Notes. day 205

< Patri

You know, sometimes I feel like I'm - I do not. Well, not in terms of people. I recently asked a question: who are you? But I know, I did not even realize that they have in mind. Well in terms of - who am I? I said a woman. Then he wondered. A woman I do? In me so much male energy that is overflowing gush. And then - whether we are women or men? Who has defined this division?

Then I began to suggest all the "right" answer is "man." And I wondered. A man I do? And what is man? I said, "living being". More I have not found an answer. Because I can not call myself and to define what a living, breathing that my nose and mouth, ears to hear and tactile senses, seeing eyes. What feels and how in me. How can I explain that I sometimes behave like the sea that the waves, storms, and then relaxing in the calm. Or like a beast. Sometimes - like a cat. When I wake up, or when Murch. You know that my voice box, even set up so that I can pass rumbling. How to explain this? And in any way. How can I explain that when in the water - I was a fish that does not sink and can dance on the surface of the smooth surface, and even if they wanted to - I did not flood. I flip and dance. Water takes me as his native creature. Recently climbed the mountain, stood on all fours and climbed like a wolf. I woke up in a dog's energy. The guy who is watching, said I look like a zombie. He was scared))) he was afraid. He said that I was very clear: the butterfly, the cat, the seagull, the lion, the wolf, the snake, something like an orchid. And how to explain to him that everything is interconnected and breathing? And in any way. He diagnosed for myself, "You're acting as if you're always on LSD." Interesting diagnosis, despite the fact that he has never tried LSD not. As I. As with the other person, who repeated his words. It's amazing. We, who tried drugs, so freely argue about the likely effect. I always want to respond like Prince Myshkin in Daunhause: "No, I do not like pills. I choke them. I prefer fish to breed. So I do not need drugs. I see life without painting. And I have a certificate. »

What am I doing? And what we heard yesterday, classics and killed fish. That really killed. Not me. I watched and I was scared. Because we are in this incredibly cynical. We are happy to eat something that is alive. And we are afraid to kill. Here is another who will do - thank you, even a co-pay. And as soon as we kill themselves, then we shout in horror. And then we eat with pleasure. Straight from the tin because ... yes. This is how.

They say that I'm a girl treshovaya. And you look at our lives. She treshovaya? It bunch of fear and terror. As well as beautiful. And in order to atone for sins - I water the orchid. But I'm not afraid to admit that I was. And the life around me - so. I look at her face - and I'm not afraid. She's beautiful, strange and sometimes terrible, but if you trust - the enveloping. I'm not afraid to die even today. I wonder - who I'm going to die. That's really interesting. Good thing I do not do drugs. Just imagine what would happen if even tried.

Today, I want to do something useful. And not just today. Every day for me a gift of discovery and new experiences, and another «challenge», which is not so terrible if you smile at him, how does a child 5 years.

I'm sorry that I do not always admit you into their world. Because you are not always ready to accept it. And sometimes I'm just your bank. Because this requires courage. But I love you. Even when it suits you best hide in a shell of prudence.


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