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Men who run
Increasingly in life, and in psychotherapeutic work, we are faced with a strange behavior of the man: first, he does everything to win a woman, but having its location (this can be as a sexual contact and emotional involvement), loses interest.What is this phenomenon? And some men behave this way?
Addicted to love contrary to the standard view is found not only in women but also in men. Quite often, in menit manifests itself in this way. There is not classic for love based on the picture, when there is a desire to dissolve in the other person, to merge with him, constantly interacting (desire for intimacy such men are only in the process of "conquest" chosen girls, and he wants to merge with a painted ideal, because the real person he doesn't know yet).
As soon as the man seeks the manifestation of interest from the girls and begins to interact with her is real, he immediately gets scared and hides "in house".
Therapists call this behavior a "snail", "snail". Fear inhibits the desire for communication, especially to "test" themselves for two or three weeks not to call the woman while "the power of feelings do not subside".
For such people, real human contact is difficult, sometimes unbearable, they confuse emotional intimacy and complete dissolution in the other person. Fear drives them to find the girl a lot of flaws to devalue and alienate. To devalue — a usual thing for such men, because they are extremely demanding and critical of yourself, tend to find flaws and fixed them, and then flee from himself true to his idealistic.
Why is this happening? Did the man not looking for a relationship, as claimed?
The fact of the matter is that relationship he really wasn't, only he doesn't know about it. He can live up to 40-45 years of life, never agreed with any woman for cohabitation. Maybe deep down, regret, envy friends who have families – wives, children, but in the discussions to argue that it is his active choice and position.
In fact, he is just at the stage of finding yourself, and even runs away from himself, from his emotions, fears, insecurity, loneliness... These men actively assert themselves, gaining the woman, including all his charm, ability to care, to feel calm and balanced. But behind that facade is a very insecure, deep down, condemning himself for "weakness" and "too sensitive" child. To admit it is very scary and not desirable, but it is one of the goals in the treatment of these patients.
It is not clear why winning the woman he stays with her?
He's not ready for a relationship, moreover, is afraid of them, afraid of them to lose, to dissolve. Of medical psychotherapy practice I can say that any kind of patients share a common history of relationship with mother. They are with her in a very strong emotional and psychological connection.
And, no matter whether it has long in childhood, and currently there is only resentment and anger at her or they still go through life in tandem, both physically and mentally bound to each other. In any case, deeply unconsciously such a relationship with a woman is perceived as oppressive, depriving them of their integrity and freedom. With his mother to break this bond is very hard, and men lose it with women, endlessly tearing with them, then closer, then disappearing.
For girls it is very painful, because during courtship the man just her dream – attentive, polite, enthusiastic, skillfully Express an interest, might even make allusions to the future happy family life, but as soon as she would believe it immediately dissolves and is unavailable cold. He gets great pleasure in observing how she "crazy feelings" trying to get drawn tale. It flatters his vanity, temporarily enhances self-esteem.
To make it clearer about the relationship with mother that can be told about the childhood of such men?
It's very interesting! Usually, his mother is emotionally unstable woman who had relationship problems with men. Often she brings up her son alone, but even if the husband is, she does not take him seriously, a lot of criticizes, condemns, and he in revenge "drinking, walking", a lot of work and/or completely leaves the family.
The mother builds a relationship with his son, a minor age dedicates it to their problems, including emotional, using as a "cushion" for tears and tantrums, requires him to match her to the perfect man without considering that he was still a child. Often, even physically does not give him personal space: one patient was forced to sleep with mother in the same bed until the age of fifteen, as her relationship with her husband was a conflict and she decided to sleep in my son's room. Nothing surprising in the fact that he, being already an adult, I periodically experienced severe irritation at the woman lying with him in bed and the desire to escape from there.
What is the role of the father figure in the upbringing of his son?
This role is the following: in fact the father was not. Or it did not happen, or he was gone for work, abused alcoholic beverages, engage in relations outside of marriage and no active participation in the education of the son was not accepted. In addition, the mother in this situation acts like a victim, calling to intercede for her son, and he stands up to condemn the father, and therefore blocks the male manifestations and developing masculine qualities in yourself.
