Fathers and children: a vicious circle of resentment

Perhaps every man may, if desired, to make a long list of complaints to his parents. Even if the relationship with them is close and warm, any of us is what to remember — from never donated a puppy and ending trauma during the divorce.

Parents — those people who can not to make mistakes, and their mistakes are sometimes very painful gap in our lives. Any hastily thrown word can become the root of our self — doubt- regardless of the true intentions of the parents. And sometimes intentions are not the best. Even in the circle of his friends, I know many stories of incest and beatings, humiliation and rejection, despotism and manipulation. These children are a very big expense to the parents.

However, while we hold a grudge against the parents, we put his own life two serious hazards: depreciation and infantilism. And the word "danger" in this case is not hyperbole.

 



Eternal children of poor parents,Time has no reverse: in protest against the fait accompli, we put ourselves into a vicious circle of existential horror. "I wish the world were arranged differently! Demand that the sun rise in the West!" — we cry up his annoyance. But the sun continues to rise in the East, each time causing us pain this fact. About the way it is and in relations with parents. If the father beat you as a child, he does not cease to be your father — even if you want to forget about it. And, continuing to relive the anger and resentment, we again and again return itself to the position of the child, who was sobbing grievances under the covers after his father's reprimand.

Until you keep a grudge against parents for traces of the belt on the Pope, for the lack of a bike as a child, indifference or derision, you're left in the position of the child is weak, dependent and helpless. Live resentment and anger is the strongest bond with the person, which leaves us dependent on him and his reactions. If we're mad at your dad, then the thread of that anger keeps us in contact with them no less firmly than love or respect.

How does that translate in practice? On the basis of the unlived resentment or anger, we inadvertently begin to implement parent — script- or contristari.

My good friend Alena from childhood did not find a common language with his mother. They regularly fought and fought for a variety of reasons. A mother's love was for Alyona abstraction, which failed to experience in life. However, when she became a mother herself, we began to conduct himself with a daughter around the same way.

You know, I'm nothing special feel to it. Deal with her only out of duty. My husband willingly busy! He likes to drive her somewhere, to play, to communicate. But I can't!

Alenka often frustrated at her daughter. Noticing this, began to limit contact with her and even went to another city, leaving the baby in the care of his father. She successfully implemented the scenario of the "cold mother" as long as good friends are not poked her nose in this fact. Horrified, Alain signed to a psychologist. She read books, did placement, tried different methods before the ice was broken. And only when she was able to reduce the level of irritation about his mother, began to improve gradually and her own relationship with her daughter.

And sometimes people under the influence of resentment begins to build his life in part "in spite of" their parents. That is, sets in motion what psychologists call "contractarian".

My friend Anton my entire adult life cherished a burning resentment for my father. And, accordingly, he always tried to be "like dad" and constantly tossed and turned in search of "his" and "real". Changing work, changing women, changing cities. In many ways his lifestyle really was the opposite of the life that the father led him. Is sustainable and successful career had a lot of mastered professions, each of which quickly annoyed Anton.

Is solid the accumulated capital, which allowed the father to buy the best cars to travel around the world and pay for children's education in expensive universities, Anton always had a bunch of debt and no stable income, not to mention the savings. This "antitesi" lifestyle brought him momentary satisfaction, but it did not make him happy. After 30 years of Anton began to frequently suffer from bouts of depression which became more extended and deep. Depression, in turn, aggravates the situation because he knocked it out of the rut, forced to withdraw and weeks isolated from society. The situation improved only when he went to a psychologist and started regular therapy.

The catch is that such a search is by its nature endless, as a point of reference it becomes not man himself, his needs and characteristics as the parental figure. That is the way of the Anton led him not to themselves, but from the father. In this way, in the private sphere Anton repeated parent script: to forty years of age he has already had three divorces.

Trying to build a life contrary to the parents, we remain in the same dependence as in strict adherence to the parent scenario. Moreover, contristari something even worse because it's harder to track and understand in life. We often think that we are just choosing your own path. But just continue to play in disobedience.

Sometimes this relationship takes the form of a kind of symbiosis. So, resentment of the parents often makes the child a feeling of "they owe me!". Under the influence of this belief the same Anton again and again came to his father's house asking for help, when I had no money. Father swore, came to the bile, but the money was given. Thus between them there were painful symbiotic relationship — in the place where you usually love, or at least a kindred affection.

This form of relationship is formed where there is no normal emotional ties between parents and children. Then it turns into a kind of commodity-money exchange. One of the parties requires the other swears, but gives. In fact, the two get partial satisfaction.

But such symbiosis is still quite soft variant of dependence, where there is a certain balance that suits both parties. Worse, when motivated by resentment formed a dependency belief: "If they...!". An adult at some moment of life I understand that the parent of the error caused him some damage. And he starts the illusion on the theme "what if...".

— Now, if the parents are not divorced...

— Now, if they have not stinted, and paid for my education...

— If the father did not drink...

— If the mother at least occasionally praised me...

— If I hadn't silenced all my life!

— If the father did not suppress me...

On the one hand, the complaint is justified. On the other... any regrets of this kind leads us away from reality. And available opportunities to do something with my life right now. Rather than admit — "yeah, my parents left me such-and-such a legacy, but how will I dispose of them, depends on me," we continue again and again to return to the role of the child, expecting now fly Fairy Godmother and turn our pumpkin into a carriage.

 "Give me back!"Whether we like it or not, but the part of the parents always remains in us — in all senses. We have inherited their genes, and with genes — a lot of physiological and psychological characteristics. Patterns of behavior in situations of choice, a reaction to the weather and stress, allergic to tomatoes, addiction to strong tea, a love of blue-eyed blondes — the whole set of our unique characteristics in many ways is only a carbon copy of the identity of our moms and dads. Wittingly or unwittingly, we are their continuation.

Thus rejecting parents, we subconsciously reject a part of yourself. Condemning parents, we thereby condemn the part of the self.Insulting parents, we offend the very fact of his birth. It is like every time protest against this fact.

What is the result? To ensure that you are in constant conflict... no, not with parents. With yourself and life. So you thus are themselves constantly cite to the depreciation of its existence. Simply put, your mind constantly receives signals in the spirit: "I'm not supposed to exist." In fact, each time you pour out anger and hatred at their parents, you start a program of self-deprecation.

Whether we like it or not, parents are the source of our life. Undermining the relationship with them, we undermine their relationship with life itself. The result are increasing with age, depression, fear of death and suicidal ideation.

However, this does not mean that you have all possible ways to squeeze out of his heart the love of parents, forget the childish insults and wash their feet with water and rose petals.

The question is, to finallyto separate themselves from their parents to leave resentment in the past and start living in the present. You must realize two things.

The parents are what they are. They are not going to benefit from your offense. And the bike you have appears.

— You are an adult and independent man. It is you, not they, is responsible now for his life. And it depends on you — whether it's a life filled with love, or indifference, whether you have a bike, or you'll be envious glance at the others.

In fact, awareness of their adulthood — this is a normal separation from parents. Adult chews not the wrongs of the past: it creates the future. published

 

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©

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Source: matrony.ru/ottsyi-i-deti-zamknutyiy-krug-obidyi/