The door opened and in came a well dressed woman in her fifties, after her came a young man of 25. She sat down in front of me, he remained standing near the door. Her first sentence was, "Do something with him, he has 2 degrees, so I have it good, but live he doesn't want".
The guy in this case did not respond and continued to look out the window. In his eyes there was no desire to help and in General to engage in dialogue. So my question was addressed to the woman: "Can be of help do you need? Maybe it is you don't know how to behave with my son?" To which I received the expected answer: "You what? He has the same problem. I am a life dedicated to him, and he is ungrateful, does not want to live".
This is a real case from my practice. Mother cared for son 25 years, did everything for him and FOR HIM. And it's hard for her to understand that she was deprived of the son's independent life. She took the son the desire to desire and choose. Even the desire to go to a psychologist he took and the choice between life and death it is he is trying to control.
In old age the guardianship of son, a mother begins finally to weigh, and she cites son on reception to the psychologist and says, "Do something." But she would never admit that because of my selfishness it is physically healthy son became a virtual cripple, helpless and incapable of actions and independent life.
The theme of relationships between parents and adolescent children.
Children who have one foot swung into adulthood, but to put firmly the leg still could not. Children who years 13, 14,15. And older and older... Children for 25 years, kids at 30, and even forty. If they ever put a foot into adulthood?
Mom worried about 16-17 year olds forehead that he sits in the computer, didn't have Breakfast until 12 o'clock, did not choose the institution in which will come in 4 months. And she had so much trouble about it – to prepare Breakfast, to wash, to bring, to choose his future place of study, and he sits in the computer and the nose rises.
And the poor anxious mother calls it: "He makes a choice
". Or in other words, more "gently": "He can't make a choice — he's just a kid
". And begins to fuss, to choose a UNIVERSITY to negotiate with friends, to borrow money, to pull at his ears. And he? He — he did. He, like the amoeba, is dragged over to mom on the receiving commissions by looking into the phone YouTube and VK, mom decides everything himself the responsibility for anything not necessary to take.
Goes without motivation to class. After school, can not find the robot. A mom-and-ready answer: "the Time is now – work on a specialty not found". And then there is mom's idea of a fix: "And not to enter in the University to another specialty?" Mom selects relevant, popular and is again looking for money, working for the benefit of son and ...
And a few years comes with her son to a psychologist with the words: "Do something." And coming had 15 years ago. It so happened that the upbringing in modern family do in most cases mom. Therefore, this material is addressed to the mothers of adolescent sons (for dad it will also be useful, and I do not exclude dads from parenting process, just dad other white spots in education, about which I will not mention). Our children grow and change, and with them need changing, and us, the parents.
Everything that concerns children very rapidly, and this has its pros and cons. And one of them is that they change very quickly, and sometimes we have to change with them.
"In families with teenagers, problems of controllability can be associated with the inability of parents to move from the stage of caring for the baby stage more respect for the teenager. In this situation the previous program, well served in a time when the children were young, preventing the development of new forms of the family. Children may have already mastered the new level of development, while PARENTS AT THIS STAGE of its DEVELOPMENT has NOT DEVELOPED NEW ALTERNATIVES." — tells us family therapist Sergei Minukhin.
That is, the parent ITSELF may be the weak link in a dense and interconnected chain of family life. And as we remember, in his eye and not notice the log.
The dynamics of family life cycle allocates a separate paragraph to the period when the child is going through puberty. This is perhaps the most difficult period for the parents and for the child and for the family as a whole. At this time the inner psychological separation of the child from the family, there is the independence of its self-assessment from the evaluation of parents, all exacerbated by implicit and explicit conflicts between family members.
The objectives of this stage of family development: establishing family balance between freedom and responsibility; creating the couple of the range of interests not related to parental responsibility, and problem-solving career. Again, it must be clearly understood that the forms and styles of behavior that we use with small children, are inadmissible for teenagers and older. What needs to change in their behaviour the mother of a son who celebrated his 13th birthday and received the gift of a razor.
7 mandatory action mom Mature son 1. To change the strategy of their own behavior.
As you know, we must begin with ourselves. You are the mom who gave birth and raised her child until 13, 14, 15 years. Now this child need help to become an adult. It is your job to allow the son to take independent decisions. And your duty is to learn to make his own decisions and stand their inconsistency with your plans. 2. To transform maternal care.
