Rigor in education — is also love

We talk a lot about what children feel like they need to love, understand, feel. But this is only one side of motherhood, bright and pleasant. But there is another, without which all light can be irreparably damaged and lost.

After all, we are responsible for their children responsibility. Up to a certain age we take decisions for them – whether they like it or not. We feed them, maintain, create conditions for them. And it's not easy, especially with teenagers.

Rigor, which we'll talk about is not the rod and not the belt. And this strictness is aimed not only at children but also for adults themselves. Maybe that's why we often neglect this side because we are too lazy to get better? Or because it's not as nice and as happy as everything else?





What kind of rigor and our children, and we need? Let's try something we can do to organize.

Creating the hierarchy in the family

Very often children in our families become the center of everything. They determine the rhythm of our life, we largely adjusted for them. For example, if the son shouted very loudly, we are ready to feed him first, even though nobody else sat down at the table. We are ready for them to break any rules, they are often allowed to ride in our head and we pretend everything is fine. More precisely, we have something that's not very much, but what to do.

John gray's book "Children are from heaven" described a very good commandment which says:

"You can disagree, but mom and dad – main".

What does it mean? Not always in life must happen as the child wants. There are situations where it desires to threat it the same, impossible to implement right now, or violate the rights of other family members. And the decision to take older dad and mom.

For example, the child likes to watch TV at night when everyone wants to sleep. Or he wants to cut dad's clothes to produce their collection. Maybe he wants around the house to make the snow, spilling the flour. Or he doesn't want to go where you have already gathered all the rest. Yes, even he just wants to buy now, the tractor, and in my mom's purse not so much money. But the ability to be patient, to negotiate, to live and to accept failures and your negative emotions are useful skills for any person.

Therefore, we recognize that a child may be displeased, he might not like it, but the main at home – father and mother. They make decisions based on their ideas about what is best for everyone. The child can experience a whole range of feelings, but it doesn't change anything. Here is the hierarchy of the family in a practical sense.

In the Vedic culture respect for elders – it was first and foremost taught children from the cradle. Respect for father, respect for the mother. On this Foundation built all the rest. Without this it is impossible to go further.

If the child becomes the navel of the earth, and most important, he has nothing and no one to lean on – and how then to live?

But I want to clarify that this mother and father should behave so that the child's respect for him was natural. For example, a mother never scolded his father, especially in front of the kids, and she listened to him and obeyed. Thereby giving them an example of how to behave with the father. With grandparents in the same way the relationship was respectful, respectful, not allowed criticism, discussion, quarrel, especially with the kids. And this applies to parents of both sides, whatever they were. After all, how we treat our parents now will affect how children will treat us.

So again and again I will say that even the hierarchy in the family needs to be restored not with the children, forcing them to listen and obey their elders, and with yourself – and your relationship to the elder. In the first place – to her husband and parents. Honestly answer yourself how you feel about them, how much respect for elders, how much are you willing to listen to them and respect their opinion. And from here already to begin to change the current situation.

Yes, parents are different, and not always we, adults, can easily communicate with them, not always their advice is acceptable to us, they are not always tactfully and sensitively communicate with us, they do not always behave as senior. It doesn't matter. But to learn them to respect and be grateful to them is worthwhile in any case. And Yes, not to judge and not to criticize too, even if you really want.

Personal boundaries parents

There are many details and options, all depends what for you the most important and significant. It is foolish to demand such respect from children under the age of three. But a five year old can already clearly explain what my mom's things can not touch that if mom sleeps in the morning, you can quietly go to the kitchen and eat, what if mother talks with someone, it is not necessary to interrupt her. And so on.

The other morning, after a sleepless night, I heard five-year-old Matthew explains the two-year onions that Mama is tired and Mama is still asleep, so you need to quietly eat an Apple and play with toys. At this point my heart melted in love and gratitude to him.

But there is another side.

If you demand respect for your personal space, you should learn and respect the space of children, their things, and not only.

For example, with children older than seven years is not bad to learn to knock before you enter their room. This is a manifestation of respect. Not to climb on their bags and not to throw away their belongings without their consent, even if the child is only three or five. To respect their interests and their creativity, and personal space.

The children can introduce a rule "I want to be alone". To whoever voiced this simple phrase was able to get what you want without insults and accusations from the other side. And if we are more attentive to children and their space, they will be easier to explain what we expect from them something like that.

