1358
Toxic husband
To me for consultation girl came. She said that she needs assessment of the situation and immediately asked not to consider her crazy. She was desperate and did not understand how it behave.
The problem was not with it. The trouble happened to her sister.
Sister, Vera, was a citizen of another country - as, indeed, and my client. She graduated with honors from Medical University, has gone through several internships abroad. Time for the guys was not - and when 25 she opened her eyes and looked around, saw no one
. Year two - she worked, worked, worked ... And then he appeared. Without education (looking for myself), temporarily without work (doing their business), 36-year-old had never married man. He quickly became acquainted with his parents, made a proposal and another proposal - to move to Belarus. We, they say, and the country is beautiful, and quiet life.
Parents were happy. Quickly we got married. Quickly bought an apartment in the capital - in-law since the natural man. All, of course, made out in the in-law - because only daughter had planned to do a residence permit. Then he bought a business space. Then open a medical center and bought all the equipment ...
Happy young couple lived far away, often called back, but just for a moment. It was clear that the young wife is not a minute of free time: the organization of the center, recruitment, and she did not come out even to the toilet during the reception. Her husband was the director of the center.
Soon, Vera told about the pregnancy, but she worked until the last day. When there was a child, the parents rushed to the rescue. They were amazed that the young mother having left the hospital, the next day went to work. nurse remained with the child. Coming home from work, Faith cleaned, cooked and did everything as it should be. At night, restless child had not slept, and in the morning Vera again and again bravely went to work, telling parents, "Do not worry, I'm fine».
A year later, she called my sister and asked her to come. Vera met her secretly uliznuv from work for half an hour, and said - I can not any more ... I do not know what's going on, but I feel bad with him. I was in a cage ... I lost myself ... My sister tried to calm and said all that is necessary in these cases - make peace, all will be well ... But Vera said one sentence: "You do not understand ... He's a terrible man ...»
Sister left, and Vera in a month called and said she was pregnant again ... And now - emotionally, waving his arms, telling my sister - she gave birth to a second, he continues to work and has turned into a zombie
. I still do not understand what the horror of the situation, and what the client asked.
And then she began to cry. "You do not understand, - she said - Faith as a substitute»
. And told me that Vera, a beautiful driver, arrived in Minsk, I have never sat behind the wheel - the husband took the car and says, I care about you. He goes to her, of course, himself.
Faith does not know the city - it just never been in any movies or in a cafe or at the theater or in the Botanical Garden. It just works.
Faith does not know where to shop - for three years, she did not buy any pants or tights. Previously, a large woman of fashion, it just turned into a shadow. With growth above 170, it weighs 47 kilograms. Clothes hanging on it, but it is at work in his dressing gown, with children walking babysitting ...
When parents, once again arrived, saw what was happening to their daughter, they were horrified. They took her to the doctor, but he threw up his hands - say, anorexia, exhaustion, it would be necessary to relax, have a drink vitamins, pass all the tests ... and then called her husband. Vera said: "I went to the medical center, I want to get tested." The parents saw how changed the face of his daughter. She said that she urgently need to go home and that her husband is now coming for her.
House-in-law said that parents grossly climbed into his family packed up and put their parents out of the door. They rented the hotel and thinking - how is it that they are businessmen, adults who have bought an apartment and business in fact a stranger - all decorated on it. But most of all they are worried about the health of the daughter.
They called the next day to Vera, but she picked up the phone. They tried to come to her job, but the administrator immediately caused her husband, and he gently but firmly put them out the door. And parents zapodozrevali that the daughter is sitting on some tablets. Why so nervous in-law in response to a simple blood test? Why did not feed the baby daughter having left the hospital, although she had milk?
I asked, and what do they want from me? Faith's sister said: "I know I look like a paranoid. I've been a psychologist in my hometown, and it was the specialist to whom Faith addressed earlier because of the difficulties in building a family. When I told the psychologist was surprised. She remembered the Faith as a reasonable, active, energetic female-workaholic. Her hypothesis was related to the fact that the faith relationship shifted from job to her husband, and now she is strongly influenced. »
Of course, I tried to shift the focus from the client to the Faith. Of course, I learned many things about the family. But the story stuck in my head. Like a few years a sensible woman to win European grants for internships, loving daughter and sister turned into a zombie?
I read about sects and thought - just as the broken man. Make it dependent, deprived of sleep, forced to work long hours, and he's anywhere from you will not get ... But most of all I touched the question of when the fracture happens? After all, to a certain point and kept faith reason - she noticed that everything is bad, and was ready to leave. But somehow remained ... and then broke down.
Why do not we move away from toxic partners? What keeps us close to them? All banal - the experiences that "glue" our codependency, and the investments we have already invested in human and can never take back. Do not go away, because:
It's a shame. After all, people were saying - look at him! He's so ... I do not listen and do not hear ...
