"Boatswain, the sales woman ....."

< Cherkashin Nikolay Andreyevich.
Tales from the ship's life.



In the seventh month of military service (the Americans say - "combat patrol") in the Mediterranean tired all but dry wine in the ration volume of 50 milliliters. All the rest is not just tired, and ostobrydlo ad nauseam - and canned alcohol bread, and a hundred times sidered-zasmotrennye movies like "Athos" and "Secret Agent" and dull reports acousticians - "the coast was clear," and he horizon surrounded the periscope - empty and rovnehonko ... and especially bothered mat, on which not only expressed a particular displeasure, and already gave the order business, think on it, and even seen voiced their dreams.

Once on the service meeting in the mess XO desperate uses foul language, suddenly announced: - Comrades officers, blah ... You - the elite of society, as a mother, as a cobblers as drayman and other proletariat. From today categorically forbid swearing, nah ...! Known in profanity, blah, are - a) deprived of wine at the table, b) on the basis of socialist competition will be reduced to the ball and score) ... foul-mouthed, blah, will not be issued on the bridge smoking

. I understand that just grow out of this habit of fucking hard, so sekretchik print out and distribute to all commanders of combat units, and particularly irresponsible Gruppenfuhrer (commanders groups - N.Ch.) dictionary with words matozamenitelnymi. Memorize! For dinner this dictionary was compiled. Now in the compartments were heard such talk:

 - Where miner? - Asks the assistant commander and, finding his eyes, continued. - Alexander, sales woman, if your soldiers will leave for mooring ...

!  - Where do I take the new sea

?  - You old otskrebite, wash off, so that no female dog is not able to stick you with harassment

! Or this:

 - Coca me! - To be angry at the central office exec. - Where is this steelworker, unhappy ?! Mavrin, female dog, why pasta undercooked issued on tanks?

 - So this fellow cap-Nantes ...

 - What "it", the sales woman

? Ensign-cook looked at saving paper: -Dak, two burners were covered female genitals. That is burnt.

 - Where we have electricians foreman team? Where this sales woman looking? We do so without galley stay! Fur, your pee ... Blue cranks, just do not catch mice. Today once again walked a louse on the pubis in the seventh compartment insulation resistance.

Voluntarily or involuntarily imitating the XO, the watch officer on watch elicited navigator:

 - Navigator, sales woman, where our place

?  - That at this point. But the possible discrepancy.

 - Can be a very cool knit, if your residual, like last time will go for ten miles

.  - But I'm not to blame - the third day we go without a definition! The sky in the clouds all the time, no one smeared feces stars can not take.

 - Determines the depth contour lines, beacons, male member! You know, we are entering into the bay! And not just anywhere, but in the homeland of the Mafia!

The submarine is about to enter was in the Gulf of Teulada, which go into the southern part of Sardinia. It was there that the Main Staff sliced ​​our position. Intelligence reported that in this area will be held naval exercises of NATO. In addition, among other things, in Sardinia was the base of nuclear US submarines Maddalena, and to the south, in Sicily - in the town with a beautiful name Sigonella base also housed the American maritime patrol aircraft

. And we went into the smeared, sorry, feces Bay, over which now and then circling the American anti-aircraft - "Orion" - in search of underwater mining. Their search radars continuously driven us into the water. Charge the battery at night was torture martyrdom. Charging is interrupted by the first cry radiometrists:

 - In forty-bearing works airborne radar! The strength of the two signal points!

 - Stop charging! Emergency dive!

And so all night ... And then there's one joy in the night session on podvsplytii submarine raised nose fishing net. Thank God, do not feed, do not wound on the screws. But the depth of the bow hydroplanes were so tangled that Mama Do not Cry! Pop-up in the positional status. Boatswain Egorych with an ax and a knife goes into the nose tip - to chop and cut the nylon tie-up. Then Egorych, an avid fisherman, smelled, the network is exposed to the squid and its yacheyah already stuck several cephalopod creatures.