Now you can imagine the depth of psychological issues such men, when they grow up?! Same-sex object identification – father — rejects.Mother, which for many years was the merger, perceived as a tyrant, the aggressor, who was deprived of their own freedom and development. The relationship observed in the family between a man and a woman conflict, "as in war". But if a real relationship was not, then was stream the mother of his opinions about men and relationships with them as something very bad.
Whether raised in such conditions the man himself to build a healthy, functional relationship, when in his experience this is simply not?
As a rule, can not. First, functional relationship requires the ability to communicate constructively to resolve conflict situations and to communicate their feelings and needs, be willing to hear partner.
Because men, when he was a child, it was not possible to develop such communication skills, because his feelings are not heard, the real needs are not accounted for accordingly, he did not know how to recognize their feelings (what in psychology is termed alexithymia); he had no example of a friendly, respectful conflict resolution, and this skill had not completely formed. The main strategy of conflict resolution such men, avoidance, isolation or — more often — preventing conflicts in General by itself, disengagement from the relationship or fix a relationship from your life.
Secondly, this male will grow up very insecure, those insecurities, trying to hide not only from others but from myself, not taking any manifestations of "weakness" to look like "man" and carefully to hide their feminine qualities, "adult child".
Which to feel more Mature and strong, will stretch to take decisive, active, overwhelming women, to achieve their, leave, feeling his strength and power over them. The method can be very severe, resembling revenge. They do not realize that they have goals to build relationships, the unconscious goal is to win a woman to prove to her that he is stronger and thus throw off the power of the mother. But competing with a woman, they are even more immersed in her femininity.
The loser remains only for yourself — because relationships are full of suspicion, hostility, short truces, chaos. In fact, there is a demonstration is not men's behavior. Such men sexologists diagnose the individual characteristics of development in the form of violation of sexual identity. Her symptoms are, for instance, promiscuity (frequent changing of sex partners) and hobby power sports for the purchase hypermasculine figures, it's all hypercompensation character.
Thirdly, in my experience, such men are unconscious that its "impossible love" that he was "not worthy of love". This setting is based on deep insecurity, associated with a large number of complexes, which often in therapy work disclosed.
It was formed because of the criticism in childhood, the lack of praise, encouragement, clear demonstrations, simple expressions of love, sympathy. And now man does not know how to recognize them and accept, and therefore devalues, considering, for example, that "she need my money", "I don't know, and know better — refuse." Therefore, he repeats a familiar scenario – first laid out in full: "Look how good I am, how I can care for, to compliment, and I have a car, money, I can spend it on you, for example, to give flowers...", but as soon as it receives attention from the partner, breaks the contact becomes "the pursuer" "persecuted". The girls mostly begin to "haunt" because you feel strong frustration, incompleteness, misunderstanding of what is happening. Then he becomes sick, because she acts like his mother, "does not breathe"... And so the vicious circle.
Interestingly, these same symptoms can indicate the violation of the sexual identity. Whether such violation to correct?
Yes, quite successful psychotherapeutic approach, however, is not fast. And the first thing to learn is to recognize its advantages, strengths. For these men a lot of inner self-condemnation, rejection, anger and resentment. But they have many advantages over other men.
They do a sensitive nature, good guesses and dreams of other people, it makes them consummate lovers are very gentle and affectionate. Patients tell us that more ready to forgive such men for entering into a sexual relationship as more "sensitive", sensitive, passionate sexual partners are not met.
The main reason for the conversion of such men to the psychotherapist, the sexologist are sexual disorders. The lack of emotional intimacy with a partner, high insistence to itself, including in sexual terms, tendency to dwell on the "flaws" women take offense at the slightest provocation, even where this reason is actually there, rather quickly can lead to erectile dysfunction and impaired ejaculation. Therefore, the therapy of such patients is a complex multilevel process, which must be conducted by an experienced technician.
Is doing a great job at the end of the experiences associated with emotional and psychological dependence on the mother, the dissolution of this connection, the acting out of repressed emotions (resentment, anger, anger...).
You must help the patient to recognize that acceptance, humility, weakness, ability to ask for help – this is the normal quality of any man, even the most courageous.
