Have you seen a child who wasn't afraid of anything? I don't. I was afraid my son and my husband – was afraid. My clients also feared, and some fear still. And no matter what it is: fear of the dark, dogs, open or closed spaces. Even as adults we have a lot of options. What is there to say about children…
The first thing to know parents and children is that in fear there is nothing to be ashamed of. And (just in case) there is nothing funny, cute and hilarious. Fear is an ambiguous, multifaceted and difficult the logic of the banal.
For a child to be afraid – this is normal. At the age of 8 months, the child (OK) there is fear of strangers. The baby, who smiled sweetly the whole world, starts to turn away, to hide behind mom and crying at the sight of a stranger.
If the parents are calm and positive attitude to this person, and to the child, and to the world at large, this fear is gradually replaced by curiosity. But if the parents themselves are configured to strangers with distrust, and the child will be a tough one to swallow that fear and go to the next stage. The stage of curiosity and exploring the world.
And there is so much new, strange, interesting... Already captures the spirit. And baby it is urgent to meet from the creeping worm to the big noisy trains.
Of course, without strict supervision by an adult thirst for research may have a child to anything, including injuries, incompatible with life. In this case, our task is first to catch the bright-eyed child, wag his finger, etc. Then we tell him that the hot iron that the swing can painfully knock on the head that to drive a running knee on the asphalt is too painful. The meeting with a moving car or train deadly. It is impossible to leave with a stranger, to sit in the car to strangers, not in the forest to move away from parents. Because it's dangerous. Of course, some things he will definitely check it out for yourself. Because his main activity is the knowledge of the world. Healthy, agile kid will have to go towards adventure, finding bumps and bruises and burns. And God is with them, torn knees, grazes, nettle burns and small fears. In this there are much more terrible things: fire, exposed wires, open manholes, pedophiles, jerks the wheel, etc. How to protect your child?
And parents, for the sake of your own peace of mind, you begin to unnecessarily scare your child. The dog does not approach – will bite. Nettles don't go – sting, on the swing set don't go – fall, etc. It is really a lot easier than chasing bright-eyed curious kid in the bushes, wash it after meeting with a dirty puddle, to calm him when he was scared or hurt, to smear abrasion green paint and again to calm... Much more convenient to have it sitting next to, will not climb and did not ask anything. Sometimes the parents are on the way to safety and peace so you can lay it on thick, it's most of the curiosity will be forever the child ordered. He would not show it even there where it is needed. In education, for example, without it anywhere! Tell him then, that chemistry is interesting.
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Children's fears – in General, a paradoxical thing. On the one hand, children are interested in everything, their curiosity outweighs the fear. But if there's a trauma (physical or emotional), it may reinforce this fear so that the thirst of research will yield. Meanwhile, some parents rushing to the paradox: how to protect your child and not raise him "coward"...
One day I was approached by a mother with such a history: she walked with her eight-year-old son across the yard. In the yard there was a fight.
Fighting 2 man, and one clearly beat the other. She was and shouted to them something like "I now call the police!"and the child began to drag her hand towards the entrance with the words "mom, come quickly!". Then mom asked me, "is He... what is this? So it turns out that he is a coward??? It will kill, and he flee?»
I said, "what do you want? To an eight year old child got into a fight with two grown men? And that's where you were going to climb in the hope that he can come to your aid? A boy of eight," Mom thought…
Well, of course, had taught her: he be a stranger, but save your friend. Yes, it is good quality — the ability to come to the aid of another. But keep in mind that this assistance may be different. In his case, more effective would be to go home and to call adults, or to call the police, ambulance, etc.
I'm here about. The child will not grow up to be a coward himself. He has a survival instinct and therefore he is afraid. Fear is a natural reaction in a situation of danger. The problem of a small child that he did about this world knows. He does not know what is dangerous and what is not; what to look for, what not and what need to be careful. And our task is to help him out with minimal losses to his and our health.