For this you need to change a normal form of communication. Care in a familiar format for you — you know what they need and care about him and his needs in advance — now would be harmful. To ask my son questions: what do you think? What do you want? Why did you choose it? What are your plans for the next year, two, five? Such questions have become the norm of communication between parents and child is of kindergarten age. But — better late than never.
Ask questions, ask what she wants and likes him. Consider his wishes and aspirations in all. It is also a concern, but giving the opportunity for the development of the autonomy of the child. Doesn't want to eat Breakfast – don't. Let her go hungry. Believe me, when you cease to persuade, he would come running into the kitchen ahead of you. 3. To determine the boundaries of material support.
Naturally, parents are required to provide their children with clothes, food, toys, etc. But few people think — until what age. You must indicate that every year after 18 years of financial support for their parents will decrease. The son should know that they do not get to sit on the neck of the parents constantly.
With the age of 13-14, you can provide him the opportunity to earn a little pocket money. For example, a high school student can be a tutor of elementary school students, you can make handmade cards and sell them at exhibitions, you can help neighbors out to walk the dog for a nominal fee, to look after the younger nephew, etc.
To the limit of material support doesn't look like a bolt from the blue at the age of 18-20, you must talk about it with 13-14 years. But if you whole life was going to feed and clothe, to buy phones and computers, why should he make an effort to learn, then don't be surprised his passivity and reluctance for self-development. 4. To raise financial literacy of the son.
The man is the breadwinner. Every woman wants next to him to see reliable and able to earn money man. Your son will soon grow. What kind of man he will become? From his ability to earn in some degree and your future depends a great old age. At the moment there are a lot of psychological games, which include a game called "Cash Flow" on the development of financial literacy.
My recommendation – give the child the opportunity to play this game. School knowledge in this format does not, and the modern world is bound hand and foot with the ability to control and increase their finances. For men it is very important to be able to earn, to manage their incomes and be able to multiply them. The main thing in this game is that eventually produced a strategy for handling finances, which can be later transferred into real life. The game by leading, which shows the strengths and weaknesses of the tactics of playing members. In "Cash Flow" can be played by families, there are adults and children's games. 5. My fear of his idleness.
Parents should understand that "Even doing nothing, we do something." And always, even for idleness will follow the result. And the man is definitely responsible for this result after idleness. If your child doesn't care about his future is his choice and his future. Not having learned the lessons today, it will be appreciated tomorrow. Not enrolling this year at UNIVERSITY, he would go to work, attend vocational school and will reap the rewards of their laziness in the workplace.
Life will not end if he is too lazy and does not do the lessons, but the result will not keep itself waiting. His quality of life will depend on him. Give him the opportunity now to stumble, to make mistakes and to rise. Support him after he gets on HIS rake. Let him know that a rolling stone gathers no moss, all passed the exam, and he remained out of work. May he live a bitter experience, and select the case that will bring him joy. Everyone has the right to be wrong, and depriving the son, deprived of his life experience. Don't be afraid for him. Having overcome HIS fear. And the youth – she is fearless. Get up, shake, and climb to conquer their tops on. 6. To define your personal boundaries.
You're just a mom. Loving and caring, but just a mom. You will not be able to live a life for him, you will not be able to lay straw, so he could gently fell. You are not immortal and all-powerful. Teach your son to make adult decisions and take responsibility for them, you will remain with him in memory all his life, and he will be grateful for this skill.
Making decisions for him, you tied the child to her the rope of dependence, which will eventually burden you. Decide — where is the end of your life and your desires, and start the desires of your son. It is at this point in adolescence is played out most family dramas. When a mother has no boundaries and feels no personal boundaries of the child about any determination of the question. 7. The Golden word – Grandma.
Remember your child grows. He becomes an adult and open to the world and people. In time you will become for him a secondary figure. Now the opinion of peers will be stronger for it. The period of graduation, University admission, family. All this will take time. You can finally devote yourself and in fact it is not so much, use it. Because soon you will be a grandmother, and your love and concern will again be in demand!
Summing up, I want to emphasize that the Central task of adolescence – self-DETERMINATION of the child
. The main feature of this age is the need of the teenager to take the position of an adult, to realize himself as a member of society, to define ourselves in the world (to understand themselves and their capabilities, their place and purpose in life).
Parents have every opportunity to create relevant conditions. You only need a little bit to try and make the effort. Let our children grow free in their desires and in their choice, at the time we ourselves needed that so badly, remember? published
Author: Svetlana Ripka
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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