Fatherhood is a test of maturity
On the role of mother in the life of a small child says a lot. And no wonder. This role is unquestionable, obvious and indisputable. The mother of a young child is truly multifunctional. She and a condition for its survival (feeding, care) and feeling (empathy and kontynuowana emotions), and development (decode his nonverbal signals and return them to him as a feedback). Against this background, the father leaves in the shade, its significance is not so obvious.
What is the main function of the father in the family with a small child? Before answering this question, let's see what happens in the family with the birth of the child and how the lives of its members.THE FAMILY HAD A CHILD
The appearance of the child, of course, the crisis in the life of every family. It is always a challenge, a test of its stability and the challenge for young parents.
Child by the fact of its appearance radically rebuilds the structure of the family, its values and rules.
With the birth of a child the husband ceases to be a major figure in the life of his wife. In the foreground a small child. Between mother and child is symbiotic dyadic relationship. The husband is not included in this dyad and goes into the background.
The child becomes a core value of the family, a kind of sun around which revolve all the planets in this system.
Early established family rules and roles also change significantly with the birth of a child. There are new roles – Mom and Dad, which are leading to the identity of the spouses.
The appearance of the child in the family is also the potential for the appearance of triangles. But it will become relevant later.WHAT HAPPENS TO THE MOTHER
Expecting the child, the mother is a pink picture of a happy future in which she and her husband holding a cheerful, all happy, smiling baby, which she accordingly fashion trends, it will not change the lifestyle of traveling with baby in a sling, attend cultural events, take care of themselves.
The reality is not such as fantasievolles, expectations not met. Together with the baby in Mama's life appear sleepless nights, constant anxiety for his health, lack of time for myself... When it comes to the understanding that all life is forever changed, and as before will never happen again, it becomes even scary.
The child requires full-time commitment. The mother in this period is forced to give up a lot. She refuses their Hobbies, food preferences, habits, carrying her before pleasure, but now are harmful to the baby. All his attention, time and energy she directs at the child. She is forced to abandon a number of its identities – professional, female.
A woman's life is unpredictable, she can't schedule a single day, nor a week, nor a month in advance. From this it is experiencing constant anxiety and lives in tension.
My husband always sticks with sex and women in General are not up to it, she's too tired with the baby and her most provocative sexual fantasy is to sleep at least four hours.
In fact, the mother is alone with child. Even being married. And she was forbidden to even worry about it. It's like she does not even have the right to such experiences. Because from all sides she hears social messages from other women that, say, all bore and raised, assistance had not, and there is nothing like the raised.
Mothers are also forbidden to experience negative emotions towards the child, feeling irritated, tired, angry, she automatically becomes a bad mother (according to society), and immersed in guilt.
Mother is in a difficult psychological situation. Not surprisingly, all it requires from her a lot of stress. She is often in trouble, sometimes even depressed. In this position, the mother is itself vulnerable and, as ever, in need of support.WHAT HAPPENS TO THE FATHER
If a baby and mother's life changed drastically and dramatically, at the same time the father's life remains largely the same – he still goes to work, meets friends, watches TV, and eats it, in the end, the usual food, not fresh buckwheat... Wife kind of jealous my husband – he has access to much of the old lifestyle, and her husband difficult to understand his wife, why is she everything was different, because he has something all the same.
What is really changing is the attitude of the wife to her husband. His place beside his wife is taken by another child. And the fact that he received earlier attention, care, time – now, alas, is not him.
The range of needs of the husband are unsatisfied. Among them, the need for attention, care, sexual need. It is difficult to endure. There are such feelings as resentment, anger, jealousy.
In such situations, the man often pulled away emotionally and physically, he is tempted to get what he was deprived, in a different place.
In my opinion, the main task of the father in this period of family life is to be a container for the intense feelings of the mother. Mother filled with anxiety for the child, she is in constant emotional stress and what can and should do in this situation, the father is to be sustainable, inclusive (psychologically and physically), maintain emotional stability of his wife, to take over some of her tension.
Really it means literally the following – you need to be waiting in the wings – bring-bring, go to the shop, hold the baby, change the diaper, change the wife for a couple of hours a night... additionally, and even, perhaps, the most important and necessary that can make father to be psychologically stable beside the anxious mother. To survive the tantrum, to support, to hug at the right moment, to calm and just be there... in silence, without proving his innocence and point of view, just be there calm and confident.Just be there...
He is the support of his mother. It remains to be hoped that his efforts will someday be rewarded.
Men here it may be objected, he says, it all very difficult. No one was removed from his previous functions – provide for the family, but still appears a number of new, unusual, "nemustech": to be my wife "in the wings" and be ready at any moment to replace the mother.
Yes, I agree. It turns out not everyone is capable of the father. But the situation is a baby difficult for the family. And here the necessary sacrifices-the contributions not only from mother but from the father.WHAT TO DO? THERAPEUTIC REFLECTIONS
Having a baby for men is a test of his psychological maturity. Fatherhood is not only as a test of the maturity of the man. To withstand this test, unfortunately, can not please everyone. What you need to know and understand the man, not to be a third wheel in your family?
- To realize that family life has changed radically and take these changes for granted;
- Don't be jealous the wife of child: the love of a woman to her husband and child are of different nature;
- Try to understand his wife. For this you need to mentally take her place, learn to look at the situation "through her eyes";
- To help the wife to cope with a baby, both physically and emotionally;
- To learn to be patient and wait, knowing that this is a temporary period in the life of the family, children tend to grow and become more independent;
And if you all get it, your efforts will be rewarded. You will successfully pass the "test of maturity", confirming that you have become a Man, Husband and Father. And will be rewarded with the respect and love of his wife and self-respect, and for your child in the future, the word "father" is not an empty sound.
See also: Gordon Neufeld: 7 moments that undermine parental authorityJulia simultaneously: Allow children to achieve all itself
If you understand that you are unable to follow these guidelines and it is difficult to withstand the stress family situation – do not rush to look for ways to relieve the tension on the side. This will not solve the current problem situation. The best solution here is to appeal for support from the therapist. published
Author: Gennadiy Ivanovich, Malachuk
P. S. And remember, only by changing their consumption — together we change the world! ©
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