(The words of one mother-daughter. “Boy“ is the son - in-law.)
Oh, how much I hear of these stories in life and meet in practice, and ofigevayu. Well, I have no other word for it. No!
Ten million eight hundred eighteen thousand six hundred twenty seven
Family – husband, wife. She takes responsibility for the family. Feeds, waters, cover kindergartens, hobby groups, tutoring, buys clothes. Husband... what husband?.. He at least pays the rent and payment of rent, sometimes it's just a communal or part of a communal, equally with the wife, all to be honest!
It contains themselves, children, pays for food (and it including!), buys him clothes. The nurse in this family the wife.
And once, when the strap is to pull really quite hard or suddenly for no reason, no reason I wanted a new skirt, she shyly asks: "Honey, why don't you...?»
What starts here! "I don't owe anyone anything", and "to ensure that you do not must", and "don't have to buy everything", and "without these clubs do"!
Or early, having suspected wrong, the woman tries her husband it is correct to insinuate that the man in the family a long time it has become. Gives him the calculation — how much she spends per month on food, education, the family and birthmarks, including. What does it expect? What do you expect? Of course, that favorite will come around and say: "Yes you that! Really?"He's like the king-father will open his eyes to the excesses of the boyars. But darling finished with a relaxed and "worthy» – «Attaboy!»
«ATTABOY! Appreciate! Continue in the same spirit! Shake a paw, friend! Respect and thanked!»
.... Oh, is this what "good" we wanted? Why pulled? Why buy? Why on his neck a healthy, strong man planted?
What, not enough burning huts and enraged horses? Desire for a woman to sacrifice? All the shoulder and pull, pull, so much so that he didn't even guess how much work it is, how much money and effort is involved. So quietly, like a chocolate under the pillow from my mother, who returned with the third shift. You are our fairy ... Fairy…
And sits a hefty fellow with a wife like his mother's chest. First mother, then wife vzroschenny, cherish, protect. All for him, little child of ours.
And genuinely wonders what the wife wants from him? After all, handles, pulls, strong woman. And it here at what? He actually doesn't need anything. And if necessary, with his own new toy will work and safely buy. A family, children, wife... Too much for him all of this, too…
Eighty six million eight hundred forty six thousand four hundred sixty two
When the child sits on the neck, once it is clear who is to blame – the parents. And if the husband sits on the neck, anything not to earn, only eats, drinks and lives his life poluchaetsa to whom questions? It is the same. For his wife.
"And you, my dear, why?"so sincerely, looking into his eyes, asked.
Maybe there's no other way? So that at least equally with her husband the responsibility to share for the family, for all that is created and everyone give birth?
It's work, worse than even in the workplace. Here some snot, love and sacrifice is not enough. Still, the measure is necessary to feel, and boundaries. And responsibility to be able to give.
This is of course, if 15 years, the guy never paid, freely felt, and here it is: "Darling, could you now to pay the mortgage? Or training our son at the Institute? And then it was too hard for me to move all this stuff" that will not be happy, for the heart is grabbed, remember that the vacation was paid two years ago (and nothing he at a cost equal to the monthly budget, which pays wife for many years and every month, nothing! But the fact! Paid? Paid!) Will say: "But I gave you a thousand on the phone, remember? And the car I ran? Know how much gasoline cost these days?»
And sit the woman and lowered his head on his hands…
God... Century are. But all the same, all the same, "the winner of the donkey's ears." Which have and account for them live freely.
To live is far easier than with someone.
To make the most of easier than to explain, to teach, to convince, control, or transfer part of the responsibility.
But then accident time should not be surprised if children throw a tantrum on the request today to wash all the dishes that claim to clean up my room will cause them to have an attack of offended pride to the act of the infringement of their rights and freedoms.
That the request to pay this month for clubs and communal husband to get enraged and offended will be no less than children.
If you are doing this work – distribution of responsibilities, division of responsibility, then one day you find that the muscles on the body family called husband atrophied, and under the name of children has not developed. Now to make it work is extremely difficult.
Yes, easier and easier. But this is a big mistake to get to work one organ in this system, in the body of the family. Heart, toiling, exhausted, the homemaker does not have time to put wood, and husband and children well-fed and volgatelekoma heated from the fire.
