Loneliness in the crowd Bashny.Net

The current generation of adults is not only able to feel, but to empathize. And without that to build a relationship impossible. Maybe that's why we are so angry and lonely? Maybe this is what we need? We already have a lot – we have so many different things came up, and in many places life easier. But something valuable is lost. The ability to empathize, to share in someone's grief or joy.

Not so long ago I stole the phone in India. Right in the temple. Phone sorry, but more sorry for the baby photos in it that haven't synced up yet with the St. Petersburg SIM card. In General, some my personal details left in the phone, and now have to restore it or to accept missing. Russian friends (not all, but most), having learned about it as a blueprint saying the same phrase:

"Don't worry"

Not that I'd kill for a phone, but the phrase is jarring. Why shouldn't I worry? Why don't I have the right to feel what I feel? You would think that if this happened with anyone of them, they'd feel differently? And why do none of these people maybe I just sympathize?

Sympathy is not pity. It's not lamentations, saying "poor-poor, what a pity!". Empathy means: "I understand what you're feeling, you might be sad when someone stole my phone last year, I felt the same thing." That is, the recognition of other people's feelings is appropriate, accepting them and understanding.

When there are those who sympathize with you, it is easier to live. Immediately. You're not unique in your pain, you know. That's all – how many of you need to calm down?



When I tell Indians that I stole the phone, no one never told me, "don't worry!". Nobody said that the phone – a matter of time that it's the little things of life that God has given – God took. Now you will think that it is because of their poverty, but I'm talking about different Indians – many of them recent models of phones and tablets. They said, "I'm sorry", "wow what a mess" and "how are you now?". And to exchange with them a few words was more pleasant than to inform friends at home. Pleasant and useful. The sadness immediately went aside. And then you can make a joke on the topic "why the Lord my phone."

Loneliness among other people

Why is it so? Why are we so callous? Why, when we hear that someone has died, we spent a long time looking for some words instead to Express their condolences to the relatives? Why to people experiencing difficult times, we can find within ourselves the only ways to solve their problems or sigh – and nothing more? Why are we in all situations say to each other: "don't worry!"? Why have we forgotten how to support each other with compassion? Why are we even children always say: "don't cry, you're not hurt, don't cry!"? Why do people who are sick, we immediately start to talk about psychosomatics, they say, are to blame that you have snot? Why we always try to make a good mine at bad game and strongly encourage others to do so?

Why we do not have the culture of living of feelings and compassion to others? One girl shared that she really misses her mother. Technically, the mother is quite good. But there is one thing. Mom can't sympathize with – and come to cry to her on my knees is impossible.

"It is as if man. I said to her – the death of my good friend, and she responds by saying everything will be there. I share her feelings, and she says, well, come on out for shit! Even with my youth, when my first love dumped me, she walked past me crying and threw the phrase they say, but how many of these will have you, Vasek.

And it's so frustrating! I don't care about all future Vasek, because now is crashing my world today, and her comments only make me feel kind of lame, bloated out of proportion and hysterical. "

And I think such moms and not only among us very much. We with her feelings don't know what to do and where to go. And with strangers. Easier to communicate without emotion, logically and simply. What we're trying to do. But is that possible? And what's the point, then where is the relationship? Any relationship — this is including the exchange of emotions and feelings.

Without sympathy dear to a person more difficult to experience grief or pain. More precisely – it is impossible.You can only cram in a remote corner of his heart glued on top smile and pretend that everything is in order. But where will this lead?

And the most terrible loneliness is when you've had a lot of close, but you can't tell anyone about their experiences. No one will understand, will not support and will not sympathize. Sort of "loneliness together" or even "loneliness in the crowd." By the way, many girls complain about it on so alone even in the presence of family, husband, children, friends.

Another girl told me, very upset by the interrupted pregnancy. Largely because people either were silent, not knowing what to say, or said, well, young, still birth! And even those who are through the same pain passed, tried to persuade her not to get upset and not to feel what she feels. But is that possible? And unless it leads to something good?

Accommodation senses as they are

We have been drawn into the cult of positive thinking, they say and smile and think only about the good – and all will be well. But what to do with those not very pleasant, which exists within?

From what we do happy and joyful look, the other senses do not go anywhere.And still have a little bit each day and spoil a perfect picture of a happy and positive life!

