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Failure or rejection of: what is the difference
Bashny.Net
Disclaimer this is — "I don't want coffee."
Rejection — "I don't want coffee from you." I mean, it's not that I don't want or don't like coffee. But the fact that it is offered you. Me unpleasant and unwelcome you. And not coffee.
"I'm not buying you that toy" is a failure.
"What the hell are you asking" is rejected.
What is the fundamental difference of the failure, from rejection? That refusal is no scoring component.
I'm just not going to do that. Because you don't want. Or you can't. For whatever reasons of their own, which personally with you nothing to do. This is not a request or suggestion is bad and you're not bad because they asked. I refuse to comply with the request or accept the offer. And I recognize your right to feel about my failure all the emotions — frustration, resentment, anger, sadness.
In case of refusal nothing in my relationship with you does not change. There's you, there's me. I see you, your feelings, understand that they are a response to my refusal, I admit that my decision was the cause of your unpleasant experiences, these experiences can recognize and sympathize.
You in this moment for me don't disappear. I'm not trying to absorb, commanding "you don't have to think, to feel and to respond, and needs — so!" (message " you have no right to something, you as the individual do not should be)
I, too, will not disappear. Do not show your reaction to failure is destroying me — "How could you?", "What are you doing?", "Oh, you're so — I have never and nothing!" (the message — if you dare to have something private, you'll lose me, my love and care).
Adult, especially if he is not injured in childhood rejection, to do with this situation is much simpler: in this place I do not recognize and do not support — find another, one where my personality will react differently. The child nowhere to go, anyone born with those and live at least until adulthood. And he is hamstrung by the choice:
— to be "eaten" by adults to abandon all their own, including feelings and thoughts, and to go into the "authorized operation". When I don't choose what to do, think or feel, how to react to something and waiting for someone to come and say, can I do that-to think-to feel-to respond or not.
— Either choose freedom and the lack of support, trying to autocomservice and learn from everything in life to cope as early as possible. Usually much sooner than formed a real willingness and ability to deal with it. According to the principle "do not hurt something and wanted. It gives some illusion of his strength and self-sufficiency. Where to recognize that I wanted and because not given, hurt, sad. Invalid, because there is someone who could share these feelings and to support them in the experience.
In the first case, and in the second, the child has to learn to hide and rejected as unnecessary and dangerous kind of himself half. Or the one that wants independence, or one that needs care and support.
The time of the second
The rejection and "a light in the window"
This crazy fixity on children and life for them. First of all apologize to those for whom this is going to sound insulting, but the mind in these cases is usually even around the corner is not worth it, walks somewhere far, far away.
"Life for children" in options:
— permissive of hyperprotective or education for the type of "idol family", which is manifested in excessive patronage, in an effort to release the child from the slightest difficulty, from the boring and the unpleasant duties, which can be supplemented with an unceasing admiration of imaginary talents and exaggeration of actual ability, and/or (can be combined or alternate) is the dominant giperprodukciei — overprotection, petty control over every step, every minute, every thought grows into a system of permanent bans and constant vigilant observation of the teenager, sometimes reaching shameful for him surveillance (freestyle quote from the tov. Licko).
If you ask the intelligence to return from far, far away and look at the situation with it very quickly becomes clear: in order to begin to live for someone, you first have to admit that this someone is himself capable of nothing and is useless. That is, first, to reject all that he has now and will gradually grow and develop in the future and then start a long-term attraction on the damage good, minor use and issuance of tickets to happiness. With a particular punishment for deviation from the specified path.
The third
"I — IT's how I live with IT?"
Well, first, know that I have IT. THIS is not good nor bad, it is a feature of personality structure, which was formed not for the sake of ugliness, but only survival for. And because of this feature, I can hallucinate and not always true to understand the actions of others. And take into the account the fact that to me absolutely not true. And, therefore, it makes sense to check it, really and seriously, the person now me ... sent, rejected or I was seeing things and it was something else?
If the traumatic affect is overpowered, and the reaction happened — it makes sense once the feelings subside, to apologise. That man got what originally was intended not to him. This, incidentally, is a good test of this man is interested in you or only in your correct behavior. If important you you then will not be to punish, to criticize and try to fix up a convenient configuration.
And, by the way...
Position style: "If I feel rejected — so you rejected me", "I Have feelings, and you should take care of them" is exactly the same trying to fix it to the necessary configuration of the other. To raise their injury on the flag and hitting the shaft of this flag, anyone who refuses to take the oath the banner... option, of course... but only for those who are more important to be right than happy. Injury, still, it is better to refer to the address to a specially trained person.
You know, you know, that narcissistic travmatik in his ears after eating rejection from the most important, it is very difficult to endure a situation where important and meaningful not give them an instant positive response. Even more difficult — a situation when such a response is not given by either instantly or never. This also happens not anyone you want, we can be important and necessary. And not everyone who wants to, can be important and necessary to us. Someone rejects us, someone we reject... life is imperfect. When we reject — this might hurt us when we reject — this might hurt those whom we have rejected. But the world is neither our nor the it — does not consist only of the two of us, and having experienced the pain of rejection, you can go further.
Understand that there are times when really — well, just desperately — need significant this is a positive response. Right here, right now. Because. And in this case it is logical openly to say that it's important to me. Here right now and it is so. That is, to support yourself to get support.published
Author Sablukova Anna
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.b17.ru/blog/17800/
Rejection — "I don't want coffee from you." I mean, it's not that I don't want or don't like coffee. But the fact that it is offered you. Me unpleasant and unwelcome you. And not coffee.
