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Just jokes



One man says to another:
 - Let's go to the women, and?
 - And why did not he go?
 - Well, you - a professional, and I - well, amateur.
 - Well, I've got two girls in mind now, and go to them.
 - And they are beautiful?
 - Well, one beautiful and the other - well, for an amateur.
***

The son asks his mother:
 - Mom, a giraffe, too, have horns - he means deer?
The mother replies:
 - Look at the Pope - he too has horns, but is it a deer?

***

The car braked at customs.
 - Weapons? Drugs?
 - No, you!
Open the trunk - and there is Kalashnikov.
 - What is that ??!
 - Calculator.
 - How calculator! Now I have a calculator! (pulls out of his pocket).
 - Uh, your calculator to preliminary calculations, and mine - for the final.

***

Go away, please, immediately, or I'll call her husband - says the hostess beggar.
 - And your husband is not home.
 - How do you know?
 - The man who married a woman who comes home only to eat.

***

Addict came to the dentist and says:
 - Doctor, I pull out the tooth.
 - You under local or general anesthesia?
 - What, gone crazy !? Under the general course!
And so 32 times ...

***

Ensign saw the head lying on the parade ground.
-Orderly! What is it?
'Head, comrade lieutenant!
-Vizhu That golova.Pochemu not trimmed ?!

***

Sergeant is the mirror and comb.
-Something My hair began to fall out.
-Nothing Udivitelnogo.Po spring every creature fades, says his soldiers.

***

-Comrade Ensign And crocodiles fly?
-Sho-On !? Who told you such garbage?
-Comrade Maj.
-You See, Comrade Sergeant, in fact they are flying, but a short, low-ceilinged!



***

Comes a sergeant in the barracks.
-Soldat Why not shelled boots?
-And It does not concern you.
What-0-o?! - A blow to the face.
Why not shelled boots?
-Gutalina No.
-And It does not concern me.
-I Train and I said so immediately.

***

Sit means three men in a boat, rybachat.Noch, begins to dawn. One says: - The sun rises!
Second: - Yes, such a beautiful sunrise for a long time not seen!
The third two kicks throws the first two out of the boat.
Guys emerges: - What!?!
 - First for offtopic, the second for the flood.
 - What do you mean exactly ohrenel ???!
A man pulls a paddle and hrus both on the head:
 - A ban for insulting !!!

***

Two soldiers creep into exploration ...
Suddenly one hand vlyapyvaetsya shit.
Second:
- Ha-ha-ha !!!
First (plugging his mouth smeared hand):
- Quiet!

***

- Hello, Doctor?
- Yes, I'm listening.
- Help, I have severe diarrhea. Even the toilet can not stand. What should I do? Advise anything!
- Well, this has a lot of money. Try, for example, lemon.
- Yes, already tried, only when I pull it, it all starts over again.