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Unpopular about motivation. Why the child does not learn?
After the 10th request in a week from parents: "I Want a psychologist worked with the child-student. Absolutely no motivation to learn," I promised myself something practical on the subject to write. There will be a lot.
Bad news. The psychologist, unfortunately, will not be able to wave a magic wand psychological or motivational magic belt and make the child a "school boy". The psychologist will not be able to convince the child that uninteresting — interesting, scary — scary, the thing that hurts is painless.
Good news. It can closely and not to look at the entire family and to ask awkward and stupid questions and help to understand why motivation is not formed or where. Both the questions and the answers may surprise, resistance, anger, distrust and awareness — not the child — the parents. And this realization — if there is — in itself terapeutiche.
The psychologist, for example, can a deliberate provocation to ask — and your child sees that you are studying? How you will long to do what you think is meaningless, without getting internal rewards, not seeing actionable results? Being under the gun ratings, no free time. You yourself with high motivation do boring and routine work? You yourself easy all the time to justify someone else's expectations? Are you happy?
Parents object to — but there is the word "Need".
Bad news. With this generation the word is not working. Modern children often ask the question: "Why?" And they focused on what makes sense to me. If we can't "show" they are looking for something for themselves "meaningful" and more often associated with pleasure (Yes, this is often, unfortunately, the game).
The words "must", "should", "will" talking about the development of parts of the brain responsible for impulse control. Modern children this part of the brain is "turned on" later. In adolescence, sometimes falls out of activity.
The good news: these same parts of the brain together with these same words aktiviziruyutsya when we have the schedule of the day, the day when there is planning, when the child has a permanent small significant liability when there is "ritual" actions — rituals of the family, when the family encouraged questions and search for answers when the whole family every day learns something new, when there is need physical activity. And yet, when the values of the parents coincide with their actions in the world. When there is no "double messages."
Let's explore. Let's consider the Parallels. The child goes to school with the motivation. An adult goes to work with motivation.
1. Game:
If all types of motivation are present simultaneously in our lives and are satisfied — this is happiness-happiness — happiness. The most Mature of the motivations, of course, educational. Before learning motivation often you just need to Mature (this is one reason not to send their children to school up to 7 years).
We take the version that any healthy body, which feels safety should be the pursuit of development, should be a natural motivation: to develop — to grow — to live. If this motivation is lost or reduced, "the Body" — our Child may:
1. Unsafe.
2. Tired.
Look at a pale, stoop-shouldered, with black eyes children. If you believe in vitamins — let. If possible, let them sleep off and walk.
3. Organic causes — dyslexia, ADHD, varieties of MMD. — all this is considered to be "diagnoses."
It is important that parents understand what is the peculiarity of the behavior and perception of the child and sought ways of correction. These children so much that it may already be considered a normal variant (for example, watch the movie "Taare Zameen par").
4. The child resists:
In adolescence, the period of devaluation that may temporarily devalue what was important.
Resists parents:
5. Internal reasons:
However it is obvious that the master's words: talk to him, lean on him, cry out to justice — useless?
Request parent to psychologist reinforce his motivation is incorrect and too useless. To speak and to transform, usually have something in the whole family system. Moreover, regardless of success in school.
When parents speak from the heart, out of love and concern — I'm worried about what it will be — I speak: "Children will not — they already Have". Unfortunately, they often feel accepted and loved, and significant when the success of the show. They overwhelmed our expectations that often do not know what they want...
Also interesting: the TRUTH — to tell her child or to hide?
My adolescent son: how did we do without teenage riot
Finally, I will share a client story (with permission of client). Parents motivational speakers. Are motivational seminars, sharpened on growing successful people. Their son, 13-year-old boyfriend (the feeling was that he was older than me), said, "In my family talk only about success, about fame, about leadership. My parents have said many times that they want me to be proud of. And all the years I have been trying so hard to be proud of me. Until 7th grade I was an excellent student. Then suddenly in the night thinking, what would happen if they were not something to be proud of. They stopped loving me? Kicked out of the house? I can't live, all the time justifying someone else's expectations- parents, teachers, and strangers whom my parents about me at my seminars to tell. It turns out that I have no freedom. I want to understand what I want...."
School is only a part of life. And our children will not. They already have. published
Author: Svetlana Roiz
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.facebook.com/svetlanaroyz/posts/1236919639674972
Bad news. The psychologist, unfortunately, will not be able to wave a magic wand psychological or motivational magic belt and make the child a "school boy". The psychologist will not be able to convince the child that uninteresting — interesting, scary — scary, the thing that hurts is painless.
Good news. It can closely and not to look at the entire family and to ask awkward and stupid questions and help to understand why motivation is not formed or where. Both the questions and the answers may surprise, resistance, anger, distrust and awareness — not the child — the parents. And this realization — if there is — in itself terapeutiche.
The psychologist, for example, can a deliberate provocation to ask — and your child sees that you are studying? How you will long to do what you think is meaningless, without getting internal rewards, not seeing actionable results? Being under the gun ratings, no free time. You yourself with high motivation do boring and routine work? You yourself easy all the time to justify someone else's expectations? Are you happy?
Parents object to — but there is the word "Need".