"I'm not buying you that toy" is a failure.
"What the hell are you asking" is rejected.
What is the fundamental difference of the failure, from rejection? That refusal is no scoring component.
I'm just not going to do that. Because you don't want. Or you can't. For whatever reasons of their own, which personally with you nothing to do. This is not a request or suggestion is bad and you're not bad because they asked. I refuse to comply with the request or accept the offer. And I recognize your right to feel about my failure all the emotions — frustration, resentment, anger, sadness.
In case of refusal nothing in my relationship with you does not change. There's you, there's me. I see you, your feelings, understand that they are a response to my refusal, I admit that my decision was the cause of your unpleasant experiences, these experiences can recognize and sympathize.
You in this moment for me don't disappear. I'm not trying to absorb, commanding "you don't have to think, to feel and to respond, and needs — so!" (message " you have no right to something, you as the individual do not should be)
I, too, will not disappear. Do not show your reaction to failure is destroying me — "How could you?", "What are you doing?", "Oh, you're so — I have never and nothing!" (the message — if you dare to have something private, you'll lose me, my love and care).
Adult, especially if he is not injured in childhood rejection, to do with this situation is much simpler: in this place I do not recognize and do not support — find another, one where my personality will react differently. The child nowhere to go, anyone born with those and live at least until adulthood. And he is hamstrung by the choice:
— to be "eaten" by adults to abandon all their own, including feelings and thoughts, and to go into the "authorized operation". When I don't choose what to do, think or feel, how to react to something and waiting for someone to come and say, can I do that-to think-to feel-to respond or not.
— Either choose freedom and the lack of support, trying to autocomservice and learn from everything in life to cope as early as possible. Usually much sooner than formed a real willingness and ability to deal with it. According to the principle "do not hurt something and wanted. It gives some illusion of his strength and self-sufficiency. Where to recognize that I wanted and because not given, hurt, sad. Invalid, because there is someone who could share these feelings and to support them in the experience.
In the first case, and in the second, the child has to learn to hide and rejected as unnecessary and dangerous kind of himself half. Or the one that wants independence, or one that needs care and support.
The time of the second
The rejection and "a light in the window"
This crazy fixity on children and life for them. First of all apologize to those for whom this is going to sound insulting, but the mind in these cases is usually even around the corner is not worth it, walks somewhere far, far away.
"Life for children" in options:
— permissive of hyperprotective or education for the type of "idol family", which is manifested in excessive patronage, in an effort to release the child from the slightest difficulty, from the boring and the unpleasant duties, which can be supplemented with an unceasing admiration of imaginary talents and exaggeration of actual ability, and/or (can be combined or alternate) is the dominant giperprodukciei — overprotection, petty control over every step, every minute, every thought grows into a system of permanent bans and constant vigilant observation of the teenager, sometimes reaching shameful for him surveillance (freestyle quote from the tov. Licko).
If you ask the intelligence to return from far, far away and look at the situation with it very quickly becomes clear: in order to begin to live for someone, you first have to admit that this someone is himself capable of nothing and is useless. That is, first, to reject all that he has now and will gradually grow and develop in the future and then start a long-term attraction on the damage good, minor use and issuance of tickets to happiness. With a particular punishment for deviation from the specified path.
The third
"I — IT's how I live with IT?"
Well, first, know that I have IT. THIS is not good nor bad, it is a feature of personality structure, which was formed not for the sake of ugliness, but only survival for. And because of this feature, I can hallucinate and not always true to understand the actions of others. And take into the account the fact that to me absolutely not true. And, therefore, it makes sense to check it, really and seriously, the person now me ... sent, rejected or I was seeing things and it was something else?
If the traumatic affect is overpowered, and the reaction happened — it makes sense once the feelings subside, to apologise. That man got what originally was intended not to him. This, incidentally, is a good test of this man is interested in you or only in your correct behavior. If important you you then will not be to punish, to criticize and try to fix up a convenient configuration.
And, by the way...
Position style: "If I feel rejected — so you rejected me", "I Have feelings, and you should take care of them" is exactly the same trying to fix it to the necessary configuration of the other. To raise their injury on the flag and hitting the shaft of this flag, anyone who refuses to take the oath the banner... option, of course... but only for those who are more important to be right than happy. Injury, still, it is better to refer to the address to a specially trained person.
You know, you know, that narcissistic travmatik in his ears after eating rejection from the most important, it is very difficult to endure a situation where important and meaningful not give them an instant positive response. Even more difficult — a situation when such a response is not given by either instantly or never. This also happens not anyone you want, we can be important and necessary. And not everyone who wants to, can be important and necessary to us. Someone rejects us, someone we reject... life is imperfect. When we reject — this might hurt us when we reject — this might hurt those whom we have rejected. But the world is neither our nor the it — does not consist only of the two of us, and having experienced the pain of rejection, you can go further.
Understand that there are times when really — well, just desperately — need significant this is a positive response. Right here, right now. Because. And in this case it is logical openly to say that it's important to me. Here right now and it is so. That is, to support yourself to get support.published
Author Sablukova Anna
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.b17.ru/blog/17800/
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See also
THE DARK SIDE OF OR FEMININITY what ADOPTED SILENT
Three female energy or what made silent
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Communication should be on equal footing
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The joy and idiocy of human communication: what is the meaning of your relationship with difficult people
Magic confidence: 3 IMPORTANT rules of communication with child
Chronicles of sabotage units