 - Comrade Commander, let me vynesut lagoons, squid I will type in the whole crew

! The idea of ​​commander like: all bothered the hell out of canned bread, canned potatoes, canned cabbage ... It would be great to diversify the diet of sailors fresh seafood. And XO liked this idea, and the doctor got out onto the bridge "a breath of air through the white stick of health." Boatswain was handed a large edge - galvanized basin galley, and he began to choose from squid trapping gear. But who knew that sly ... er ... popye Sardinians predict signal sensors network ?! And very soon, our submarine basement quietly - on a water cannon - a police boat with three "Marinari carabinieri." Those who were ready for anything, but not to the boarding landing on an unknown submarine (because we do not bear the full stealth no markings, even the board room with cuttings removed). Police looked on dumbfounded fantastic picture: a star (! Finally) Sardinia sky blackened large oceanic submarine, and its nose is the same kind of shady character tyrit the poor Sardinian fishermen squid. I will not try to deny that in the minds of the Carabinieri do not have any thoughts of an all-powerful and omnipresent Sicilian Mafia, which has acquired even a submarine. But we had other thoughts - disappear quickly from the place, so to speak, the illegitimate replenish food stocks. By all the laws of international maritime law, it was a pirate action. Mitigating our fault that we did not break terrvody Italian Republic.

 - Egorych, the sales woman - shouted from the bridge commander - ruby ​​chain to the penis and down urgently

! But the boatswain has already entered into a rage hunting, taking out the network one after another squid.

 - Boatswain, female dog - raised his voice commanding. - In the run up an international scandal

! But the boatswain was not up to international etiquette. Squid were large and decapodiformes, rather decapod, while Yegorycha were only two hands, and I had all the time from their work free of the tenacious tentacles. However, the primacy of the fight against invertebrate mollusks was successful - bleed quickly filled live "torpedoes." Some of them jumped smartly, using the power of the jet, and the boatswain caught them on the deck. Of course, it was very exciting occupation, and Egorych left it all to his head, and as the head and shoulders and chest were smeared with ink that squids were trying to fend off the two-armed enemy.

Some irresponsible person like a doctor with great sympathy watched the battle golovorukogo boatswain with cephalopods creatures.

 - You know - he tried to distract from the commander on duty, - at the heart of three squid

. But the commander did not care how many hearts of the squid.

 - Boatswain, waste-tararat! - He yelled all the open sea. - Urgent dive

! Hearing understandable without translation Russian words, Italians cheered:

 - Oh, Rousseau image of morality! - Waved his arms and rushed to the port. Probably, for help. However, we were able to dive before ...

Perhaps in the Sardinian taverns still someone tells a story about how the Russian submarine came to the Tyrrhenian Sea, specifically in order to steal Sardinian squid, and local fishermen scoff at the narrator for his irrepressible imagination. The main thing is that the international implications were not, even though the Italian Carabinieri accurately determine the nationality of the submarine (another argument for fighting the mat - unmasks the hostilities). Squid is to prepare "steelworker" Mavrina relished not all, why Coca-instructor began to call "kalmovarom". Still, an unexpected production of several varieties of our table and asked for a long time subject to common-dinner conversations, as well as for exercise in wit: Who is funnier retell match boatswain, squid, and the commander of the Carabinieri

. In the eighth month of swimming - it is in the Atlantic - hit new craze is upon us. Assistant in charge of the secret library, found in her grifovannuyu brochure knows how he got into the ship set of secret documents, and more - Adding to the list! The brochure, published in 1938, was classified as "For Official Use Only. "Criminal slang dictionary" only command personnel "was stamped with the seals of the NKVD and was called. Of course, the dictionary has gone from hand to hand, and soon in all compartments pretty smartly "Bota by the hair dryer».

 - Navigator, bitch! - Joyfully shouted from the bridge watch officer miner Simakov. - Write to the magazine, "the approach baldohi 20 hours twenty minutes»

.  - What is the "baldoha"? - Perplexed Lieutenant shturmanenok

.  - The sun! - Explains the doctor. - Special literature should be taught

. By the way, doctors are now called "sculpted" miner - "fish is" assistant - for some reason, "Shchipachev" Telegraphist - "informers", acousticians - "grouse" and wardroom - «raspberry»
 - Comrades fraera - XO announced at the table, when the commander went to the bridge - get together after dinner on a raspberry on official tolkovische except those who do not is down to ride. Who is late - fall to tear at the swastika. By the way, who today commands instead of "all down" shouted "CUT!" Simakov? And who is foolish in the logbook recorded ?! The next time such a bream zamastyryu a mother - without tag does not recognize!