Bad news. With this generation the word is not working. Modern children often ask the question: "Why?" And they focused on what makes sense to me. If we can't "show" they are looking for something for themselves "meaningful" and more often associated with pleasure (Yes, this is often, unfortunately, the game).
The words "must", "should", "will" talking about the development of parts of the brain responsible for impulse control. Modern children this part of the brain is "turned on" later. In adolescence, sometimes falls out of activity.
The good news: these same parts of the brain together with these same words aktiviziruyutsya when we have the schedule of the day, the day when there is planning, when the child has a permanent small significant liability when there is "ritual" actions — rituals of the family, when the family encouraged questions and search for answers when the whole family every day learns something new, when there is need physical activity. And yet, when the values of the parents coincide with their actions in the world. When there is no "double messages."
Let's explore. Let's consider the Parallels. The child goes to school with the motivation. An adult goes to work with motivation.
1. Game:
- The child is in school, he brings toys, he plays by their rules. At any moment to say — "stop, play" and get out of the educational process.
- The adult "plays" to the work, is not subject to the schedule, the deadlines, trying to do only what you are interested in avoiding responsibility.
- The child goes to school to make friends. Often at the expense of learning. If the relationship is not working, can refuse to learn.
- An adult goes to work for the satisfaction with contacts, sometimes sitting during working hours in social networks.
- The child goes to school "12-got nines", if you can't be successful — motivation is reduced.
- An adult goes to work, the status, the praise leader, salary.
- The child goes to school to learn. Consciously. For knowledge.
- An adult is going to realize their potential.
If all types of motivation are present simultaneously in our lives and are satisfied — this is happiness-happiness — happiness. The most Mature of the motivations, of course, educational. Before learning motivation often you just need to Mature (this is one reason not to send their children to school up to 7 years).
We take the version that any healthy body, which feels safety should be the pursuit of development, should be a natural motivation: to develop — to grow — to live. If this motivation is lost or reduced, "the Body" — our Child may:
1. Unsafe.
- When a child is scared, he ceases to perceive new information. If a person is in chronic stress or traumatization, suffering his long-term memory. Many children with zinc deficiency (it affects the hippocampus part of the brain that stores important information) really hard to memorize verses and formulas.
- The child may be afraid of a particular teacher.
- The child has missed the basics, the previous material and is afraid to show failure.
- The child may be afraid of making a mistake - school sharpened on finding bugs and not on the underlining success. Our task is to teach the child that mistakes can. And our task is to notice the successes and efforts of the child.
- The child may be afraid of specific classmates, who are teasing him.
- The child may be afraid to go to the toilet at school. It is easier to sabotage the school than to admit it.
2. Tired.
Look at a pale, stoop-shouldered, with black eyes children. If you believe in vitamins — let. If possible, let them sleep off and walk.
3. Organic causes — dyslexia, ADHD, varieties of MMD. — all this is considered to be "diagnoses."
It is important that parents understand what is the peculiarity of the behavior and perception of the child and sought ways of correction. These children so much that it may already be considered a normal variant (for example, watch the movie "Taare Zameen par").
4. The child resists:
- the school system (with rigid rules and authoritarian),
- the authoritarian teacher who did not command respect,
- "revenge" school, because he has no free time, time for myself.
In adolescence, the period of devaluation that may temporarily devalue what was important.
Resists parents:
- if the parents are focused on "external" success,
- parental pressure, injustice, revenge for the wrongs and pain, for all the way
- resists parents self-esteem which depends on the success of the child
- parents, who themselves ceased to grow,
- resists parental perfectionism.
5. Internal reasons:
- disappointed that can be "successful",
- no faith in herself,
- found a way to attract attention failure,
- sees no point in what he does,
- the child is an introspective type, which is difficult to adapt to the group
- the consequences of trauma,
- in this way can show jealousy to the older-younger brother-sister.
However it is obvious that the master's words: talk to him, lean on him, cry out to justice — useless?
Request parent to psychologist reinforce his motivation is incorrect and too useless. To speak and to transform, usually have something in the whole family system. Moreover, regardless of success in school.
When parents speak from the heart, out of love and concern — I'm worried about what it will be — I speak: "Children will not — they already Have". Unfortunately, they often feel accepted and loved, and significant when the success of the show. They overwhelmed our expectations that often do not know what they want...
Also interesting: the TRUTH — to tell her child or to hide?
My adolescent son: how did we do without teenage riot
Finally, I will share a client story (with permission of client). Parents motivational speakers. Are motivational seminars, sharpened on growing successful people. Their son, 13-year-old boyfriend (the feeling was that he was older than me), said, "In my family talk only about success, about fame, about leadership. My parents have said many times that they want me to be proud of. And all the years I have been trying so hard to be proud of me. Until 7th grade I was an excellent student. Then suddenly in the night thinking, what would happen if they were not something to be proud of. They stopped loving me? Kicked out of the house? I can't live, all the time justifying someone else's expectations- parents, teachers, and strangers whom my parents about me at my seminars to tell. It turns out that I have no freedom. I want to understand what I want...."
School is only a part of life. And our children will not. They already have. published
Author: Svetlana Roiz
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©
Join us in Facebook , Vkontakte, Odnoklassniki
Source: www.facebook.com/svetlanaroyz/posts/1236919639674972
