If Google had been Ukrainian

... Search queries would need to be submitted in writing, on a special form, on Tuesday and Thursday from nine to eleven in the morning, at the place of residence. For this it would be necessary to defend a queue of thirty people;

... The form with a written request would include the search query itself, as well as your date of birth, residence address, place of real residence, number of children, identification code, passport data. The request must be glued to a color photo (as on a passport), no more than three months ago. Written request to submit three original copies;

... The written request should also be accompanied by:

Certificate of no criminal record;
Certificate of absence of debts for utilities, including a certificate of absence of debts for heating until 2002;
Certificate of narcologist and psychiatrist on legal capacity;
Certificate of registration or military card;
A written statement from parents, spouses and adult children that they don’t mind you applying for an online search. If you have minor children, a permission from the guardianship council is required;
The conclusion of the expert commission under the Ministry of Internal Affairs that your request cannot lead to the disclosure of state secrets (documents are accepted every third Saturday of an odd month from 16:00 to 16:30);
The conclusion of the regional office of the National Moral Commission that your request does not contain mat and pornography (documents at the place of residence are temporarily not accepted due to repair);
The certificate of the clinic that you have been routinely vaccinated and through your request to the Internet will not penetrate harmful viruses;
Certificate of absence of other search queries that are under consideration by Google;
... Before submitting the request, you should pay:

Cost of search (four hundred and fifty hryvnias);
Insurance premium (eight UAH fifty kopecks);
Compulsory voluntary contribution to the fund “Google of the future” (ninety-three hryvnia eleven kopecks, PLEASE, WITHOUT CHANGE, WE HAVE NO COPES!);

... The request is accepted for consideration only after signing the Additional Agreement, according to which you undertake not to use other search services on the Internet for three years from the date of signing the agreement. The agreement is signed in the presence of a state notary (the cost of notary services is one hundred and fifty UAH);

... For the "Extract from the Internet" (the official name of the search results) should appear no earlier than twenty working days, standing another queue. You will receive the extract in printed form (matrix printer). Due to the lack of funds in the state budget, graphic materials are not printed in the search results;

... If there are no results yet, wait another twenty working days, after which you can repeat the request.

... If you own a website on the Internet and provide free access to information, according to Law N666-66 of February 38, 2010, in connection with the need for state regulation of information policy on the Internet, as well as for the unification of search services and for the convenience of access to information on the Internet by citizens of Ukraine, you must:

Immediately transfer all information from your site to the State Enterprise “Ukrainian Google on floppy disks with a diameter of 3.5 inches (only diskettes of a private enterprise “Disketa-Google” with a cost of 25 UAH per unit of goods are allowed);
After receiving confirmation, delete all information from your website within 5 calendar days.