Pilot humor

Excerpts from the actual negotiation of air traffic controllers. Have fun in the morning. Although they may be there and funny, but does not know about the passengers and they is not laughing




D: "The board XXX, it seems that you have opened one of the hatches luggage compartment»
P: "Oh, thank you, the tower, but you probably took for the luggage compartment hatch hatch of our auxiliary power unit»
D: "Okay, take off permission»
The aircraft accelerates.
D: "The board XXX, uh-uh ... looks like from your auxiliary power unit started leaking luggage ...»

D: "such a board, you need lighting strips for planting?»
P: "Uh ... oh well, we will do without him.»
A: "It's good, but then we do not have it ..." A (young green, with an instructor): "XXX board, take the train 60.»
No reaction.
D: "XXX board, take the train 60.»
Silence.
D (nervously): "The board XXX answer the dispatcher.»
Instructor - Manager: "I give a tip: maybe his radio does not work?»
D: "XXX board, if you can hear me, click once PTT. If you do not hear me, double-click! »
Pilot (click PTT) "click-click».

Pilot (trying to break through the strong interference in the air): Pshshsh, munching, munching, pshshshsh, munching.
D: "Uh ... I can not hear you, continuous noise. It sounds as if you suck garden hose. »

D: "Follow up one band or three.»
P: "Okay, to strip three-one.»
A: "The answer is wrong, but it's a good idea ... I changed my mind, to follow the band three one ...»

The English pilot was taxiing after a long wait, finally, on the runway, and then he discovers that there are two dogs.
P (angry): "Tower, blah, I have here two f ** Chiyo dog in the middle of the strip.»
A (not too fluent in English): "Sir, to confirm your message: two dogs ** tsya s the middle of the band?»

Manager approach (woman) has just passed the board controller range (men), coordinating land.
P: "We are 12 miles north-west of the strip 5.»
A: "You understand, between you and the airport, everything is clean, allow the approach to the line on the strip 5.»
P (by inertia after talking with a female manager): "Permission to land straight on the strip 5, thanks MADAME ...»
A "board-so, you just call me madam! Landing straight forbid, stop the decline, to maintain the current altitude, it's your turn to land 20 minutes later. »

D: "The board XXX, you crossover board 6 miles, the direction of 10 hours.»
P: "Give another landmark in my digital clock.»

The pilot of the plane, was tortured to wait for their turn to take off, gives the air: "I have already eaten * oh wait!»
A "last aired, identify yourself immediately!»
P: "I said oh, * eating and not sdurel!»

Manager tries to locate the student pilot lost in the air after a long flight.
Q: "What was your last known location?»
A: "When I was second in line for takeoff.»

DC-10 landed in excess of the recommended rate, can not slow down, and long rolls on the strip.
A "board-so, at the end of the band make a vigorous turn. This, of course, if you can. If you can not, take the exit from the airport on the road, at the crossroads turn around and head back to the airport. »

German pilot of Lufthansa at Munich Airport asks in German from ground controllers estimated time of departure.
D (English): "If you want to hear the answer, you must ask in English.»
P (English): "I am a German, a German plane piloted and am in Germany. Why should I have to speak in English? »
He was a perfect English accent answers anonymous pilot of another aircraft:
 - Because you lost the second world!

P: "Tower, when we took off, we saw at the far end of the strip for a dead animal.»
D: "The board, awaiting take-off, you hear?»
Pilot waiting for takeoff, "I heard. We have informed our caterer. »

Ground controller-woman, on the verge of hysteria:
 - On-board in 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn on the taxiway «C», you turned to the «D»! You can not distinguish between C of D? Lord, you are my all in a bunch of mixed! Stay where you are and do not move until I tell you what to do! About half an hour I start to give you instructions on how to steer, and I want you to be directed exactly where I say, when I say and how I say! You clear in 2771 ??
After this tirade in the air for obvious reasons, there was silence, which after some time has broken voice of a pilot:
 - Say, is not you I was once married?

A "board-so, switch on the frequency 119.3»
Silence
A "board-so, switch on the frequency 119.3»
Silence
A "board-so, can you hear me?»
Long pause
P: "The board of such fact, called?»
A: "I have called you four times. Switch on the frequency 119.3 »
A: "No, you have only three times called!»

