The less the baby cries, the more tears sheds its parent

"The less a baby crying, the more tears shed by his parent," From lectures Neufeld about the process of adaptation

Below is a wonderful story about moms making their own imperfection, about how a mother's own experience of the futility could help her strengthen bonds of affection with her daughter. If a child has difficulty with the process of adaptation, disturbed attachment, then the parent has to cry a lot more tears over the fact that he is not able to provide child the opportunity to experience the futility of their aspirations. And this story is not about how to first take care of yourself, and not about the possibility of an uncontrolled eruption of her anger on the child, it is about the ability to listen to yourself, accept your emotions and learn to Express their ecological relationships.

The last two months, go to therapy, and, unearthing the cause of the problem with which I came, we talked for many aspects of my life. And the first month we almost all the time discussing my relationship with my daughter, because this problem was so immediate that I couldn't of anything else to say.

Daughter is 3.2 years, she's a tough girl look at children and see that most are much calmer, relaxed, obedient. I was always with my daughter difficult, so I came to alpha parenting when she was about one and a half. To two we came to a very harmonious life, then was born the youngest child and the next 9 months I lived just at the limit of moral tension.

I tried very hard to be a good mom to both children, give everyone quality time, not to communicate with them mechanically, to be a container for negativity (about her daughter talking in the first place, of course, but it is still in crisis three years, and in the crisis of relations with the Pope, and with a tendency to hysterical reactions). And every day I felt like I was hauling stones, no matter how I tried, but almost every day I was broke and shouted, or swore at my daughter, or not knowing how to achieve desired behavior, threatened her some punishment (not walk, not sweet), and sometimes not in altovski were taken into another room and forbidden to go a couple of minutes, because it is already so mad, he was afraid ass beat. And every night I feel chastised, scolded, nagged and hated for that here sleeps my little angel, such a delicate, sensitive, so in need of love and acceptance, and that her mother is a shrew who can't cope with his bad temper and his desired two children.

The psychologist led me to a very simple idea that never crossed my mind: trying to be a container for emotions poor daughter, take her with all faults, I've never been in this container for myself and not accept their flaws. The feeling of guilt which, like a spring, twisted with each mistake, only exacerbate it. And I tried to let it go.

I decided to “reset” and not to adhere to any theories of education and allow yourself to act not in the framework of theories, and of course. The first two weeks were pretty rough and loud, but even though I was yelling and swearing inside did not rise such a wave of emotions, didn't want to spank and punish, just wanted to let off steam. And daughter felt it and responded to my voice much calmer than before. A couple weeks later, I suddenly realized that I was no longer screaming that her daughter was much better to listen to with less effort that I no longer count the hours till bedtime, I had of force: moral and physical. And most importantly, I finally felt daughter, with my son it came from since birth, and it was always over his head. And sent this “I must behave, so in any case” that happens to me very weighed down, releasing the tension, and suddenly I was much closer to the coveted “alpha”.

I so often meet in the office, and review the words about guilt, about fatigue, about how difficult it is to follow the theory, and I understand it perfectly. Maybe what I have written, from the obvious, and no America I will not open, but I have spent so much time poisoning is life and tortured and, if not for the side view, to be tormented now. So I decided to share this experience, perhaps someone it will be useful. published

Author: Alina Schur

Source: alpha-parenting.ru/2015/03/12/podelitsya-myislyami/