There are people for whom it is much more comfortable to be alone with himself than in society someone else. They try to avoid situations when there are at least somewhat dependent on other people and thus avoid intimacy. Why is this happening and what to do if your partner has a single syndrome, we discuss in this article.
People lone try to build a relationship so as not to bring anyone closer to him than the allowed distance. But much more it concerns emotional intimacy. People with the syndrome recluse trying to build superficial relationships that allow to communicate at some purely external level, not letting anyone deeply "into the soul».
This is because in the early childhood, feeling the urgent need for love, warmth and acceptance, they did not get it from their parents, especially the mother. Every little man is vital care and attention, with nothing formal, but coming from the soul. If for some reason parents can not give it - do not want to or simply do not know how to express their feelings, the child gets into a situation of intense frustration and heartache, and still fear for their lives and future.
The world seems to him a cold and alien, and hence expect from him something good would be a mistake. The only way to silence the inner pain of unsatisfied desires - is to give up those desires most. If you do not need it, then it does not matter, there is at you or not, and so you do not hurt when you do not have this.
If such a person in life there is something from which he refused to self-preservation in the early childhood, he or tries not to notice, and to discount, or accept only superficially, "theoretically", without inner emotional involvement. If the feelings and attitudes of another person causing him a stronger emotional response than that allowed his sense of security, it causes great anxiety and discomfort, as well as the desire to get rid of these feelings, but at the same time, and from a man who called them.
This is because the rapprochement with anyone actualizes a human hermit the heartache he had experienced as a child, rejected by their parents. Fearing to go through the same pain again, again to be faithful, a man tries to avoid even the slightest possibility of such a development. The closer and more expensive it becomes for him a man, the greater the threat it represents for him.
Marriage, or just have a close relationship to such a person is a great test. The constant presence of a number of the other person close emotional and physical contact with him, to represent a real threat to lone own integrity and peace of mind, so he tries to shut out, shut out of this influence. Already maloemotsionalny, it can become even more closed and withdrawn. And any attempt to close the person to bring it out of this state, will meet an aggressive fight back with his hand, appearing tantrums and "confluence" in a gloomy mood, not condusive to a close contact.
Naturally, a person with a different level of needs for intimacy and emotional involvement will be difficult with such a partner nearby. What do you do if you discovered that your partner signs syndrome loners?
1. Drop the hope that your behavior, care and participation will affect its change for the better. It will not change as long as he did not feel the need for such changes. And even then, it can not change on their own, but only with the help of a specialist psychologist. And this is a very long and laborious process, takes a lot of effort and energy. And what kind of person he would be the result, it is difficult to predict in advance. And will that person still likes you, and you give him - the same question.
2. Stop thinking about him as a person who needs your increased attention, warmth and involvement, stop feeling sorry for him and try to compensate for what he did not Doda in childhood. Yes, he, like anyone needs care and attention. But he is quite able to take them from you and as much as he needed, and no more.
3. Accept the fact that he needed to spend more time alone. Do not "settle" on him during these periods, even if they are delayed, it is better to dedicate time to themselves and others, meaningful to you people. If you can not leave it alone, be prepared for aggressive rebuff from him. If you need a much higher degree of emotional contact than he is willing to give you, at the right time to think, and whether to stay with the man, or rather "let go" of his yourself and find someone more suitable.
4. Be prepared for the fact that he will make decisions concerning him personally without first talking with you. In contrast, joint decisions you will have to initiate yourself as a hermit prefers not to think in terms of "we", for it is above all the "I" and "you" and "we" exist theoretically. However, it may take quite favorably to your initiative, if it does not restrict his liberty and independence, and does not threaten the normal life.
5. To give liberty to his beloved, you just need to fill in something else my life. After all, your loved one may allow you to realize only a fraction of emotional involvement, to which you are capable. And what to do with the rest? Here you can help friends, hobbies, work, and entertainment. Keep only those you their behavior did not cause doubts in his own devotion and honesty in relation to the partner-hermit. Despite its apparent coldness and unemotional, he may be capable of outbursts of anger that are difficult to control. His decisions can be quite reckless and always aim to break relations, bringing him pain and discomfort.
Singles - very "inconvenient" partners for those who need a close emotional closeness, but can be a reliable companion of life for people self-sufficient and more focused on themselves and their development than on building relationships. Singles never limit the freedom of your partner, giving him the right choice in all matters, but in return expect a similar behavior of their counterparts.
So, the choice is yours, stay or leave. Do not comfort yourself with illusions change and a better life. So you'll just have to torment himself and his partner, carrying a single syndrome.