There is one very important point. The child is calm and confident as much as calm and confident by his parents. Any normal parent would worry about their offspring. That's just the level of this anxiety and the way experiences can vary a lot. When the kid gets acquainted with the stairs we quietly and patiently teaching him to keep, insure and supervise until then, until we are sure that he has learned. Then, letting go of her son or daughter on the stairs, or the slide, or swing, mom would escort her sure guidance of the type "hold on tight, otherwise you can fall and be hurt," and that will be enough. Remains one eye to glance like a child clumsy, or Vice versa, with the agility of a monkey, swinging and climbing. But if a mother with each child's attempt to climb a hill or tree is experiencing a powerful and uncontrollable alarm, followed by shouts of "do not go, will fall" – rest assured, it is quickly discourage interest in the game into spider-man.
But this is only one part based on parental prohibitions, accompanied by the same parent excessive anxiety, tantrums, falling into a swoon, and other manifestations of the hypertrophied "care". While younger people need a clear and reasonable explanations, training and coaching on safety.
If, however, the child was frightened not by the mother, and their own experiences:
Physical trauma in itself does not cause fear. We all know how hard kids can be worn with the cast on his arm (or even leg!!) rejoicing acquired "weapons". But in the case when trauma is associated with long-term physical pain or fright impressions may last long. In addition, people with different character and different susceptibility will respond differently to the same experience. And if as a result of the acquisition of this experience the child acquires fear – the task of parents to help him not so much to "learn a lesson", but to help you understand what happened, why happened and to bring the situation under control.
My son was two years old when he "met" with hot tea. We were at a party, and I had no control over. He pulled the Cup off the table with hot tea. He was hurt and I was scared. Dipped his hand in cold water, seasick, sorry. Then it takes a day or two refused to take up the mug. Especially if it was tea. Get used again. I am in his presence poured it into a mug of cold juice. He little hands stretched out, then pull back and looked at me warily. But seeing that I confidently hold it with both hands, agreed to touch with your finger. Shuddered and laughed. Then the same procedure was tea, but he waited until the exact cool. One day was enough to overcome acquired fear of the mug. After this incident, spiced with stories about what hot items in the world are many and they are not only mugs, he carefully checked everything that could be hot, before it grab. Then forgot )) Injury no no, just a little life experience. Unpleasant, but useful.
In General, one-off physical pain, unless of course it without any serious consequences, is not able to cause long-lasting fear. The fear comes after the fear for the life or physical integrity. Or when glued together with another stressful experience, is generally unrelated to bodily injury. Then we have to work with the main experience.
Let me give you another example. Boy Denis. At the age of 12 he broke his arm. His parents went to ski, and Denis long wanted to learn snowboarding. Because of the riding experience he had, took instructor. And with an instructor no luck. The guy fell twice from the lift, one of them failed, and a slightly damaged hand. Tonight ride it no more. The next day had been sick and he went to the rink. There again fell down and my poor hand has finished.
The fracture was a child, in the area of growth, so that a fracture it can be called a stretch. But the plaster was. After a couple of days Denis gleefully toyed with that cast on at the school, collected signatures on it and enjoyed the attention of classmates. In addition, he received an official opportunity not to clean up, wash the dishes and avoid work during physical education. In General, the guy was in the chocolate.
It seems that the situation sucks. Here only to ski and the skates he had at one point lost interest. Which is weird because wanted to stand on the snowboard, and interest in skating before that it could not recapture nor bruises on the priest, no bumps on his forehead, no frozen hands and feet. He rode badly, but with gusto. And was determined to learn. And then BAM – and at length.
Just in this case, unsuccessful learning experience, ski tow, the situation is the fall, not fully mastered skates and broken arm glued together. 5 years have passed, neither on the mountain or skating – Denis or foot.
Moreover, cross-country skiing is worn with pleasure, and even with slides. So a broken arm is nothing to do with. You can, of course, to look at fracture as a symbol of the loss of integrity, and the fall – as a threat to life. Can we add here the increasing in adolescence, the castration anxiety that hails from the age of three and much more. In this particular case, I'm sure the primary factor in the debacle of the long-awaited learning to snowboard.
And then to this failure in a miraculous way, through damage to the hands, joined, and skates. People had high hopes for training and failed. The apparent reason for refusal of further classes was the hand. Not visible is the frustration and shame about failure and the fear of its recurrence. Then skates, feeling of insecurity, because the skill is not yet mastered, i.e. here, too, the learning process, again drop, again the same hand and again a fiasco. Denis painful, embarrassing, and unpleasant.