Develop and consolidate new patterns of behavior in relationships with women. Of a competitor it becomes an equal partner: "the Woman is also man." Because these men almost never talk for real women: are not candid in revealing his experiences, not interested in feelings, wishes and views of women, this aspect should be discussed actively in therapy. published
Author: Larisa Shtark
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©
Source: psypublic.com/articles/14/
Addicted to love contrary to the standard view is found not only in women but also in men. Quite often, in menit manifests itself in this way. There is not classic for love based on the picture, when there is a desire to dissolve in the other person, to merge with him, constantly interacting (desire for intimacy such men are only in the process of "conquest" chosen girls, and he wants to merge with a painted ideal, because the real person he doesn't know yet).
As soon as the man seeks the manifestation of interest from the girls and begins to interact with her is real, he immediately gets scared and hides "in house".
Therapists call this behavior a "snail", "snail". Fear inhibits the desire for communication, especially to "test" themselves for two or three weeks not to call the woman while "the power of feelings do not subside".
For such people, real human contact is difficult, sometimes unbearable, they confuse emotional intimacy and complete dissolution in the other person. Fear drives them to find the girl a lot of flaws to devalue and alienate. To devalue — a usual thing for such men, because they are extremely demanding and critical of yourself, tend to find flaws and fixed them, and then flee from himself true to his idealistic.
Why is this happening? Did the man not looking for a relationship, as claimed?
The fact of the matter is that relationship he really wasn't, only he doesn't know about it. He can live up to 40-45 years of life, never agreed with any woman for cohabitation. Maybe deep down, regret, envy friends who have families – wives, children, but in the discussions to argue that it is his active choice and position.
In fact, he is just at the stage of finding yourself, and even runs away from himself, from his emotions, fears, insecurity, loneliness... These men actively assert themselves, gaining the woman, including all his charm, ability to care, to feel calm and balanced. But behind that facade is a very insecure, deep down, condemning himself for "weakness" and "too sensitive" child. To admit it is very scary and not desirable, but it is one of the goals in the treatment of these patients.
It is not clear why winning the woman he stays with her?
He's not ready for a relationship, moreover, is afraid of them, afraid of them to lose, to dissolve. Of medical psychotherapy practice I can say that any kind of patients share a common history of relationship with mother. They are with her in a very strong emotional and psychological connection.
And, no matter whether it has long in childhood, and currently there is only resentment and anger at her or they still go through life in tandem, both physically and mentally bound to each other. In any case, deeply unconsciously such a relationship with a woman is perceived as oppressive, depriving them of their integrity and freedom. With his mother to break this bond is very hard, and men lose it with women, endlessly tearing with them, then closer, then disappearing.
For girls it is very painful, because during courtship the man just her dream – attentive, polite, enthusiastic, skillfully Express an interest, might even make allusions to the future happy family life, but as soon as she would believe it immediately dissolves and is unavailable cold. He gets great pleasure in observing how she "crazy feelings" trying to get drawn tale. It flatters his vanity, temporarily enhances self-esteem.
To make it clearer about the relationship with mother that can be told about the childhood of such men?
It's very interesting! Usually, his mother is emotionally unstable woman who had relationship problems with men. Often she brings up her son alone, but even if the husband is, she does not take him seriously, a lot of criticizes, condemns, and he in revenge "drinking, walking", a lot of work and/or completely leaves the family.
The mother builds a relationship with his son, a minor age dedicates it to their problems, including emotional, using as a "cushion" for tears and tantrums, requires him to match her to the perfect man without considering that he was still a child. Often, even physically does not give him personal space: one patient was forced to sleep with mother in the same bed until the age of fifteen, as her relationship with her husband was a conflict and she decided to sleep in my son's room. Nothing surprising in the fact that he, being already an adult, I periodically experienced severe irritation at the woman lying with him in bed and the desire to escape from there.
What is the role of the father figure in the upbringing of his son?
This role is the following: in fact the father was not. Or it did not happen, or he was gone for work, abused alcoholic beverages, engage in relations outside of marriage and no active participation in the education of the son was not accepted. In addition, the mother in this situation acts like a victim, calling to intercede for her son, and he stands up to condemn the father, and therefore blocks the male manifestations and developing masculine qualities in yourself.
Now you can imagine the depth of psychological issues such men, when they grow up?! Same-sex object identification – father — rejects.Mother, which for many years was the merger, perceived as a tyrant, the aggressor, who was deprived of their own freedom and development. The relationship observed in the family between a man and a woman conflict, "as in war". But if a real relationship was not, then was stream the mother of his opinions about men and relationships with them as something very bad.