Pilot joker approaching night to a small provincial airport:
 - Tower, guess who I am?
The shift reaches out to the control panel lighting strips and cut down ALL landing lights.
 - First, you guess where we are? : -D ~

D: "Air France 1234 Refine your aircraft type. You A-320 or A-340?
II (important): Airbus-340, of course!
A: In this case, if you do not make it more difficult to include the other two of your engine and start the climb to intesivnost 2,000 feet per minute?

Time to noon, on the ground has accumulated a pile of aircraft awaiting takeoff clearance.
P: "Tower, this" Alitalia-1234 ", you have to have good news?
A: "Yes. I have a birthday coming up ... »

Stuttgart Airport.
D: "Lufthansa 5680, reduce your speed to 170 knots»
A: "Well, just like in Frankfurt. There, too, one of two things - either 210 or 170 ... but nothing we humans flexible »
A: "We too. Reset the speed to 173 knots ... »

The pilot of the Boeing 747, "United Airlines" tries to joke with the air controller in Sydney, Australia.
P: "Good morning, Sydney, is" United XXX ", we are 50 miles, and see your island ...»
D: "I understand you," United "... permission to fly over the island twice, and then can go to land»

Manager - pilot-American:
 - Reduced to 6000 feet, the atmospheric pressure at the level of the airport in 1011 millibars.
 - You might not translate to inches of mercury?
 - Okay, is reduced to 72 thousand inches of mercury, the pressure of 1011 millibars ...

Civilian aircraft chartered by the Ministry of Defense, the queue waiting to take off.
D: "The board XXX, call your destination»
P: "That's classified information»
Pause.
D: "XXX board, continue to wait for your turn»
P: "Uh ... a long time to wait?»
A: "That's classified information ...»

Over Germany.
D - Italian aircraft to airlines: "Alitalia XXX answer dispatcher»
Silence.
D: "Alitalia XXX answer dispatcher»
Silence.
D: "Alitalia XXX?»
An anonymous pilot with a German accent: "They've seem spontaneous strike»

Over England.
D: "Air France 123, switch on the frequency of ground controllers, and good luck in today's football match between France and England»
Anonymous English pilot of another aircraft, "do not understand, are you serious ?!»
Q: "And then! I'm an Irishman »

D: «KLM, continues to decline to the runway, you are in the fourth stage, the third in front of you»
KLM: «Where is he still be?»

P: "Tower, approximately how much time to wait for takeoff?»
A (exasperated): "Yes, do not have to wait for permission to take off»
P: "Rise ?! Yes, there in front of me nine boards! »
A: "Well, finally came to an idiot, and that's enough already to take away my time!»
Manager rightly suspended for 30 days.

A "737, do you see ahead of you Airbus?»
737: "That's right, we see»
The pilot of the Airbus, joking: "Tower, the amendment: you want to say" in front of you beautiful Airbus. "
D "737 to follow the band one of eight beautiful airbus"
737: "Uh ... um ... well, follow this strashnobusom to strip one-eight ..."

The transport aircraft chartered to transport to Ireland of a rare species of bustards (the size of a small bird partridge), stands on the loading. Apart from cells with birds on board the ship as the SUV "Land Rover".
P: "Georgia bustards and" Land Rover ", receiving & quot;
D: "Uh ... I understand you correctly? You - laden with firewood "Land Rover" ??

Woman pilot in one go, without the commas: "The tower is ready for takeoff!"
D: "I hope not ..."

Two British fighters are flying around. A fighter pilot - the pilot of another:
 - Look for me stretches contrail?
 - No, sir.
 - So, man, you burn ...

The pilot of the Italian "Alitalia", breaking through the interference:
 - It's Italy in 1234, requesting authorization to change a tier.
 - Uh ... genitals 1234 occupied level 230.
 - Good God, sir! We "Alitalia" A, AL, AND, TE, A, EL and I !!!

Inexperienced Manager - pilot "Casa 212" (a small twin-engine aircraft with fixed landing gear):
 - Warning board XXX chassis have extended position!
 - Thank you, sir! They are with us in this position since 1986 ...

Dubai. "Paltsevaty" American jumbo jet pilot on the runway:
 - Tower, the board says XXX, I have all four (engine) rod and light, ready to come off!
It corresponds to the pilot of the next in line for take-off:
 - I have never liked to say it, buddy, but it looks like you have all five rod and light. You lit auxiliary power unit ...

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