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For example, in my parent's family were blurred boundaries and excitation walked freely from one family member to another and in a circle. Most often hinging on the child. Under the excitation of I mean pure characteristics of nervous processes. Most often it manifests itself in the form of anxiety.

For example, mother and mother-in-law offended, my mother was angry, felt worthless, a bad mother etc... It is with this anger is unable to cope. Of course, the child is to blame, that behaves and provides a reason to devalue the grandmother's daughter-in-law. And then the child gets from mom. Now I feel like a bad girl, prodigal daughter, etc...

Or, for example, mom directly at me does not swear, and begins with terrible force to worry about the fact that I'm coughing/walking alone in the street/ a bad student... it does not matter about what.

My mother's anxiety, anger, fears transmitted to me. Because the child can not cope with such strong feelings, the more alien he starts or especially to lead, or hurt. Or both together.




©Vicky Mount

In short, we got a little person who is not able to regulate their arousal. Because:

• first, he does not understand where it comes from and where it will arrive;
• second, he has no place to see a good example of how man can containerwe and lives his feelingsas exposes of the border. In his experience any affect need immediately someone to "merge" and often it is either through psychopathic behavior or through a bodily symptom.

I for example, learned to communicate only through a bodily symptom. This is the main form of communication to loved ones that with me something happens and I need help. Most often it is the message that I need someone to drain the excess excitation. Hello Perls with his "slop bucket".

Here is the "use" of loved ones. Instead of a healthy mutual exchange, mutual use. Its main feature the element of surprise and unpredictability. Nobody knows at what point will call/will appear mom and going to shout/complain/stress me out.

This surprise breaks through the borders in the first place. Feeling like you hits the vortex and twists sharply in an unexpected direction. I abruptly cease to feel your body, your boundaries, block the breath. What I have done before abruptly becomes not important and not interesting. I would be in the field of another person.

Accordingly, all in the family are trained to supervise others subject to sudden and unexpected proximity and generally the fact that each of the others happens in real life.

For example, I need to know exactly not drunk dad or husband to understand what awaits me in the near future. Accordingly, I'm going to try to influence each member of his family from whom I can "fly" an unexpected affect. I will intervene in their life, criticize their interests, Hobbies, and so forth, simply because the more predictable they are, the easier for me to live. That is, I have developed the ability to regulate themselves and to live in accordance with their interests, and to control and influence the environment so that they are not excited and did not leak on me then his excitement.

It is clear that the husband in this situation, the predictable one that is lying on the sofa. Even better if not working. But in my eyes, no surprises.

And children better patients, but under the control and custody.

And I let all the sick and all the time the victim, but trying somehow to regulate their lives and control those on her too much influence.



©Vicky Mount

Even in such family, respectively, are received by the one who are now the worst. Ie, if you're sick — you do not touch. Or, on the contrary, all come running and start dragging you to the hospital. But if you are healthy and in a good mood, it means that you all urgently need. How can you rejoice and enjoy, if mom so bad, the garden is not planted, the cottage is not completed, the child has not learned the multiplication table or arranged to Harvard, etc etc..

I turned the thesis Nina rubstein that control the other those who are not able to regulate itself.

Only I don't want these people to criticize and condemn. It's really hard and frustrating when you're a child used as a garbage can. It is important that people wanted to get out of this and learn to live and healthy method of communication, construction of boundaries and the regulation itself.published

 

Author: Natalya Lopatina

 

P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©

Source: natalter.livejournal.com/6561.html