year plan, or “without English you will not find work” the seven-year period have the same meaning as “it is not necessary to walk feet on the Desk” cat. With the cat at least we guess that he lives according to other laws, we learn to read the anger in the rhythm of the tail and the fear of hair on end. The cat at least we provide mental right to live in the other categories of emotions, decisions.The fact is that while we educate, we do not see.
We are not trying to UNDERSTAND, we see only the bad behavior of his idol run and the extent of his erudition. We treat the tests. Yesterday had an evening rubbing about the need to finish music school, today went. Agreed. Why did he agree? Can you get it? Maybe cursed and decided to wait and never? Who the hell knows, who cares, the results are good.
I'm not going to the dance!
And here click on ready stop rushing from his combinations of buttons “as you're so fond of them!?”, “well, we're paid!”, “it's all lazy, without effort nothing will happen”, “are you ready to quit halfway”, “you wanted to learn? you have to work!”, “even do not want to listen, come quick!” “what do you think would be easy?!” – stop jet educational and stuffing to be Sherlock Holmes.What's behind it?
Try peering closely, proposing a theory... I say and stare at her face, waiting for the sign that guessing...
– You don't like the teacher. – shakes his head – You hard. – You shoes RUB. – You're tired in the last lesson. – You the teacher yelled. – You didn't get the role.
And then it breaks through with tears – “all the roles were given only one girls, but I forgot my swimsuit and they were all laughing, and when I left laughed,” all the hurt and humiliation of a little child comes out in these tears...
– You know kid, there are many many people who will laugh, you will call to run you over. I know how you love dancing. Don't let them take it from you. Don't let them take your love, with all their idiotic laughter, it's yours – protect it from them, from their laughter and jokes, don't let them confuse you. I'm with you. I want to, I will make fun of them today that they will be all red?
– No, mom. Come on, we'll be late.
Daniel, to meet didn't run, hooligans, finally already like in bed.
– Mom, I want lemonade.
– What is the lemonade, you've already brushed my teeth.
– I want lemonade! I won't sleep if you won't give me the lemonade!
– Drink some water.
I don't want water, I want lemonade!!
It is also very tempting to indulge in serious “from the lemonade go bad teeth, and you have enough holes”, “you already brushed your teeth, what the hell, you know the rules”, “you know, we don't drink lemonade at night”, “what's your story”, “pokomanduy me more!”.
Stop. What is it? He hit today, this lemonade? Why is there so much rage?
Sit next to her, saying seriously: do You really want some lemonade? – nods. – Do you care if I gave it to you. – nods. You want me you listened?
And it breaks: “You never listen to me! It your way! All as you say!!!”
– You want at least once was here as you said.
I'll give you water, and tomorrow we are going in the morning to play at home – so everything is as you say.
And a coke for tomorrow to drink?
– It is possible.
And in the morning to play on iPad?
That's right what I say you'll make? Will even buy me an inflatable crocodile in the Amazon?
Buy. Tomorrow will be a special morning. I know this is hard for you, you grow up and we parents are in charge. So the world is. And you want to be in charge. But tomorrow is a different day, lunch. Agreed?
– Yes! Yes! Yes!
Sleeping. Without lemonade. And the crocodile was not needed, and cookies for tomorrow is not required. I needed them to understand.
Memory will list dozens of such discoveries. Wants to school, because yesterday I yelled a teacher. And you need to listen, discuss and support. Not want music, because he thinks that I forgot last play. And need to find time to rehearse before the class.
Doesn't want to class because she was embarassed that the hole in the toe. Doesn't want to do homework because I lost the job. Doesn't want to eat because he doesn't want to leave open the computer. Not want to the Park, because last time, they scared the dog.
Not want to the Park, because last time a friend came with a new bike. Wants an Apple, because the hand of LEGO, and put it does not want. Not want to the toilet, because the toilet web. Doesn't want to go change because he is afraid of dark stairs. Doesn't want to brush your teeth, because the last time the water was cold and aching.
Doesn't want to brush your teeth, because you want somewhere to defend themselves. Doesn't want to brush your teeth because then it will not beg for cookies. Do not want to brush teeth because I'll put it to bed and to sleep, and he wants to stay lying with his head on my shoulder at mom, progresses, and listen to the book. Do not want to brush teeth because I wanted to extend today.The work of the parent not to take the grievous burdens of the tyrant will.But the fact to understand.
To understand, to hear, to see the world, rabinkin the world in its logic, sense, and emotions. And when you realize that it in the web, alone, mad at a girlfriend, in a sharp shout, the dark stairs, in too loud music – when you realize that there is no laziness, whims, obstinacy – and there are just another person with a different view of the world and other logic – and to educate is not necessary.
2 basic options to do to your childHow to teach a child to hear from you: 7 steps
You can just remove the spider and turn on the light, put under the bed plastic sword for protection from the monsters and together come up with a caustic reply to bad girls.
And there, staring, and with the violin will be arranged. It's easier when you understand. published