And yet, now he's scared that all further attempts will come again to failure. I think that if Dennis just slipped on the street, without any the skates (the accident), he at the first opportunity would go to the rink. And, perhaps, would have thought even about skiing. So the refusal of Denis snowboarding, Alpine skiing, skating, and is not associated with fear of damage, and the fear of failure.
Until now, it was about fear as a derivative of the instinct of self-preservation. About fear – like reactions to real danger. Whether danger to life or danger to self-esteem.
But there are other fears. With a different mechanism of occurrence. They have described grandpa Freud in many of his writings and later his ideas are reinterpreted and supplemented by numerous followers. But we will not go into the theory, because it is a very extensive and diverse.
I would like to talk about unreasonable (irrational) fears. When a person of any age is afraid of non-existent in the real world things or phenomena. And those that exist, but at the moment no danger. As, for example, the darkness in the room. It is real, but to call it dangerous is objectively impossible. Darkness carries with it the unknown, uncertainty, blurring the boundaries of space and time. In humans, almost at the genetic level founded fear of uncertainty. And the child feels it too.
There is another thing we should always remember their parents. If the child is afraid of something ephemeral and fictitious is absolutely a "do'er", this is not to say that he was joking and that it's actually not terrible. The character may be fictional, but real fear! And if in one situation (e.g., day) the child plays in his fear, that in another situation he is fighting for life and death. The only people who are unable to protect the child's parents. How? It's very simple: to treat his feelings seriously and with respect, to be close, to support, to talk, to discuss, to paint, to play into his fear with him. And if does not help – to take to the psychologist. And to make it so that the child realized that he wanted to help, and not punished for lying or cowardice.
The fact that growing a person is experiencing a lot of different feelings and emotions, only he has not yet learned to properly recognize and digest. These feelings and emotions can be so strong that the child can not cope with them. They're scaring him. He just needs somewhere to "attach" in order not to drown. Inventing the "evil byaku" the kid gives her part of his anger, rage, anger, fear, love, joy and all that he is not yet able to cope.
Yes that there – the other adults feel and behave the same. The child, of course, all of this is not aware of. He's just afraid of "angry Boo". But can you imagine what kind of creature! It's really terrible happens: the anger and nasty! With the same success the child can put in your spooky object appears he has sexual feelings and fantasies. Parents, do not rush to throw a Shoe at me.
The child also has his genitals, and he in connection with them experiencing the same feelings as you. These feelings can be scary, worse than the worst tit. Because he, because of his youth, not ready to understand or to explain. And they are at the level of the "third sense", which is also not really recognized, perceived as something bad. Man, even on a fantasy level, but interacts with these creatures every day.
Now try to imagine: how is it there in the dark room? The child is scared and it is difficult to handle this on your own. The task of parents is to believe and support.
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How can you help your child:
- Fears need to be discussed. Let me tell you that there is such terrible lives, what it looks like, what to do, what afraid of.
- The horror stories you can draw. And then to discuss. The beauty of painted horror stories that they come from the inner world of the child in the external world. And there in the material world may have something with their horror stories to do (to put under lock and key, to break, to drown in the toilet). It does not solve the fear problem, but it will lessen the experience of the baby.
- In Ghost stories you can play, puppet show performances, you can talk with them.
- When mom and dad are nearby and when they fight on the side of the little – retreat any monster. Your task is to be available emotionally. Be ready to feel like that. To be on the side of the child in his battle.
- Ideally, you need to understand the cause of the fear, to try to guess what kind of feelings people put into their monster.
- You need to constantly help the child to understand his feelings and experiences. To name feelings and emotions.
Remember, a person in this world recently, and just beginning to know him. He gradually begins to know himself. Respect his knowledge, his ignorance, his desire to learn. While the main protection and support in the way of research for a child are his parents, his family. Only together, you force.
And the main thing, dear parents, remember that desperate situations do not happen! What seems most difficult and insoluble in most of the cases can be solved with professional assistance.published