Recently released the wonderful animated film "Jigsaw" — for the whole family. Very useful to watch for adults who with feelings not friends. The main actors in it are our emotions. And in one lovely episode we see a strange sight. One, so to speak, the man (actually half elephant, half cat and a bit of a Dolphin – but it's a long story) bad. Destroyed his hopes on a dream journey. And here he is sitting on the edge of a precipice and sad. It runs up to Joy, and tries to laugh, to switch, they say, will build a new rocket and everything we have is fine, don't be sad. But nothing has changed. He also sits on the site of, lost, and broken.

 

But for a hero sits Sorrow. She says simple things: "I understand how you're sad now. Probably it is very painful to lose the dream." And a miracle happens – just a minute it thaws, a little crying – and ready to go. He again full of energy and optimism. Wonders!

Here it is — the essence of living emotions. It is impossible to suppress the emotions. We should not pretend that they are not that they are wrong that they are inappropriate. If emotions are – they are and should allow them to be. Such as they are, even if someone doesn't like it.

And at the same time, any accommodation accelerates the presence of another person capable of empathy. That is, tune into your mood, to understand and accept you that way – in pain, in sadness, in anger. That's why people go to psychologists. At least for the money, but during this reception you finally feel the sympathy. You're not alone, you're normal, so all is well.

Why aren't we able to empathize?

1. Because they themselves are afraid of their feelings

And then there's the alien! To deal with any feelings is always doubly frustrating to those who are not friends with them. For example, parents, struggling to suppress the anger, can't stand tantrums and whims of children. Because it excites in them the fact that not lived and accepted.

In our minds, the emotions are divided into good and bad. For those that can be (but is also preferably not too bright), and those who are "good girls and boys" it is forbidden to test in all circumstances, not to get dirty. And even better not to stand near those who are experiencing these emotions again, "dirty" or "infected".

2. Because we never sympathized with

And we don't understand how miraculous sympathy. And we're talking only about the sympathy grief or pain. But rejoice together – it is also compassion. But often it so happens that you know exactly with whom to share the joy that it became more?

I know girls who did not talk about their pregnancy even mothers, because they immediately began to persuade to abortion (one child already there!), her friends, who immediately began to intimidate childbirth and complications, the more familiar. And here seems to be you have joy, and with whom to share – is unclear. But to share something you want, it is natural for a person to share emotions.

3. Because confuse sympathy with pity

But it is absolutely different things. Pity demeans, corrupts pity, pity sucks. And sympathy is always on an equal footing, with him to live their emotions much easier and faster. And that's including what distinguishes us from animals.

Empathy is the ability of one person to tune in to another lad and support him to experience, to share with him all of this, to understand.It's not like the shame that hangs from the top and crushing despair. By the way, you may notice that when you share your pain and you regret, the easier it becomes. On the contrary. But if you sympathize with – is another matter.

4. Because we used to solve the problem

Generally is a typical male way of responding to stories about the problems, but we have so absorbed the male traits and thinking that for us it becomes natural. For women its the nature of sympathy in General should not be a problem. It naturally comes to you – how and the right words, but it needs to be what is called "in the flow". In the women's thread.

What thread are we – it is easy to understand. Because usually we start each other advise. Her husband offended? Urgently do so and so! Did something happen? Think about what you did, where sinned. With health problems? Get Handbook of psychosomatics, here's a drink powder.

Advice is good, don't think that I am against. Only after you shared with the man his feelings. Then they do not irritate. And then it's a slightly different format of filing:

"I understand how you feel, a year ago I also had an experience. It was difficult, but helped me this."

Agree, this is easier to hear, there's a chance that people will use it. Otherwise – why give it to them?

5. Because we want to be "positively thinking"

So many studies, theories, saying "smile and everything will pass", "visualize a dream, chase away worries" and so forth, did the trick. People are afraid to touch the inside everything looks very positive. Sometimes it looks very strange – clearly artificial smile, a little crazy looking (because within the middle of that), memorized phrases. But what is really going on in the soul of man?

I know people who pretend they are super-successful, and are in serious debt, which is constantly growing and improvements are expected. But people "visualize" that soon everything will resolve itself, if you think positively. What to say – you have a husband, remember. Not resolved. Then I had to clean up.

6. Because tribal history made generations of people's feelings and everything associated with them – to destroy

Tell me, how can there be sympathy and where to get it during the war when thousands of women lost men and fathers, and sons, and husbands? If it was impossible for them to grieve and had to raise children and at the same time continue to produce tanks at the factory? Even if there was no time to cry and no one.

