How to respond to tantrums of other people's children

What if the cry of other people's children on a plane or train you dismay, what is emotional hunger and how it manifests itself in adulthood — told us the psychologist Nelly Kupriyanovich.

— Sometimes in public areas — in cafes, on the train or plane screaming someone else's child or he is acting up, disrupting our plans and dreams on a quiet road or quiet Cup of coffee. The situation is ambiguous, because to make a remark such as indecent...— Situations happen different: the child is physically ill and he's crying, or the child is naughty, in this case, of course, possible to appeal to the parent "do something, kid nuisance". A lot depends on what structures work in the relationship of parent and child. I have three kids, and I know when one is crying — I need to get away, to cry soon ended; when one cries the other — I should turn on, and then the crying will end.

Children from birth scouring the world for the boundaries and the permissible. That is, they are manipulated from birth, of course, unconsciously. Already to two years of the child's fixed patterns of behavior: with my grandmother to drown legs and yell, and then she'll do it, but grandpa doesn't work... 90% of adults also manipulate it on an unconscious level.

As far as the child is "divorce" their parents — so he's wide (in good and bad sense) boundaries. Child can turn adult "RAM's horn" in so far as they allow him to do it.

Most often, the parent chooses one of three strategies: ignoring, aggression or satisfaction at the first click. Each variant evolves with age. Of course, ideally, all three strategies must be able to combine.

The situation is common: a tantrum in the store, on the floor screaming. Mom burning with shame. She turns on the combination of dependence on social opinion bothers her that will think about it "a bad mother". She quickly agrees to purchase, and thereby reinforces the child's destructive behavior. The child grows, the tantrums continued, modified. So, the teenager can say "buy me a car or I'll drown myself" and the parents are afraid — and rightly afraid, because the child has a fixed pattern of behavior "a threat always works."

So, competent mother will ignore a tantrum in the store. I do think that in this situation includes strangers: you begin to regret or blame — whatever. All! It drew attention! Although initially he unconsciously plays "mom".

— From lack of attention?— All men are emotionally hungry, someone it is more, someone less, and someone just knows how better to satisfy. But all is formed. The basis is a basic trust in the world and feeding. Emotional contact needs to be on all channels — visual, auditory, tactile... There are failures — there are imbalances. We need to emotionally eat, not to starve. Julia simultaneously, which I advise you to read all that says the child needs to hold at least 7-9 times a day! It is necessary to talk, to play. Involve the child in their Affairs — cook together in the kitchen... He'll be emotionally nourished by communication.

In General, the emotionally hungry child gets attention in different ways.


The first is to do everything well. Earning attention. It often leads to a complex of "excellence" to perfectionism. Every time plank is growing. One teen is not enough of the score to the red or diploma before enrolling in the University, and it leads him to suicide. He can't deal with failure.

The second is disease. If a child is sick — he needs visual, auditory, tactile therapy! And not only during illness. From a child who gets attention through illness, you may be an alcoholic, drug addict, etc. Parents rush to heal, a conclusion from hard drinking... And he had to have adequate emotional feeding.

The third way is to do a "Skoda". I can't think of another word. Child harm — accidentally broke something, broke the window, pulled someone... For this child gets "under the tail". For the emotionally hungry child really doesn't matter — stroking or beating. He is an important contact, understanding that it is for the parents. Later, a man committed to self — destruction- speeding, suicide, prison or something else. Theft in the store or just gossip. Unknowingly make someone "Skoda", even indirectly. For example, your friend says he saw your husband with some girl ...

— There is a concept of norms in respect of the child?— If only medical... And then — everything is relative. Children 2-3 years doctors put so many diagnoses — "dyslalia", something else... And the poor parents are scared and trying to do. Not talking to two years? All, some lunatic! In fact — all is the norm. All will in due time. The child up to four years to keep quiet.

A medical diagnosis of "hyperactivity"? Somehow manage in kindergartens, psychologists and educators put such a diagnosis!

Is now the time labeled everywhere — in the garden, at school... the Task of parents is to protect children from this "garbage" of the outside world. But for this it is necessary that the parents were self-sufficient.

The child, in fact, is a continuation of the parents. It is a reflection of what is happening in the family system and the relationship of the parents. A child plays in his environment.

— The child's behavior always depends on the situation in the family?Have happy parents — happy children, parents have adequate — adequate children. But usually problems with the child is an unresolved problem of the parent. So, if the mother suffers from dependence on social opinion — it will be a child's "pummel" when it is not something that causes discomfort to others, but mom thinks he can harass someone. That didn't bad.

From another mother, this situation just does not arise, this method of interaction will not occur: if the family is not accepted to shout, the child will not achieve something by the Creek.

— How to respond to uncomfortable behaviors of other children in the public space?— We are in a public space and should understand that if the plane is for all, then there can be various categories of people: elderly, adults, children. If the airline authorizes the Board to all, then it must ensure that everyone was comfortable.

