Get two.

I spent two nights in communion with her mother in law and found myself on how I lost the habit of communicating in the assessment format. Weaned so that they do not just stop my hurt, they have turned into some kind of foreign language.

"Do you think it is good that you have children do not speak in Russian?". "As Sasha with children, enough doing?", "And you work is good?" "And the chief good?", "A pay normal?" "And Tessa seems to me became pretty, huh?" "And Sasha's diet - this is normal, "" why should he hit the sport in 40 years, he did not coach will work, it is generally okay "

??. I get lost in the answers. I can say that I am sad that the children prefer to speak in English, but I do not see the strength and capacity to force them to Russian. I can explain why. I can share as in me struggle guilt, laziness and futility. I can say that Sasha plays with children in the monopoly and teaches Danilitch tumbling, but I do not know if it's enough. I have not thought about it in the category of "enough". I do not know if my work is good and I have to pay my fine. I know that I can do it and I get at the market level, and that someone it will be good, but some do not, and that money can be missed or miss and it depends. And Tessa in my eyes are always beautiful, unique and one, and I can not rate it on a scale of sweetness, either now or before. And Sasha's such a diet, which he chose himself, and that he is committed to close it, and it brings him joy, and I do not know whether this is normal, and for whom.

I see the situation as facts, feelings, tendencies, I do not think about them in terms of "right" or "bad," I think about the causes and consequences of decisions and emotions, their own and others.

And I thought today, so that's how - such a difference in language digest of the world. Where does the need to assess? Why are there cultural sharpness to "fool she," "it is done", "they are the goats." Removed in the room - a good boy. He struck his sister -. Bad

On the surface - it's easier. The lack of habit to put forward an immediate assessment of the forces hear, and that he, the boy says. And why he says it. And why he says. And it forces to reflect what he feels there. As he sees it. Why he does so. And this in turn makes it impossible to see in person the object, forcing react and feel in response empatirovat, understand, hear and think. Rubber Stamp "They're all gone mad. Polykhayev "saves the trouble to understand what it is they, in fact.

A small child - it's feeling raw. Neither logic nor relativity, or the ability to mix, no awareness, no control - all this will develop much later. Child little heed to the words and should not be the voice of reason - it is for our words avidly seeks out our feelings. That is why psychologists say that is absent, the parent ignores a lot worse than emotional. Children speak with us in the language of the raw, not clouded senses, not chained until analysis of their correctness, propriety, relevance and usefulness. The language of a small child - it is the language of feelings and response that are looking for the children - it is our feelings

. What is the score? Evaluation - a refusal to co-feeling. This rejection of the opening of the "I" - "I see," "I understand," "I feel pain", "I'm lonely", "hurt me", "I hurt," "I am happy," "I'm happy", " I'm confused, "" I am ashamed "- and replaced with the judgment, the resolution of who you are. Evaluation - this refusal to sense the level of dialogue. Talking with your child in the language of assessment, we deny the child's feelings, replacing them with judgments of-judgments. He speaks to us in the language of the senses, and in response to hear gibberish. And quickly learns gibberish, because children are designed to learn and adapt. And it becomes an adult with a sacramental question "but it is generally okay?".

When we hurt the unbearable grief, we close our senses to survive. I watch old movies about the war, and I am struck by the number of prohibitions on the senses. Just died in the fire of her children, "Nuno, gather, the war is not tolerated." Yes, we disable the survival stress much - cease to feel pain, cold, hunger, to sympathize. And then raise children, not being able to answer them the language of feelings, and they are frostbitten it myself, too, replacing them with the assessment, as a way to navigate. Frostbitten body feeling is replaced by counting calories, freezed emotions - rated "Fuck", "not to escalate," "nonsense". We speak a language that we know, and if a child, we know that on Mount response, hurt pride, the hope was to remove a person with a machine gun assessments "as a little", "imagined", "good boy", "crazy" - we lose from it unlearned the language of feelings, lost and frightened, and evaluate, evaluate, evaluate. Maybe it diagnosed? Maybe I'm a bad mother? Maybe he's wrong baby? This is not normal.

Feel - so it is not clear and is not normal because we do not know how. Because each feeling inside is translated in the assessment immediately. I am angry with the child, so I'm a bad mother. I want to handle, I mean dependence. I'm offended, I worked on an inadequate means.

Learning any language is always difficult. Knowledge of the language - is first of all an understanding of the other picture of the world, different, not like her. The same with the language of feelings. The decision not to evaluate, and to hear other people's feelings to feel forced to respond. When a three-year yells that he gave the broken banana, the easiest way to say it's garbage. He you on your own feelings and emotions - and you tell him in response to his, logic and evaluation gibberish. But he does not understand gibberish, he just feels that he does not understand, and learn to gibberish. And then grows big and wrote on the internet wilderness, "no one understands me", "want to handle," "just want to hug"

. Unless we understand that we should try to remember the forgotten language of feelings, we will build a close, we will produce generation after generation of those who vaguely wants to handle, but does not know anything about it. While we each time, discipline and humility do not learn the language of the lost senses, and we will not understand their children. Dismiss untranslatable kakafoniya children raw sensory evaluation of "it's just a little silly and" much easier than even to see them. See and analyze them is easier than trying to understand. Try to understand easier than afford the co-feel. How to take the pen. How to feel the hurt irregularities world where banana - broken

. Author: Olga Nechaev