Establishing rules that apply to all

Some rules are a set, so only these rules are usually movable, to adapt to the circumstances. For example, children are not allowed to insult or beat the parents, and their parents. Swear children is prohibited, and the Pope allowed. The children at the table should be silent, and parents – vengeance communicate. Double standards are born in the children's mind misunderstanding – and why they can and I can't? What rules are those?

In addition, the rules often change along the way. Today mom is in a good mood and unmade room – this is normal. But tomorrow, mom is not in the spirit, and it is possible to obtain a belt. If the mood of the Pope is good, then three will be nothing, and if he's not with that leg up – the storm breaks. Although neither room is a mess, no three – no different from what it was yesterday.

Such rules are ignored and children – what's the point observe that in this house no one observes?

That is, in this case, the severity to a greater extent your parents need for themselves to be consistent in their words and deeds.

Rigor to their own actions and thoughts

And another is to be stricter to their own weaknesses, because children will copy and accept as the norm. If you want your children to be honest, it is worth and learn it. If you don't want them addicted to cigarettes, it's time to think about how to say goodbye to this habit. If you don't like your speech, take care of its purity now. And so on.

Children copy and your attitude to life and to other people, or themselves. And in the last paragraph they take into consideration how you treat them and how you treat yourself. Those mothers who consider themselves ugly and "not very much" girls these thoughts take over – but address them to her already.

When talking about education, we often think that a strap from the child all the excess embossing, and all the need – to drive. But really need to educate themselves. As said by Leo Tolstoy:

"Do not educate children, they will still like you. Educate yourself"

Therefore, a greater degree of rigor, consistency is necessary for parents themselves to become such people, they would like to see their children.

Moral standards that are unquestioned

I remember the story of one father whose 17-year-old daughter started Dating a guy in the closest sense of the word. The guy was already 19, and he was in no hurry. The father on hearing this, immediately came to his parents and delivered an ultimatum:

"In our family, so it is not accepted. If he is already sleeping with my daughter – let him marry her"

The boy's parents were against it, saying that now everything is live, but the father was adamant:

"Everybody but us. Or he goes with her to the registry office, or go to jail for sexual abuse of minors".

Tough? Yes. But nonetheless, 10 years later, this girl is not only married to the same guy, they have three children, they are very happy and grateful to her father for the strict limits which he then set.

No less impressed me an example of another father, caught in the reverse situation. He learned that his son, who just turned 18, I slept with my classmate. What would a normal father? Would put him in the cupboard a pack of condoms? Congratulated the son with "adulthood"? Quietly exchanged with him the experience?

And this Man took him by the hand, took him to the family of this girl there with her parents, decided his fate. Because it's a liability. Said "A" — say "B". Before, they say, to think it was necessary. Young couple married. And also, oddly enough, the marriage was strong. Because the young are not given to feel that in this world all I want is to sleep around, not to bear for it responsibility. Children did not "deteriorate" the pleasures of this free world and society. Parental strictness yielded wonderful results – a strong family, grandchildren and the maintenance foundations. And Yes, it is important that both these families are Orthodox, committed to God and his commandments. Without it, most likely, and they would have thrown the brakes on, thinking that children just grew.

We are often afraid to be strict in these places, considering that in the modern world – it looks old-fashioned.

So parents poured the first glass of wine at home – even supposedly in front of us tries to leave the keys to the apartment for intimate meetings – like, it's better than the basements and hallways, give a package of condoms, to no ill, a pack of good cigarettes, not to smoke any muck. And so on. Thereby implying to the child that such a life is normal. Take everything from life, do what you want.

But if from childhood we are going to give children high standards, and it will not let them in minutes "adolescent mental weakness" to do than the dash, it won't be in vain. Though not immediately find an echo in their hearts. I know girls whose dad was forbidden to go to discos and wear mini skirts. In fifteen years they terribly indignant, worried and tried to fight. Twenty-five – they are extremely grateful strict and old-fashioned fathers, having a strong family and a pure heart.

Tell me honestly, would you close such a father in his youth? To those who just wanted to use you someone to protect? So despite temporary clouding your mind (and teenagers because of the mind and energy and access to everything extra is enough), someone close could lead you to sense and direct to the right path, and not be silent on the sidelines, pretending everything is fine? To the guy who persuaded you to close your father delivered an ultimatum in a fairly rigid form – and thus would have saved your heart from so many scars?

