"Yes" and "no" don't say black and white do not take..." -children's rhyme."No whoa, no, well".
Saying it represents a process that psychologists call "passive aggression". The collocation of two conflicting processes. Passivity for us represents the extreme form of inaction, and aggression is none other than the incarnation of the active principle.Thus, we are dealing with two opposite directional processes, which manage to get along together.
One of my friends told the story of how she came to be alone with a young man in the compartment of a night train and spent all night wrestling with his harassment. Can you imagine? All night "no whoa, no, well". It's like I had to say while the other continued to not hear and not understand? Because it was not a deranged rapist, but an ordinary man, who showed their desire and were persistent in it.
Another example encountered in my teaching. Able and intelligent listener can not start practice. She's all for it. And it's not about insecurity, it's just a superficial excuse. In practical lessons, she shows good skills and knowledge, asking the right questions and accurately noted the deep processes. She has already filed a patent, and even removed the office to work. But not begins to advise.
For the definition of passive aggressive, I want to indicate the fact that it can be as habitual psychological protection of the person and persistent personal characteristics, an important part of the personality that defines his character and life. So you can meet the features of the described process, and many people in different moments of life.So, what are the main characteristics of the passive-aggressive (PA) person ?
Before us is a rebel, a professional revolutionary, partisan who doesn't give up. He is always against. Even when it is unprofitable. Proverb: "to spite mom frostbitten his ears" about them.
Entering the room (in process, in relationships, etc.) he was the first to notice the shortcomings. He immediately sees that there is not and will not be silent. He says in a sharp, ironic, abrasive manner. Will taunt you. However, it will do so directly, not personal, and the infinitive to the third person.
For example: "Well, of course, no one had not occurred to ventilate the room before class".
His ability to see inconsistencies could to excite you if all this was made in an ethical manner. But the task of the PA personality does not correct the deficiencies. She doesn't care about the result. She needs a process. And this process is a struggle.Not an open battle for victory.No. The fight, better hidden, but persistent and endless.
He will fight with everything and everyone. If not with anyone outside, then around inside me. The price is not important. As I said, the process is important, but not the result.
It is the people process, the soldiers of the invisible front with invisible enemies.
In contact with them, you may be surprised at how simple things become insurmountable. As easy step becomes impossible, and a simple action turns into an endless confusing process. You are surprised and outraged, why the job failed, although no obstruction was not. Why, instead of simple decisions and actions the person continues to ask clarifying questions that deviate from the point.
Why, having agreed yesterday, today nothing happened.
With him you will inevitably begin to feel anger. You like to provoke and tease. And when you relapse, you immediately indicate bad character or lack of proper training.
Let's look at each component. Let's start with anger or aggression. She is, but she's looking for indirect outputs.
Sarcasm, irony, teasing, provocation. All that to Express anger is in motion. The main thing — to do it in an indirect way.
So, we emphasize the first significant component. The anger is there and it very much.
This means toenergy a person has.Its a lot and that's all he has.
So when our character asks for support and asks for advice, assistance, support, be careful! What would you he did not, it will not do any good. Favorite psychological game (Eric Berne, the theory of psychological games, Transactional analysis) called "Yes, but..."
Looks like you have asked advice you have been given, and immediately followed by an objection. Yes, he is asking, but I tried that already, did, etc. AND NOTHING GOOD came of it. If you continue to give other advice and recommendations, then prepare for what they will meet the same fate. While you would never a brilliant idea — the source is not the desired result.
Then what does he need? Here it's time to unleash the second component, the passivity.
Passivity in the behavior of the PA person is probably not inaction, and resistance, expressed in resistance to those actions that will bring results. Outwardly, it seems that people are just not doing anything for the purpose. But actually inside it is a struggle. He wants a result (well, who doesn't?) and resists him. And all his energy, and we remember that a lot of it, is the resistance to this action
Why, you ask, and you're right? It is, at least, strange.
To answer this question, we need to delve into the past of such a person, at a time when this formed part of the personality. At age active we are with the moment gain his strength. But to understand its power and to master it, we can only through contact with others.
Maxim grew up obedient boy. His mother was a very disturbing woman, full of fears associated with her son. These fears made her active in a relationship with him. She knew how to be a child of a good mother, and so she listened to little Maxim. Well, except the little boy can know he is. A mother always knows. Therefore, her relationship to the child resembled more violence than care.