Error women in, when I decided I wanted to pull everything myself because it's easier, she did not give the opportunity to everyone in the family to contribute. Husband equally or more than it, children feasibly and appropriately for their age. She disconnected the organs is not given voltage, closed all the tension on yourself. Given proper training, children can't do anything without the help of his mother, the man lives like a family and children is absolutely not his responsibility.
This is a big mistake. The price of this error haggard, a sense of total resentment, ispolzovaniem, ezenkosi, nezamestnanosti effort, frustration and pain And bonus – the illusion of control, a sense of power and omnipotence. There is a choice.
To live together is work. To share the responsibility even more work.The need to learn.
part IIIIliving. Ineed you
To start the woman with the man in a dialogue about the redistribution of the responsibilities and contributions of each in the family budget hard.
... And ashamed.
It is necessary to admit that we failed, failed and fail, at least for now, that took. Overestimated yourself.
To admit that not a star,andthe clouds do not know how to shrug – that's kind of flawed. Painful, embarrassing, pathetic…
"And don't laugh if you're with me?""And can you tell me where you're a fool to climb?"And I will not remember: "I had to listen to me! And what did I tell you?»
And I'm not only not a star, I still nujdayus you.
I need your help, support, I need you. I can't do it without you. Get your act together. I need your hand! Together we have started this project called "family". We've been together.
It is to be very open, very vulnerable, almost mentally and emotionally naked. Without any protections. This is more than a Declaration of love. It's embarrassing and scary.
It was too vulnerable a person feels in this position. When he asks. And he admits his neediness.
For a relationship takes two.
But in the desire to quickly become the "we" is very easy to get to the merge. There is a great temptation, opened the hand, to dissolve in the other person. Forget about yourself, your needs, desires, refuse any solutions, just snowbut together. To feel that you are not alone. You again with the person who you are very close, with whom you were very good.
"God is with him at all, we all will survive. The important thing is that we are together.»
"For the love of you all to survive, to sacrifice. If only we were together."
At this point, for the sake of "together" people are willing to abandon yourself. The soul needs to restore everything as it was, to restore the balance of relations, at least, weren't threatened.
In conflicts, discussion, and splattering of pain, frustration and complaints over the pair is always under the threat of rupture. Sometimes the head is categorical: "way Or no way. If you do not understand me, we must part»
Often, a woman trying to start something to discuss, start discussing from the point: "as if we're breaking up" and begins to live the pain of the break, "pre-mount", which overshadows everything. It is impossible to discuss the money, the responsibilities of each in the pair, when the nose of the looming gap. All emotions go in there. A couple begins to discuss a broader question: "So we stay together or disperse as ships at sea?"In discussions with the alcoholic question: "do you respect me?"it negates all other issues and any discussion of the "smaller" makes irrelevant.
Fear the gap in any attempt either to clarify, makes it impossible to develop relationships.Relationships become inflexible, rigid. Like a frozen wax figurine of two lovers, United in a passionate kiss – there is an illusion that relationships always have to be. They have not grow older, not changes associated with age, no children, no Hobbies, no friends, no personal space, nor of solitude, not only of their personal interests, no pain, no conflict, no sickness, no death... Eternal, perfect love.As the old lady's garden, and where was Gerda in Andersen's fairy tale "the snow Queen". There's always summer, always sunshine, always love...But live, not wax people can't do that. They live, change. In addition to the moments of confluence when you feel one, need personal space when I feel separate, I feel only myself.Discovery of self in a pair of great step. Akin to birth.I can discuss your needs, your boundaries.You can say and feel: "I love you, but I need to..."you Can allow yourself to hear the other, without fear that his words will destroy my me. I will always be myself, say what you will. But I'm willing to hear you. And maybe I'll change.You can be separate people, but love each other. You can be different, but to remain loving and appreciating each other.But you can find yourself absolutely not in the place where you want to be absolutely with the wrong person. After a deep sleep, to ask the question: "what am I doing here? Why am I still here?"And it will be a great service to itself. Finally discover yourself in this relationship.published