Fearfully. And suddenly all these? What if he will take revenge? And suddenly take kids? And suddenly kill?
Sad. It was a pair of bright moments in the beginning of a relationship, when to believe that all will be well. Memories rise to the belief that things can change. You just need a little patience - and he will understand what I am good ...
It's a shame. I've done so much for this relationship, put your soul, so many sacrificed ...
I thought long about whether to write about it - the theme of a fine, complex, multi-faceted. I really do not know the correct answers - and seeking their own together with its clients, participants in therapeutic and educational groups. But sometimes I covers such a wave of despair and hopelessness that I do not know how to continue to talk to the person that he was talking, and whether to do it at all.
We are in the umpteenth time talking about those relationships that we can easily call co-dependent. Every psychologist, and more recently, every second customer knows all about S.Karpmana triangle on the construction of boundaries, about taking responsibility. Things are moving, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the ice was broken! But next to each of us live the people whom this knowledge has never saved. It is those who are toxic, poisonous relationship with your partner - and thus can not leave
. When I think about these women, my face goes through a gallery of images. This casual woman with a bruise on his cheek smeared, hurrying to the store in the morning. This is a woman pulling a drunken husband home and all the way to listen to what she, a cow, can not drive.
This is raped by their husbands who give birth each year children victims of domestic violence, fled to shelters and shelter and are ready to believe again that "it is all realized and corrected." These are women who have worked shifts and hurry home to cook soup lying on the couch her husband, who prudently manages her time, and her body.
Of course, broken ribs and a black eye is more difficult to hide than the constant humiliation, rejection, depreciation and contempt. But this relationship they are less destructive.
I would like to list the characteristics that are inherent in such a relationship, and to start with, how they behave in such a relationship men.
A man can be characterized by capacious word "misogyny". Misogyny hates women and female. Recently, it is often written, but it is very difficult to accept that someone can despise and discriminate against a person. Of course, almost all religious texts are imbued with the idea that a woman - being second-class citizens. Of course, there is Nietzsche with his "You go to women - do not forget the whip", but misogyny is just hard to accept - and we come up with a thousand excuses (from "He had a wicked mother" to "It's not in the mood»)
The man with the power of the complex, who wants to rule and reign. He will show and tell you what, why and how to make a woman - from cooking soup to select the job. Total control and obedience - what is needed such a man
. The man - a psychopath, a lack of empathy, "devoid of conscience", a lying, manipulative, using a woman as an object to achieve some goals. It is impossible to understand, calculate, change. Read books - they spray-painted the whole volume, and the beginning of relations in such a man can not fail to fall in love
. Man using physical aggression. He can push, hit a woman, throw her in a heavy object, throw her tea. Then he says: "You do provoke me, you brought me." In fact, he did not know how to manage his anger. His anger - a rustic outhouse in which the automatic tape at intervals of half an hour throws wad of fresh yeast
. Man, loving economic violence. Portrait of a series of stretches, "Where did you spend so much money?", "Do you have a fiat - on them and buy food" to "Leave Me in the voucher, I'll go myself Food»
. The man who always dissatisfied with everything and constantly whine, put forward the claim, pressing, aching. Life with him is like a stay in the eternal gloom with no hope of a ray of sunshine.
Man - the appraiser. He is a jeweler, always tell a woman how many carats it is recovered where it has wrinkles, compares it with friends and anorexic Angelina Jolie. Wife of the husband do not need scales and mirrors - each day it receives clear and accurate information, it is not good, stupid, dumb, boring, does not deserve anyone's love - and point
. If you meet such a man - it is necessary to escape. If you fall in love - it is necessary to escape. If you are married to him for many years, you do not have money, children are small, no you do not support - is necessary to count up to a hundred and run
. Maybe you're lucky and the day of enlightenment. Maybe on this day you suddenly realize that life - only one, and God did not create for you any spare parts or spare the health, or even the ability to save at point "18" and start all over again
. Changes do not happen tomorrow, but right now. Toxic husband - a man who poisons you. Are you ready to live a few years near the Chernobylkogo reactor? You deny the effect of radiation on your body and soul? You are omnipotent?
Then you NOTHING CAN NOT HELP.
But if you have hope - run! For the production of harmful underpaid - and people at risk, knowing what they are going. Who 'pay in addition "to you for a total poisoning your life?
Dr. House said: "People do not change." They are actually changing, but very slowly. How much are you willing to wait? 10 years? 20? 50? GAME OVER! The game will end sooner than you can understand, we did not want to play it!
You can re-read the book "The charm of femininity." You can measure some other time and just talk to her husband about any changes in the relationship you want. You can try again.
But just stop deceiving ourselves. You can not live in a mask for the rest of life - not breath, not pleased, not to be loved and accepted, valued and maintain.