What is the sympathy and sharing feelings can be the times when one wrong word you can rat out neighbors, and for you and your loved ones will come? And even if his wife did not say, because it can convey? And if you've seen someone was gone and they never came back? Maybe neighbours, friends, colleagues, and maybe someone from the family? How to share emotions, if another perspective on what is happening is prohibited and tough enough? What is compassion, if there is only fear and quiet hatred?

How and where can take the compassion a woman who sticks out for 8-10 hours on the unloved work, where it squeezes all the juice for the "five-year plan in three years", when your personal feelings – nothing, and shared goals – all?

Where sympathy if the churches were destroyed, sacred books burned, icons – the reason for the arrest, and God, according to the official version, there can be? When we believe only in secret, so no one would know and not guess, and of course, you can't just tell children they can do somewhere in the school is not something to say? When you stay in this world alone and understand that there is no one to protect you?

Look at our history of the last hundred years we have destroyed in ourselves the ability to sympathize with each other. Now we have "every man for himself" and "man – wolf". And it's not so easy to erase. Generic memory of our ancestors still lives in our hearts. Although we now have nothing to fear – we continue to fear and live the way they lived. Then it was a way of survival, reliable, but very expensive in nature. Now times have changed, but we are still surviving.

7. Because we are very smart

Honestly, sometimes I think about how wise were our ancestors, who did not score women head knowledge. For many reasons. A woman with a great mind (not mind) – this is a nuclear bomb, which itself can hurt ones. Because giving knowledge is easy, but to train them to use – difficult. It requires a mind. And women in this place very much prevents restless mind, prone to thinking with furious speed, to distort the facts in its sole discretion, to turn everything on its head, including emotions. That is, the use of knowledge in the absence of strong mind or wisdom is zero, it will become even worse, and not only everyone around, but herself.

And besides if we constantly live in the mind, feed the brains, absolutely cease to enjoy the heart. It is not logical and intuitive, for interaction with a higher education diploma is not enough. With him the porridge will not weld. But women's mind is developing through the heart. Only the living heart can become wise, relying in making decisions not on logic, but on feelings.

 

And if we are talking about compassion, how can sympathize with the woman, whose heart is like a pebble or a piece of ice? How this will help her huge swollen to incredible size brain?

But now know yourself to persuade yourself to explain something – that it's the little things that worry about such nonsense (even if the stuff is departed husband) is not worth it. Because how many more husbands will be! We know a lot and use this knowledge here and there – as necessary as best they can and how horrible. Only here to feel – not know how. Exactly. And therefore benefit from such a huge brain, almost none. Is that the crossword puzzles for them to guess.

8. Because we were raised with

Drop a small child and the parents told him: "Well you scream, you're not hurt!". When he put a shot, the same parents promise that it won't hurt, knowingly deceive, and then another, finishing off with phrases like: "do not cry, just a little bit!". When the child did something happen at school or in the kindergarten in the course are: "don't worry!", "It's such nonsense!", "You have these Vasek else will be!" "Found anything to be upset!". Promise one – you're not allowed to feel what you feel. It is wrong, inappropriate and wrong. So take your feelings and put them somewhere that they eye blisters.

Although each of us, the parents, could remember himself in his childhood and to tell that when-that too was crying the whole day due to a broken doll, a blow on the head of Vaska, deuces undeserved or unexpected pimple. Instead, we again and again to seal the child's mouth and heart with tape labeled "do Not worry".

9. Because we do not understand how important this is

We have now it is not accepted. It is not necessary. When the school is issued a school-leaving certificate, estimates for the ability to deal with their feelings, nor the ability to empathize is not there (then what kind of maturity this certificate).

10. Man in General is prohibited

For our modern man, the only legally available "emotion" is a "face brick". Then he looks in our eyes smarter, better, braver. What's under this brick society does not care.

So Yes, men generally can not sympathize with. Because even with a do not understand. To fear them is impossible, too, to cry, MOPE, do not have the right, with anger, too careful. What remains? Life wax statue? Heart attack at thirty or forty? Alcohol?

Sympathy is like, not very manly trait and feature. Although Indian men in my head this myth dispel. Staying with men, they are able to empathize with others, and openly. So, the question is one of cultural traditions and upbringing?

In this sense, we are with you easier. Even though we are raised as boys in many places, but at least some feelings to show we are allowed. At least we have a chance to maintain – or revive.

Empathy is vital. It's not just words and not just emotions. This is a relationship that strengthens our relationship with each other and ourselves.So next time when you want to tell someone- or herself "do Not worry" — stop. And try another way. Suddenly something will change. published

Author: Olga Valyaeva P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! © Join us at Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki

Source: www.valyaeva.ru/ne-perezhivaj/