Now parents are afraid to take on such a role, although this is so important. Afraid of losing their children, contact with them. In vain. In my opinion, is the role of parents, it is their duty – to preserve the purity of their children at that age when hormones are clouding his mind. Not bending the stick, explaining and sharing your experiences. But Yes to afford such things, you need to build deep relationships with children.

To punish?

It's a moot point. Many say that we thrashed, and we turned out okay. Someone categorically opposed to punishment in any form. These are two extremes and the truth is in the middle.

Punishment is different and the physical has the weakest impact. It humbles and depresses, and in addition to the resentment the child has rarely left.

Psychological acts more, though, and requires the parent more flexibility and rigor. Although this, too, I suggest you to get involved.

When a child does something wrong, maybe you should just talk to him and clear examples to explain where it leads. I'm with the older boys usually use their beloved heroes and hated villains. They say that heroes do, so behave please. And this is – only villains. The villain to be very few people like. Sometimes this is enough.

With little in his tantrums, just go to another room. That is not his lock somewhere, and she are locked in for a few minutes (not longer), for example, in the toilet. Breathe, count to ten, calm down. And when I go out – he's just happy to see me.

In extreme cases, when the temperature in the hospital through the roof, I can use the most terrible weapon. To sit down and cry. For all our children – regardless of age – it works shocking. Each of them tries to understand what happened, why mom is crying and what to do to prevent this again. But Yes – it is a serious tool for very serious situations. For example, when one of the sons tries to hit me (mostly the youngest). Or when they are very much fighting with each other and desperately fighting. Thus I show them that I am very hurt to see this. And it works better than if I start screaming and breed them.

With a senior sometimes you have to use another form of "punishment" — to stop for a while to communicate with him. This is not a one-week boycott is a maximum of half an hour (usually less), when all his requests and appeals, I say only: "You really hurt me. I don't want to communicate with you". It works very much. So I use such things only in extreme cases.

And very valuable for me, when after a day or two, Matthew (as is currently the talker) comes to me and says:

"Mother, forgive me for what I yesterday you were screaming and throwing toys. I've been very bad".

Myself, I don't force it, don't recall. He goes, digests, and produces after some time. In response, I, of course, his embrace, we discuss how such a situation can be solved differently. But most importantly, without serious punishment the child receives feedback and is building in the head of the chain "good-bad".

All other ways – "the priest", a scream, a deprivation of something, an angle, and so on in our family do not bring fruit. Only worsen the whole situation. I won't lie, a lot of it we had had – on the machine or consciously. But the effect we don't like. Although sometimes "hard conversation with dad" works quickly and efficiently. But it was with dad.

That is, even punishment is first and foremost an inside job of the parents to avoid falling in automatic mode to the belt and cry, and to find the inner resources to do otherwise. It is always harder, longer, but more efficient.

Noticed all of these kinds of rigor mostly aimed not at children, and parents? The education of themselves, strengthening their inner core, revealing their best qualities? That's the kind of rigor we need, because the belt waving and yelling as victims we know how, just ain't working for anyone.

To love children is not only to Lisp with them and support their endeavors. It is also to have an inner strength in order to prohibit, restrict and show it by example.

Love cannot be sentimental and blind. Just because of this father's "love" was a war 5000 years ago, described in the Mahabharata. And even there things could be different if the father realized how important it is to be able not only to indulge the whims of the child, but also to stand up to him, and also builds internal strength and integrity.

And we have a choice. We can stick to the old methods of education – not to indulge, but to flog that grew up obedient and normal. Can only use new – to care, to take, to indulge in all things, never showing rigor, not to cause them injury. And can understand that love without rigor does not happen, then it's just affection. Because love elevates, awakens in man the best sometimes hurts, but the pain that heals and brings a new level of development.

Austerity – the opposite of motherly love, without which it cannot be complete and educational. That's only necessary to remember that a greater degree of rigor needed in relation to itself, its habits, behavior. And the relationship with the child is just a reflection of our relationship with the world.

And to finish I would like one of my favorite quotes from the Bible. That for everything in this life has its time and place. Including to the fullest extent. Life is multifaceted, and that she is beautiful.

All the time, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what was planted; a time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build up; a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace. (Old Testament, Book of Ecclesiastes) published

 

Author: Olga Valyaeva, Chapter from the book "destiny to be a mother"

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Source: www.valyaeva.ru/strogost-v-vospitanii-eto-lyubov/