Living with her husband toxic KILLS ...
Author: Natalia Olifirovich
The problem was not with it. The trouble happened to her sister.
Sister, Vera, was a citizen of another country - as, indeed, and my client. She graduated with honors from Medical University, has gone through several internships abroad. Time for the guys was not - and when 25 she opened her eyes and looked around, saw no one
. Year two - she worked, worked, worked ... And then he appeared. Without education (looking for myself), temporarily without work (doing their business), 36-year-old had never married man. He quickly became acquainted with his parents, made a proposal and another proposal - to move to Belarus. We, they say, and the country is beautiful, and quiet life.
Parents were happy. Quickly we got married. Quickly bought an apartment in the capital - in-law since the natural man. All, of course, made out in the in-law - because only daughter had planned to do a residence permit. Then he bought a business space. Then open a medical center and bought all the equipment ...
Happy young couple lived far away, often called back, but just for a moment. It was clear that the young wife is not a minute of free time: the organization of the center, recruitment, and she did not come out even to the toilet during the reception. Her husband was the director of the center.
Soon, Vera told about the pregnancy, but she worked until the last day. When there was a child, the parents rushed to the rescue. They were amazed that the young mother having left the hospital, the next day went to work. nurse remained with the child. Coming home from work, Faith cleaned, cooked and did everything as it should be. At night, restless child had not slept, and in the morning Vera again and again bravely went to work, telling parents, "Do not worry, I'm fine».
A year later, she called my sister and asked her to come. Vera met her secretly uliznuv from work for half an hour, and said - I can not any more ... I do not know what's going on, but I feel bad with him. I was in a cage ... I lost myself ... My sister tried to calm and said all that is necessary in these cases - make peace, all will be well ... But Vera said one sentence: "You do not understand ... He's a terrible man ...»
Sister left, and Vera in a month called and said she was pregnant again ... And now - emotionally, waving his arms, telling my sister - she gave birth to a second, he continues to work and has turned into a zombie
. I still do not understand what the horror of the situation, and what the client asked.
And then she began to cry. "You do not understand, - she said - Faith as a substitute»
. And told me that Vera, a beautiful driver, arrived in Minsk, I have never sat behind the wheel - the husband took the car and says, I care about you. He goes to her, of course, himself.
Faith does not know the city - it just never been in any movies or in a cafe or at the theater or in the Botanical Garden. It just works.
Faith does not know where to shop - for three years, she did not buy any pants or tights. Previously, a large woman of fashion, it just turned into a shadow. With growth above 170, it weighs 47 kilograms. Clothes hanging on it, but it is at work in his dressing gown, with children walking babysitting ...
When parents, once again arrived, saw what was happening to their daughter, they were horrified. They took her to the doctor, but he threw up his hands - say, anorexia, exhaustion, it would be necessary to relax, have a drink vitamins, pass all the tests ... and then called her husband. Vera said: "I went to the medical center, I want to get tested." The parents saw how changed the face of his daughter. She said that she urgently need to go home and that her husband is now coming for her.
House-in-law said that parents grossly climbed into his family packed up and put their parents out of the door. They rented the hotel and thinking - how is it that they are businessmen, adults who have bought an apartment and business in fact a stranger - all decorated on it. But most of all they are worried about the health of the daughter.
They called the next day to Vera, but she picked up the phone. They tried to come to her job, but the administrator immediately caused her husband, and he gently but firmly put them out the door. And parents zapodozrevali that the daughter is sitting on some tablets. Why so nervous in-law in response to a simple blood test? Why did not feed the baby daughter having left the hospital, although she had milk?
I asked, and what do they want from me? Faith's sister said: "I know I look like a paranoid. I've been a psychologist in my hometown, and it was the specialist to whom Faith addressed earlier because of the difficulties in building a family. When I told the psychologist was surprised. She remembered the Faith as a reasonable, active, energetic female-workaholic. Her hypothesis was related to the fact that the faith relationship shifted from job to her husband, and now she is strongly influenced. »
Of course, I tried to shift the focus from the client to the Faith. Of course, I learned many things about the family. But the story stuck in my head. Like a few years a sensible woman to win European grants for internships, loving daughter and sister turned into a zombie?
I read about sects and thought - just as the broken man. Make it dependent, deprived of sleep, forced to work long hours, and he's anywhere from you will not get ... But most of all I touched the question of when the fracture happens? After all, to a certain point and kept faith reason - she noticed that everything is bad, and was ready to leave. But somehow remained ... and then broke down.
Why do not we move away from toxic partners? What keeps us close to them? All banal - the experiences that "glue" our codependency, and the investments we have already invested in human and can never take back. Do not go away, because:
It's a shame. After all, people were saying - look at him! He's so ... I do not listen and do not hear ...
