Foster children. Just a story

Experience roditelyami children are priceless and unique, because to help develop this child, you need to win his heart, but it is Oh so difficult, because such children have a lot of traumatic experiences in the past. And again comes to the aid of the process of adaptation of parents to the difficulties of these children. When we are tired, emotional response from our side is dulled, we feel less pain in the relations with children, but we do not feel emotional intimacy with our children, do not feel the unity of us together. It is worth noting that the return to contact with me (and then others) and in other situations it is also possible taking uncontrollable situation through the tears of futility. History of recovery from numbness of the mother of the adopted child follows. In the story, there is dialogue of a mother with a psychologist.

He lives in the family for four years, and, of course, during this time much has changed, but sometimes it seems that nothing has changed. When he falls to the floor and shouts, pretending the baby, or endlessly Hamming, or when it is impossible to reach. I can't articulate what exactly bothers me. It seems to be all alone fine. Well, a little behind it, there's a lack of attention, there is self – control suffers. But it seems to me, is not the case. Sometimes I look at him and everything in me screams that something is wrong! And people say, normal child. Or: it's just developmental delay.

I know that he does not have autism, but what was happening to him, something like autism. It's hard to describe what is the feeling. As if we are on opposite sides of a glass wall. You know the sad thing? I'm tired. Lately, I prefer to step back and not delve into his problem. Maybe it's even better: at least, I was less annoyed by his antics. Just can't do it. Numbness some.

And he talks about his past? The children's home?

– Earlier sometimes. Of course, almost nothing to remember. Once said: "I cried". But he said distantly, as if about someone else. I remember how he looked the first time at home, squeezed, frozen, half-open mouth, the vacant expression of the face. Everything as if through cotton wool...

– When a person is suffering and not getting help, after some time there comes a numbness of the senses. Suffering is part of some kind of capsule, isolated, placed on the periphery of personality is a matter of survival. And people and lives – split. It grows and develops, but the locked part of the personality is not changing and not growing. To not release it from the capsule (otherwise it will be very painful), it requires a lot of effort. Forces that could be spent on games, empathy, zest for life, learning, spent on the protection of the capsule. A person locked in it all the time reminds himself, knocking, like in the movie "Jumanji". And at the slightest stress you may not even notice cause – she comes forward, and then it only mean seven years, but actually two. Of course, you immediately feel that there is something wrong.

– Locked personality... It reminds Horcruxes.

– If you think so, “Harry Potter”-what is the book about? About three orphans.

– What can you do with this breakdown?

– You can play. For example, in the time machine. You have a time machine, and you can go back to a time when he was alone. To orphanage, children's home or hospital. Go back there and make him a little something failed to do then.

I'm going home. Well, Yes, it all fits. I finally got a clear answer to their questions.
He's still awake, and I go to his room to read before bed. Yes, the “Harry Potter”. The book is about three orphans.
– What song shall I sing?
– About the cat.
Begin to sing the only song about a cat that comes to mind.

Sleep, sleep, fear not, take refuge with a blanket of wool,
In this room of white ice
You come to the mouse-trouble.
Don't worry – it will drive the cat who always comes.
Sleep, forget that you are in the hospital
Windows – no Windows, and black slits
That the fortress is under seige in the winter...

I've started a huge sadness. I suddenly realize that this is it, two years or three years old, lying in the hospital alone. And nobody came, not obscured, not helped to cope with fear and grief. This is what locked in the capsule.

Understand why I want to distance myself: I am frightened at the thought that he had to suffer. I, a grown man with a conscious motivation, talking about acceptance, affection and care. I loved child from a happy family, don't want to know of a child who was dumped.
A little later I turned on the water in the bathroom and cry. And numbness that I feel inside for a long time already, will start to leave. Of course, it will not be easy. But we'll manage it somehow.

In the meantime, I sit with him in a dark room, and he says:
– Sing another song. Remember – "hope, I'll be fine..."? published

Masha

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: alpha-parenting.ru