Jokes on Saturday, 19.03.2011

Throughout his life, Alexander Pushkin taught us that in Russia a talented person should be able to shoot.

At a doctor's appointment comes one man. He is asked the name.
 - P-p-p-Petri.
 - Do you stutter?
 - No, my dad was a stutterer, and whoever I recorded was an idiot.

There are two planets:
 - How are you?
 - So it does not matter. It looks like I'm somewhere in the mind caught.
 - Nonsense. I do too, had been ill. Four, in the worst case, five thousand years - and most passes. Potemperaturish bit if this infection will have time to think of a thermonuclear reaction. And if you treat and do not run, then at the time of antiquity usually begins in remission. I usually take for the prevention of three asteroid in a millennium after each ice age, and no problems.

The couple in the bed.
 - Honey, I would like to join the Empire!
 - Honey, the crisis in the Empire, and you're given broad autonomy ...

Prime Minister before the next, brilliantly conceived them higher prices and decreasing salaries, decided to talk with the people. Coming out of the limo, he stopped wearing nice peasant without much inteligentnosti face.
 - Tell me, if we will raise prices by 50%, how will you live?
 - Nothing like living.
 - So. If 100%?
 - Nothing like, enough money.
 - Yeah, - Prime delighted - and if 500%?
 - So-oo, then, perhaps, buy a villa in Spain!
 - Yeah ??? -ofigevaet prime minister - and who do you work for?
 - Spoken funeral ..

At competitions in hammer throwing funnier all the spectators rushed the 6th sector, which was flying a hammer and ...
The saleswoman in the Liquor Department - is when you have a bad figure, small breasts, a mustache under his nose, but you still called girl.

Visitors come to the doctor:
 - Doctor, I swallowed a fly.
 - Do not worry, now I'll do ukolchik and everything goes.
The visitor undresses. The doctor gives him an injection.
 - Oh, Doctor, why it hurt?
 - What do you think, dichlorvos painless acts?

Fashionable strip club. Representation in full swing - a girl more beautiful and exciting the other, all visitors almost in ecstasy. Only one man sitting with a boring person, sipping tea, looking around.
Finally, the manager places can not stand and asked him:
 - Excuse me, you do not like the idea?
 - No, everything is fine ...
 - We have ugly dancers?
 - What are you, a wonderful ...
 - Then what's the matter? You - impotent?
 - No, I'm a gynecologist ...

Yes, the mind can not understand Russia ...
Familiar old lady told him about his uncle.
In the 30s he was given ten years for having organized a hairdressing salon.
Released three years later, for having organized a hairdressing salon in the camp!

 - I think my wife wants to divorce me.
 - Why do you think so?
 - Yesterday, she brought home his girlfriend!
 - So what?
 - You have no idea what she was beautiful!

A conversation between two friends:
 - Are you eat at night ?! In vain, oh vain. In the morning your body is definitely not tell you "thank you".
 - Do not worry, the main thing that he was up in the morning with me not talking.

Athlete Diving forgot to tighten the trunks, so the prize he had not taken place, but won the Audience Award.

Calls woman in the housing office: - Please send a locksmith immediately. Broke through the valve. Completely flooded.
Hikto comes. At last after three hours it is as Uncle Bob. There is knee-deep in water, looking at the tap, and said:
- Replace all Hado, but in our ZhEKe of cranes there. I, however, there is such, Finnish, worth 200 p. Putting?
- Yes, of course, place, and we drown.
I put the tap. The woman says:
- You see, I have money now so hard ... I do not know what to do ... Maybe you can in a different way to pay? Well, you know ...
Then Uncle Vasya unbuttoned and takes so ... so! Woman excited, quickly throws off everything from itself and suddenly looks - a man from his suitcase gets hefty washers and currently puts ... Woman:
- And this is why?
- What do you think you all get? I told you to measure off 200 rubles.

Husband comes home from work and asked his wife:
 - Well, that was in the beauty salon?
 - Yes.
 - Was closed?

When I learned how to favor our Paralympic team in Vancouver, first thought may be, the main team also had, God forgive me, break legs? ..

He was an ordinary cat, lying on the stove, and ate the cream. But the army and got to it. Look at the video. New blockbuster "Puss in Boots."

-Hello, It Humane Society?
-Yes. Who hurt you, kid?

 - Actually, guys, you know what I say girls?
 - No!
 - How do you know?



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