Fearfully. And suddenly all these? What if he will take revenge? And suddenly take kids? And suddenly kill?
Sad. It was a pair of bright moments in the beginning of a relationship, when to believe that all will be well. Memories rise to the belief that things can change. You just need a little patience - and he will understand what I am good ...
It's a shame. I've done so much for this relationship, put your soul, so many sacrificed ...
I thought long about whether to write about it - the theme of a fine, complex, multi-faceted. I really do not know the correct answers - and seeking their own together with its clients, participants in therapeutic and educational groups. But sometimes I covers such a wave of despair and hopelessness that I do not know how to continue to talk to the person that he was talking, and whether to do it at all.
We are in the umpteenth time talking about those relationships that we can easily call co-dependent. Every psychologist, and more recently, every second customer knows all about S.Karpmana triangle on the construction of boundaries, about taking responsibility. Things are moving, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the ice was broken! But next to each of us live the people whom this knowledge has never saved. It is those who are toxic, poisonous relationship with your partner - and thus can not leave
. When I think about these women, my face goes through a gallery of images. This casual woman with a bruise on his cheek smeared, hurrying to the store in the morning. This is a woman pulling a drunken husband home and all the way to listen to what she, a cow, can not drive.
This is raped by their husbands who give birth each year children victims of domestic violence, fled to shelters and shelter and are ready to believe again that "it is all realized and corrected." These are women who have worked shifts and hurry home to cook soup lying on the couch her husband, who prudently manages her time, and her body.
Of course, broken ribs and a black eye is more difficult to hide than the constant humiliation, rejection, depreciation and contempt. But this relationship they are less destructive.
I would like to list the characteristics that are inherent in such a relationship, and to start with, how they behave in such a relationship men.
A man can be characterized by capacious word "misogyny". Misogyny hates women and female. Recently, it is often written, but it is very difficult to accept that someone can despise and discriminate against a person. Of course, almost all religious texts are imbued with the idea that a woman - being second-class citizens. Of course, there is Nietzsche with his "You go to women - do not forget the whip", but misogyny is just hard to accept - and we come up with a thousand excuses (from "He had a wicked mother" to "It's not in the mood»)
The man with the power of the complex, who wants to rule and reign. He will show and tell you what, why and how to make a woman - from cooking soup to select the job. Total control and obedience - what is needed such a man
. The man - a psychopath, a lack of empathy, "devoid of conscience", a lying, manipulative, using a woman as an object to achieve some goals. It is impossible to understand, calculate, change. Read books - they spray-painted the whole volume, and the beginning of relations in such a man can not fail to fall in love
. Man using physical aggression. He can push, hit a woman, throw her in a heavy object, throw her tea. Then he says: "You do provoke me, you brought me." In fact, he did not know how to manage his anger. His anger - a rustic outhouse in which the automatic tape at intervals of half an hour throws wad of fresh yeast
. Man, loving economic violence. Portrait of a series of stretches, "Where did you spend so much money?", "Do you have a fiat - on them and buy food" to "Leave Me in the voucher, I'll go myself Food»
. The man who always dissatisfied with everything and constantly whine, put forward the claim, pressing, aching. Life with him is like a stay in the eternal gloom with no hope of a ray of sunshine.
Man - the appraiser. He is a jeweler, always tell a woman how many carats it is recovered where it has wrinkles, compares it with friends and anorexic Angelina Jolie. Wife of the husband do not need scales and mirrors - each day it receives clear and accurate information, it is not good, stupid, dumb, boring, does not deserve anyone's love - and point
. If you meet such a man - it is necessary to escape. If you fall in love - it is necessary to escape. If you are married to him for many years, you do not have money, children are small, no you do not support - is necessary to count up to a hundred and run
. Maybe you're lucky and the day of enlightenment. Maybe on this day you suddenly realize that life - only one, and God did not create for you any spare parts or spare the health, or even the ability to save at point "18" and start all over again
. Changes do not happen tomorrow, but right now. Toxic husband - a man who poisons you. Are you ready to live a few years near the Chernobylkogo reactor? You deny the effect of radiation on your body and soul? You are omnipotent?
Then you NOTHING CAN NOT HELP.
But if you have hope - run! For the production of harmful underpaid - and people at risk, knowing what they are going. Who 'pay in addition "to you for a total poisoning your life?
Dr. House said: "People do not change." They are actually changing, but very slowly. How much are you willing to wait? 10 years? 20? 50? GAME OVER! The game will end sooner than you can understand, we did not want to play it!
You can re-read the book "The charm of femininity." You can measure some other time and just talk to her husband about any changes in the relationship you want. You can try again.
But just stop deceiving ourselves. You can not live in a mask for the rest of life - not breath, not pleased, not to be loved and accepted, valued and maintain.
Living with her husband toxic KILLS ...
Author: Natalia Olifirovich
