Let me go

At his daughter's wedding, I cried like never cried, probably from childhood. Bitter, intoxicating, silently. The tears flowed and flowed: the face, the camera that I filmed of young hands.

"Why are you crying," asked the guests, – because it's good. Look at them: young, happy, beautiful." Yes, they were beautiful, shining in her new life on the inside was shining, flying, smiling throughout. And I was crying.





I was looking at her, fragile, still quite young, and knew how much worries will fall on her shoulders after a very short time. Almost physically felt, how much hardship, suffering and sorrows, yet they survive.

Not because they are somehow predisposed to it, no! But because it has to survive everything. And so anxious to conceal, to hide, to protect his little-his beloved first daughter. But she resolutely pushed away from all my attempts to keep her safe.



Masha began to move away, as all children in adolescence. Appeared own life, their interests, their idols, their friends. I was glad that everything goes as it should, and knew that soon she dives into her life with a head, once and for all. But so quickly? At 18 years old? Once married? And being away from home? No, I was not ready.

"I would never have allowed this!" – said once one strong lady, knowing that my daughter was married at 18. And I imagined, as it "does not allow": locks at home? Scandals and shouts? "That his feet were not here!" is about her friend. "First of all, I graduated!" is about her.

I saw these scenes as if they happened in front of me with screams, tears, angry words and resentment. And the wall, a huge concrete wall between them, which the mother raises their hands.

Let's be honest, I have to say to those who have children are still quite small: the wall still appears at some point, no matter how you tried to be attentive, loving and interested. Children grow up and fence off their inner world, their fragile nascent independence, to have strength to be away from parents.

Perhaps some insensitivity of youth was given to fulfill this gap, to make their first steps, not to buy into the sadness in the mother's eyes and yet to leave, be myself, and not my mother's sequel.



Then, after a while, if not try to punch this wall with your forehead, it will disappear. After separating and realizing himself, feeling its borders, realizing who you are and what you are, a person with new interest looks at the world, those around. He look differently at their home: not from the inside, as it were, from the outside, but still with the aching love story, childhood, reading books in the evenings, sharing walks and talks.

Feeling safe from the claims and demands of mandatory return of love, your adult child begins again to talk to you more often to call, to come by. Sometimes it takes years.

And only when you release it completely, the emerging new relationship – adult child and adult parent. Not the parent who shouts "give me my toy, my son, he is my life and my consolation," not that which their own hands strengthens teenage wall: the child is locked away from you, and you attack, bombard, require a "kick the crap out of your head." Wall gets higher, armor for the soul of a child stronger.

Adult parent, the one that took place as a parent is the one who let go.

We raise children, wrote teacher Simon Soloveichik to become unnecessary to them, so the kids learned to do without us. This is the goal of all teaching and parent labor. And one of the conditions was to release on time. To the young there is time for mistakes, to fatten cones, yet there is inner strength and enthusiasm, on finding.

It is very difficult. Really hard. And not because you, the parent, insidious and malicious, but because you love and care about you want to protect and maintain, I want to hide myself and to take care of all of it, your child hits. Do not go out.



As a child we have to give to fall to learn to walk, to be wrong, to learn to think and read and do some simple things, and here. You just have to let go, to unclench embrace, to give up and resolve to be happy or unhappy, tired or suffering from, experiencing, separately from you, without your protection, without your support. So he learned to live.

 

See also: if Only his eyes were retarded and happy...

Neuroscientist John Lilly about a non-existent objectivity and sense of fear

 

Yes, it lasts a lifetime. And one of the things to discover suddenly that you are no can help your grown child. Only pray and worry. To smile when drinking tea in his kitchen, crying, when traveling from him home. Well and love. In the same way as before. Even more. To have compassion and love always. published

 

Author: Anna Halperin

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

Source: www.pravmir.ru/otpusti-menya/