The situation may be different. For example, cafes that want to see a lot of visitors, care about their comfort (bring pencils, paper, books, colouring books to children, doing children's corners). After all, the child comes to a new place — a cafe, plane, train — and no matter what it is its tenth flight, anyway, everything is unknown. A new child is stressful. You know, when the bride make a proposal — she suddenly starts to cry while expecting the proposal, but she is crying because the situation is stressful for her. And a child. He may not like very much — the plane is gray, which is a closed space, the smell may not like, finally...

— What to do in such a situation to others? Especially if the parents are unable to help your child cope with this stress?— Option two: to help or just to condemn. The second is easier...

Good or bad comes child/parent — rating is generally a relative thing. In Sparta unwanted children are left on the street — either they died, or they were picked up — and then it was the norm.

For a child well, if there is a new factor that will entice him. Great if the child is on Board and will give some new toy — then he immediately begins to play and softly adapts to the new situation, place. Same cafe — a child was draw, and while he's in the situation becomes more familiar.

Than the parents themselves live — it is necessary to include the children. 12 years ago there was a kids disco, I took my daughter to a disco in a year. The world is so adapted to all ages — has it all! In restaurants you can spend time with baby in the stroller. If the door icon-the limitations of "roller", "dog", "stroller" you can not — then the school assumes the responsibility to provide comfort to customers.

To condemn the easiest. Each person assesses the situation through the prism of their complexes. What is it mother? Pain-the child or does not hurt? Maybe mom to do something or not? The answers are our guesses, fantasies... Maybe this particular woman is a standard situation that her child needs an hour to yell. Maybe he expresses his emotions, relieves tension, energy. He yells an hour and then it's all good, "Golden child" in the rest of the time!

— The voltage drops a kid, but it accumulates others. We want the hour of silence, but received quite the opposite, a violated expectation.— The child can be uncontrollable. A child isn't a robot. It is impossible to turn it off, when we need it. And the difference between a drunk passenger?

— A drunk can call the police.— Yes, the child will not cause. What can be done? To switch seats with the passenger to move to another compartment (on the train), but there can be a snoring Granny... you Can plug your ears and try to sleep. Plain paper absorbs 70% of the noise.

The parent may strain and try to interest the child. But until he mastered the surrounding area — to pull the curtain as he leans the table, etc. — he will not sit down to draw. We need to give him time to study. And no matter how much the child years.

But it happens that the parent, for whatever reason Prisursky, he's exhausted, he's got a serious problem, etc.

So, the passenger door can be a headache — he Prisursky, mother's child, someone close died — she, too, preserna. Perhaps the passenger with the pain and complained of this situation in this moment I want to about him a little care, just sympathize with.

What is there to recommend? You need to meet, and need to ask for help, to offer assistance to others. We often happens that one person with the problematic situation faced by others in the same. Interaction does not occur. It turns out the aggression. Emotional state is screwed even more. Maybe a mother whose child was acting up in the train, already so sick of teachers "your so horrible" and then the stranger demands to calm the child...

Interact can and should be. Try to solve the situation, do not be afraid to offer assistance.

— In our society, broken communication? The problem is this, in your opinion?— Relationships exist, people do not build them, don't use them. Now is the time when people closed in itself. Emotional hunger is growing. People categorically do not come in contact nonetheless. It turns out that any clash of interests is, in fact, conflict.

In a train in situation of a noisy child would just explain the situation and offer assistance: "I Have a very headache, can I to do something to coupe became a little quieter?". And the response is sure to be! After all, the mother also need to hear what she offered help. She's used to it that her baby gets, she needs to constantly help someone... If she had to request help in such a situation — there rejection "I can't do anything" or "you need — and you do!".

Each person is responsible for your emotions. Breaking the world to be good to you — not quite right, because it's a violation of someone else's world. Align your world at the expense of another is wrong.

If I'm uncomfortable that the child hour of yelling on the plane, I am responsible for his unhappiness and for your comfort. And only I have the responsibility to take care of your own comfort. But if I need to reassure the child — that violates someone else's world. Ask the steward to give headphones on the plane they are. Or you can help the baby to switch — launch a paper airplane! Primitive but things don't work "give a piece of candy, you don't cry." Need to get creative.

Well, if the child puts the parent, but if the Creek is when the flight something was not allowed, not bought... then he can scream long and scream fixated on the mother, who likely will not be able to calm him down. The rest of the passengers then fall "under the distribution".


Also interesting: Hysteria in children: what to do

7 ways to stop children's hysterics


But if you suffer your condition of discomfort for a long time "when it will end", it is worth considering. You make a choice to endure, that is, to self-destruct instead of taking care of yourself. Man "touches" on the situation from the outside world, depending on their condition. If the mood is good, then we don't care: sun on the street or rain, there will be someone on the leg or not.

Interviewed Alina Douche


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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