From feeding, to choosing friends. Ingesting hated porridge, and then hated playing scales in the hated music school, max began to look for ways in which the mother was powerless. For example, it could bite or snatch.
He could just sit silently on the violin without touching the strings. In these moments, the mother exploded and yelled, he clearly felt his victory. He felt his strength when the teacher nearly sobbed from powerlessness and anger, and he just stood silent at the Board.And in my childish mind, he derived the formula "Force action, and resistance."
Since he was not allowed to realize and to feel his own power that wanted to do it, then the only possibility to get pleasure from their own forces it is guaranteed to be received when something resisted. Sometimes, then, in adult life, he caught himself thinking that he is not against what resists, but make already could nothing.
In childhood, the PA person is a dramatic experience such a "soft", and sometimes pretty tough violence in the form of care and control by parents. And they decided to take revenge. To take revenge on those that not to allow the parent to see the result.
So the best thing to do is not to reach the target and not get a result.
To make a parent hurt to have it, in the secret hope, I realized how bad the child. To asked, what do you want,
instead of force-feeding that seems to be the right parent.Isn't aerobatics revenge parents is not to be happy?
After all, one of the important results of being a parent is a happy child. And to deprive a parent of this award is the very unconscious goal toward which to strive, PA personality.
And the price here is not important. We are talking about the inner Child, which he is not yet important. A parent above all else, he is the source of life and love. Therefore, your ears do not mind to freeze.Thus, two hares at once be the trophy in this battle: the opportunity to feel its strength (via resistance) and the place of the parent (through non-receipt of the result).
Let me remind you that this process is unconscious. And people may sincerely surprised at the lack of results of their actions until then, until you see that he is his own greatest enemy. That subconsciously he is building a process so that the result is impossible.He chooses the wrong people, he does not feel the situation, not notice the important details, does not hear the recommendations.
Such people are often late, missed a crucial meeting and quarrel with the right people. And they always find an excuse and explanation for his behavior. And even sounds convincing. Most often the reason he sees not in themselves but in other people, in circumstances.Their problem is how to Express their needs directly, using the power of anger.
But they are afraid to show anger, so as a child it was impossible and dangerous. Therefore, the anger, and with it strength and energy are blocked and turn 180', that is, against themselves.
Life becomes a continuous overcoming of difficulties. Like in the famous movie, in which the client complains of headache and problems, while does not see a huge nail into his head.
Another important feature of the PA personality is stuck in the trap of "either-or". "Either you eat this mess, or you're not my son," my mother said. Parent left child array. Or do as I say or lose my love. This trap is firmly stuck in the mindset that makes the selection process extremely difficult.
Of these individuals make good critics and detectives, journalists, leading the investigation and satirists. Their sharp eyes missing nothing.
They are often good and loyal friends with a good sense of humor and willingness to help. By the way, humor is also their distinctive trait. They are extremely ironic.The fact is that anger and humor, there is one similar function: they relieve tension.
And since the wrath of the PA personality is blocked, then lot of energy can escape through humor. Here they have it and grind.
In social networks, the PA personality is easy to calculate. Their scope is comments. The fact that they rarely take the initiative. They tend to have to jump and drive on "stranger horse", to become visible at the expense of another. Their comments are critical and sarcastic. He provoke the audience and, in the end, disappear, confirming that the world and humans are imperfect.
As customers of the PA personality — test consultant. The game "Yes, but" will lead anyone to hysterics.
Therefore, the main principle in work is to give the initiative in identifying target customers. Until you get the answer to the question "What would you like?" — nothing to offer. The therapist in the transference will become the parent, which must be avenged.
And wait for the changes and advancement in the client's life would be extremely difficult.
What the PA personality is often very capable and talented gives hope for a quick result. If a person rejects the idea of revenge and starts to develop its strength through the direct expression of anger.
Learn to just say "no" instead of having to go into ambush and to build catacombs for guerrilla warfare. Instead of "either-or" starts to use the pronoun "I". Both, instead of either-or.
I hope that this information will help you better understand people and themselves, and thus will improve the quality of life. published
Author: Alla Dalit
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©