Today's article is about one very important logical error in understanding the nature of any relationship — error, which from the very first step in all relationship goes awry.
Imagine a machine. Conventional, four wheeled cars. It was invented and manufactured in order to quickly and comfortably move the owner wherever he needed. She is beautiful and convenient. Not the coolest, but not Cossack or something. You have long dreamed of his car, and here it is under Windows.
You are happy rolling on all her friends, boasted one, jealous of others, changed the oil, installed alarm, new radio, bought the place in the Parking lot, netted the best insurance. Everything is fine. The machine is not capricious, and it tomorrow on the other end of the world will not collapse, will take.
But it takes some time and it turns out that machine you have been idle, that you spend more time reading car magazines and crush on the forums, discussing what else we can improve to drive even more, even faster, even more economical. All you do is scrutinize and eagerly discuss, order new parts and do tuning from time to time make by car a lap of honour through the main streets of the city, easily furnished with all at every traffic light.
Car — super. You proud, but for some reason not for anything else, in addition to demonstrating their belonging to the world's motorists, the car is not in use. All the shops at your Windows, to work easier to get on the metro and leave the plane. The machine you have, you love her, but you don't need it — it is for you a matter of prestige, another tick in your life, and not a matter of vital necessity.
A year later, you realize that since buying the car completely fell out of the normal course of life, forget about all your other interests, business and plans. Life for a year stopped and focused on a long object of your desire is on the machine and everything connected with it. But the car is the only means of transportation. She had to provide extra comfort or, perhaps, become the entertainment, but had no way to substitute the meaning of your life.
And it turns a sad situation: the car does not implement his "divine" purpose, and the owner has lost the sense of his life by submerging myself in a foreign occupation. It is quite obvious that the meaning of life an ordinary person is not to be picked with the machine (do not take into account exceptions), and the meaning of existence the machine is not to stand in the garage and please the owner a sense of possession...That's about the same thing is happening with the relationship, only everything is worse...
because if the fanatical car enthusiasts, we look with a touch of irony, the people who have dedicated their life relations, and look with sincere admiration.
The meaning of life
Since we're talking about relationships, deeply immersed in the philosophy of the meaning of life is not the time or place. So don't go and say briefly.Biologically, everything is simple
— we need to be fruitful and multiply, and after his death to enrich the soil with their remains become food for other organisms. Psychologicallya little harder
— like a big tree growing from a small seed, our consciousness must go all the way from full unconsciousness until the full of their potential awareness. Something in us nature has, and it's more than pure physiology, and much more than neurotic attachment to another person, it is a spiritual and physical potential, which should be implemented. And we all hide feel it.
Simply put,life is a process of fulfilling our inborn potential
. We have to go some way in this life, but not in the literal sense, that somewhere out there beyond the horizon there is a goal to be achieved in order to obtain the five. There is a process of life — the process of movement along the path of self-realization, and the account is not the limit of the turn, and the movement along this path — it is here the feeling of fullness of life to the brim.
And if for some reason the movement stops and the person begins to walk in circles or stagnate, and then there is the loss of way, loss of the meaning of life... but in response to this condition the person usually begins to stagnate even more diligently.
The meaning of our life or the direction of our fulfillment we reported in our feelings — in those subtle intuitive feelings that whisper, where we go from here. But we listen to the hysterical voices of our fears, calling us to freeze in place and right here to start building your fortress defenses of relationships and anything else that will help us to ensure the correctness of the chosen path, the meaning of our life in this all-round defense to the circumstances and the rude surrounding reality.
And relationships with people — especially the love relationship is the best and most effective way to cheat. You just need to find the right person — his own neurotic reflection, my lost soul mate who's perfect sincerity to lie to me about my virtues, and I will respond in kind. The point of a relationship
So, here's the problem. The human life has some meaning and this meaning is definitely not to find your soul mate and build a relationship with her. The importance of this point social life is not in the nature of our soul who seeks reunion with a lost part of yourself, and the nature of our complexes and fears, wanting to find in another person the support and comfort. The goal of the typical love relationships — getting rid of the emotional pain generated by a poisonous sense of inferiority.
