The illusion of confidence

For some time I found that for me, one very popular expression has lost its meaning. This "confidence" (and its sister "faith in yourself"). Because it is very abstract, it is unclear what it means. "I need to become confident" or "I lack confidence" — what does that mean?

They say about certain behavior. But what is sure the person who behaves? When you start to concretize this abstraction, we find anything but not this "belief in yourself". You can be confident in your attractiveness to the opposite sex. Assured that you have the necessary skills required for success. The confidence of success, in the end.

In addition, this word "confidence", for me it sounds very unreliable. Compare: "I am confident that I have what it takes/resources to succeed" and "I know that I have all the necessary qualities/resources. "I'm confident in my attractiveness to men" and "I know that I can be attractive to men".

For me, "I know" sounds more confident than "I believe", ironically. Because faith in something is inherently not based on actual reality, and the conviction that something must be so and not otherwise ("faith" and "faithful" — same root word). And why should have to be this way? Confidence in this scenario is the confidence that I'm always right? Why?

Therefore, "confidence" is so easy to shake, and several unsuccessful attempts to do something it can do to pulverize. The actual reality is not matching the "correct" reality, and the discovery that often hits very hard.

I will say even more: an experience of uncertainty when starting any new business (new acquaintance) is a perfectly natural and normal, because the new – it is by definition unknown, and we have no ready-made templates for action.

Uncertainty is the basis of any development, because the process and the result is unpredictable; the confidence is based on the idea that nothing unexpected happens, I already passed more than once" and "I got you covered" (ie, all my actions are correct and lead to success.

In General, people I'm pretty insecure and anxious. I have a lot of doubts, hesitation, fear, then, when you have something new. Abstract "confidence" I personally prefer "readiness for risk", which implies the ability to be close to my uncertainty, sustain it and act as you want. And how to withstand her insecurities, not to give up what you want?

If there was someone we could give 100% guarantee of success, it places the oscillations would not exist. Because people are not afraid of novelty or risk as such, but of defeat, the probability of which increases with novelty. It is fear that defeats and destroys the willingness to take risks, and the availability of "accurate and verified ways to" give confidence that you will be able to avoid intolerable adverse experiences and to share pleasant.

Give guarantees – and I promise you that I will not be confident person (just convince me that these warranties really 100%, not 99). But if the failure is very heavy, if often accompanying shame, humiliation, guilt, sadness, despair, reach the threshold of the unbearable, poisoning the body and soul – then no mantra "I can do it!" will not save, and any attempt to calm himself after the defeat, such as "not really wanted" or "but I can do this!".

Why failure and destruction have become so terrible that people are willing to abandon them in favor of a more "confident" ways or waiting for the warranty to become "self-confident" (and the presence of these safeguards, I think, the only way to find it)?

I think this is because we often lack the ability to self-support. That is, in hard time not to turn away from their pain, and acknowledge it – and to be around.

Often the same people do one of two actions, each of which makes experience of toxic, that is unbearable:

A) are Trying to devalue or ignore the experience. "No, I'm not offended" "no, I'm not afraid," "stop, grieve, regroup", "I've got everything I need, I with fat rage"... . Ignoring reality, ignoring the knowledge about the real and actual condition turns out that the avoidance of this knowledge (I'm offended, I'm afraid I'm grieving, I'm disappointed, I'm confused as well...) it becomes habitual behavior.

B) To existing experience (grief, fear, shame...) add self-hatred to such. You have failed? It's because you have hands of assholes grow. Are you afraid of? A coward.

Remember, maybe from childhood experiences that you are most comforted when you were bad? And that on the contrary, intensified pain, "painting" it with additional shades of shame, humiliation, guilt?

I remember how when my one boy fell off his bike and hit his knee. Dad jumped first barked "where do you look?!" (action "B"), and then added this: "stop crying!". And I remember myself as a child and my daughters now comforting quite different: the recognition of their pain and resolve this pain to be. "You fell off the bike, hurt and offended, right? I know this is very frustrating...".

To us a child is very necessary to experience defeat or failure, when we don't turn away close people, and just are there and don't interrupt the accommodation and the realization of what happened. Do not turn away and plug. Then we learn not to turn away from yourself and do not reinforce a real feeling of something in this world is not as we would like, and even a sense of their own "wrongness".

The most touching moments in sports for me is not the celebration of winners and losers when come to his fans and not turn away from them, shouting, "losers!", and they clap, cheer and say, "Yes, very sorry, but you are ours anyway, and thanks for fighting!"... And they don't shout "you're the best!!!" that's not true, the best was now someone else. They say: "We are still with you"...

How often have many people lack this internal team of fans, who in moments of our most serious fall and humiliation will remain near and encounter a setback together...

Inner loneliness, when you yourself can't share the bitterness, and can only finish itself is the source of overwhelming uncertainty. Faith in yourself, if anything, is the knowledge/feeling that you can take to live any result of their actions – and not destroy itself in case of failure. Even in the case of a series of failures.

When I write these lines, I am absolutely not sure that this article will like it, will gather many responses, likes and so on. I have no technology "confident writing hits". And I don't know what will be the response.


It's interesting:

How to survive someone else's success

No One Owes Anything


But if I am willing to meet with any experience – that I will be able to put it in your blog or somewhere else. If the response – I do nice and a little happy. A little bit – because after all, this is not the first article...

If there is no response – I will definitely be sad, will be sorry that to me is important and interesting, others not responded. But I guess inside I already managed in this case to create a team of your own fans, your support the "internal object", and I'm not afraid. Today I'll take my chances...posted


Author: Ilya Latypov


P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©



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