Assumes that we care about those we love, and manifest our feelings and relationships.
We want the best for our children and loved ones, we sincerely believe that this cap will protect the baby from certain of meningitis, this soup spoon will help the baby grow healthy, these wool trousers will prevent future problems with women's health. Close for some reason, otpaivala, otbrykivatsya, puffed out his lip and tightening the hated pants right there in the Elevator.What happen to us when we do it? What moves us?Anxiety
We are desperately afraid that the children will be bad, painful, hard, and we have to OBSERVE IT. That is, to empathize with unbearable suffering. We ourselves will be at this time hurt, and in order to not feel emotional pain, we draw on the ears of the cap,and had used our will – and another nail would come.
The other day I saw the amazingly beautiful and accurate cartoon "song of the sea". Not seen? View necessarily, it is a masterpiece of art, and music. In the heart of the conflict is the all – powerful witch, Macha, who, unable to endure the suffering of his widowed son, decides to save him from torment and takes away his senses: first, sorrow, despair, then anger, then pain, quietly goes out of joy, compassion, happiness, pleasure... she goes hard after the rock became her son. And it's called "I care about you!".
I'm not talking about those very simple and unpretentious things, like cover with a blanket razletevshihsya baby how to cook dinner for the return of staroceske from school, no. About Intrusive and aggressive form of care where one person, without even asking, and you need his help, and in any form, interfere in the Affairs and life of another.
One of my close friend's parents gave the cottage. Great! It's so cool! Everyone will be jealous when they find out!
Only now she has a nursing baby, husband purely nominal and missing the money to spare on food, and she works part-time lessons. That is, giving her objectively contain nothing, leaving there with the baby, she loses the only source of income, giving no amenities (toilet is not something that on the street it didn't exist. A bucket in the hall. The water in the column, furnace heating, the nearest shop is 5 km. walking) But parents believe that it is useful for kid to spend the summer in a village than in a stuffy city. Care? And then there!Why is my daughter not happy? Because she is stupid.
BorderSometimes the concern masked by trite self-defence.
Woman, 55 years, a loving mother and grandmother: "I love my children. When son and daughter-in-law come to visit, I'm happy. And when my daughter and grandson at all, winged. Only now began to notice that the evening begin to gather them "got in the way": pack up leftovers, take out the jars of all sorts, there honey, jam, all of them in bags of shite. Baby books or toys with you. I would not have noticed, but the husband suddenly says: "Mother, you look like a grenade in a trench throw these pies and tarts. You them right Bang in the corridor."
And then it dawned on me. I'm tired for the whole day, when the guests. I want to lie with a book, droop in the series, tomorrow is Sunday, it will be necessary for parents to go, they have to be removed-to cook, want to rest. Just say "dear guests, you are not bothered if the owners?" language does not turn. So start packing, sort of nice to do, but the point is this: isn't it time you need?".
About myself I can say that beginning to ask, not tired if anyone wants to take a walk, or watch a movie, or going to get ice cream, for the same reason:I want to be alone.
In fact, the difference between this concern and aggressive intervention in the Affairs of sovereign States, in this: I was asked to cook this soup on this day "Mom! I've missed your broth! Cook for my arrival?" the daughter, returning home after a year of internships) and I decided that the children from the road it is NECESSARY to have first, second or third and put them all under the motto "I tried!".
The Russians called the Vikings rule and Rurik ruled a lot of years, to everyone's delight. And the Horde had not been asked, that turned the Yoke. Although I'm sure that Genghis Khan is also thought that brings the light of culture to the barbarians.
Now it seems to me extremely important to give children space choice: you want me to do for you what? And reply to this directly and explicitly expressed request. Otherwise then we get frazzled mothers ("all I do for them, and they are all small!") and de-energized, the sad children who tell me at the gala that mom was never around and that they missed that I wanted to lie with a blanket and a book, and received the museums and excursions.
If you have to develop the metaphor of feeding, proper care is a breast baby and kebab teenager. And we all strive spinach and the others, though the whole kitchen has spat. But the spinach (in our view) is more useful, so we will push.
That's not necessary so. Ask. By the way, if instead of the coveted milk/barbecue to feed something else, the saturation does not occur. The child remains hungry though and it seems that ate a lot. Because not given of the only thing that was needed now.Sometimes it's the only thing – only to sit in silence and listen, without comment.
Author: Katerina Demina
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©