And if we talk about how things could be, if not for the complexes ruled the roost, then the relationship would never become the goal and meaning of life. Normal relations should be woven into the natural course of life, and not to supplant.
Women love this game to fill an entire man's life, or worse, to get a man to leave his life and his values for the sake of a woman with her goals and desires. And, well, relationships should be built around something that is important and interesting to both themselves in addition to relations and a love cooing, and this should be a link between them — sharing a common lifestyle, common values, common purpose, common passion.
The trouble is that for many people in life there is nothing that they do would be important not at the level of complexes, and at the level of emotional needs, and then loving relationship become the last refuge from feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness of their existence. And it says that your path is long ago lost and the person of the Supreme being turned into a cow... and well, if it is a rustic dairy cow, walking through the beautiful meadows, and then you can and the meat thunder.If nothing in this life is important, no sense, no own passion, then the time is wasted.
And the relationship then the situation can not be saved — they only aggravate it, allowing you to lose yourself in romantic illusions and problems that in most of these relationships arise. Relationship for relationships is possible, but this is the worst possible scenario,
and it is in these relations the most problems, because partners begin to demand from each other impossible — to subordinate his life to the relationship, to change for the relationship.
But the question "what are you ready for a relationship?" there is only one correct answer "To anything except to sacrifice themselves and their sense of life."
Jealousy and other troubles
Take, for example, jealousy. Easy to understand what all the jealousy is still the same inferiority complex — the fear to remain in abject loneliness, if the partner prefers someone else. And because of this, so I want to bind it to yourself by any means possible — insults, scandals, pressure on conscience and other manipulations. In war all means are good.
But on the other hand, is jealousy our problem called "relations for relations" — it is natural that we are afraid of losing what has become for us the meaning of life! If the relationship is all we have, then we won't feel the wild terror at the thought of their possible loss. And it reinforces that same mutual dependence, which destroys all relationships.Dependence requires us to stop being ourselves, to meet expectations, change yourself at the first whim of a partner, but that doesn't lead to anything except the growth of internal tension,
which from time to time spills out in a quiet hatred for each other... quiet, because even they fear to destroy the relationship that they don't Express their feelings directly. And there, where the bubbling cauldron of emotions, with no outlet, there is every possible psychosomatic diseases, not to mention the bitter and hopeless feeling of unhappiness I was experiencing.When the relationship becomes the meaning of life from them leaving ease and mobility.
Every even the smallest aspect of the relationship gains weight completely irrational scale. A quarrel over the most trifling things happen just for this reason — because that to me is everything can not be trifles! Familiar logic?But, hell, it's only a relationship!
The ratio of useful, interesting and enjoyable — no one disputes — but not in the meaning of our lives. Relationship is only one of the background tasks, the auxiliary tool. Like a machine, which is necessary in order to go shopping, or travel, and relationships are needed in order to enrich the life, decorating it, support their intended purposes. But I can't relationships be the main and only value in life, and when this happens, the future of such a relationship is predetermined, and it Butragueno.Not in a relationship happiness! Everything is exactly the opposite — that happiness is accompanied by good relations — do not confuse cause and effect.
The hope that good job, good friends, a nice house and a good relationship will make you a happier person — it's the stupidest mistake in life to do. The movement from the outside inward in psychology is not working. No is the most wonderful circumstances do not make people happy, just the same as any of the most severe conditions will not make a happy person unhappy. Do not dig there.
Also interesting: How to save a relationship: 5 pairs of contracts according to Karpman Michael Litvak: a Woman loves stronger, but recovering from an unhappy love faster
And no need to lie to yourself that your personal destiny, your personal meaning of life is in relationships. However, as you want... I will more work. published
Author: Oleg Satov