Whether raised in such conditions the man himself to build a healthy, functional relationship, when in his experience this is simply not?
As a rule, can not. First, functional relationship requires the ability to communicate constructively to resolve conflict situations and to communicate their feelings and needs, be willing to hear partner.
Because men, when he was a child, it was not possible to develop such communication skills, because his feelings are not heard, the real needs are not accounted for accordingly, he did not know how to recognize their feelings (what in psychology is termed alexithymia); he had no example of a friendly, respectful conflict resolution, and this skill had not completely formed. The main strategy of conflict resolution such men, avoidance, isolation or — more often — preventing conflicts in General by itself, disengagement from the relationship or fix a relationship from your life.
Secondly, this male will grow up very insecure, those insecurities, trying to hide not only from others but from myself, not taking any manifestations of "weakness" to look like "man" and carefully to hide their feminine qualities, "adult child".
Which to feel more Mature and strong, will stretch to take decisive, active, overwhelming women, to achieve their, leave, feeling his strength and power over them. The method can be very severe, resembling revenge. They do not realize that they have goals to build relationships, the unconscious goal is to win a woman to prove to her that he is stronger and thus throw off the power of the mother. But competing with a woman, they are even more immersed in her femininity.
The loser remains only for yourself — because relationships are full of suspicion, hostility, short truces, chaos. In fact, there is a demonstration is not men's behavior. Such men sexologists diagnose the individual characteristics of development in the form of violation of sexual identity. Her symptoms are, for instance, promiscuity (frequent changing of sex partners) and hobby power sports for the purchase hypermasculine figures, it's all hypercompensation character.
Thirdly, in my experience, such men are unconscious that its "impossible love" that he was "not worthy of love". This setting is based on deep insecurity, associated with a large number of complexes, which often in therapy work disclosed.
It was formed because of the criticism in childhood, the lack of praise, encouragement, clear demonstrations, simple expressions of love, sympathy. And now man does not know how to recognize them and accept, and therefore devalues, considering, for example, that "she need my money", "I don't know, and know better — refuse." Therefore, he repeats a familiar scenario – first laid out in full: "Look how good I am, how I can care for, to compliment, and I have a car, money, I can spend it on you, for example, to give flowers...", but as soon as it receives attention from the partner, breaks the contact becomes "the pursuer" "persecuted". The girls mostly begin to "haunt" because you feel strong frustration, incompleteness, misunderstanding of what is happening. Then he becomes sick, because she acts like his mother, "does not breathe"... And so the vicious circle.
Interestingly, these same symptoms can indicate the violation of the sexual identity. Whether such violation to correct?
Yes, quite successful psychotherapeutic approach, however, is not fast. And the first thing to learn is to recognize its advantages, strengths. For these men a lot of inner self-condemnation, rejection, anger and resentment. But they have many advantages over other men.
They do a sensitive nature, good guesses and dreams of other people, it makes them consummate lovers are very gentle and affectionate. Patients tell us that more ready to forgive such men for entering into a sexual relationship as more "sensitive", sensitive, passionate sexual partners are not met.
The main reason for the conversion of such men to the psychotherapist, the sexologist are sexual disorders. The lack of emotional intimacy with a partner, high insistence to itself, including in sexual terms, tendency to dwell on the "flaws" women take offense at the slightest provocation, even where this reason is actually there, rather quickly can lead to erectile dysfunction and impaired ejaculation. Therefore, the therapy of such patients is a complex multilevel process, which must be conducted by an experienced technician.
Is doing a great job at the end of the experiences associated with emotional and psychological dependence on the mother, the dissolution of this connection, the acting out of repressed emotions (resentment, anger, anger...).
You must help the patient to recognize that acceptance, humility, weakness, ability to ask for help – this is the normal quality of any man, even the most courageous.
Develop and consolidate new patterns of behavior in relationships with women. Of a competitor it becomes an equal partner: "the Woman is also man." Because these men almost never talk for real women: are not candid in revealing his experiences, not interested in feelings, wishes and views of women, this aspect should be discussed actively in therapy. published
Author: Larisa Shtark
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind - together we change the world! ©
Source: psypublic.com/articles/14/
