What it means to forgive and why it is so difficult

Psychological Mechanisms of Forgiveness: From Theory to Practice





Forgiveness is not just a beautiful word from motivational posters. This is a complex psychological process that can radically change your life. But why do some people manage to forgive easily, while others carry offenses for years? The tower portal understands the intricacies of this phenomenon.


The Anatomy of Forgiveness: What Happens in Our Head?

Imagine forgiveness as a complex surgery on your own soul. You are both a surgeon and a patient, and you must make a decision: leave a painful tumor resentful or decide on an intervention that can change everything.

Modern neuropsychology shows that forgiveness activates the prefrontal cortex, the area responsible for decision-making and emotional regulation. At the same time, the activity of the amygdala is suppressed, which generates feelings of fear and anger. This explains why forgiveness requires conscious effort — we literally rewrite neural connections.

Two faces of forgiveness

Psychologists distinguish two fundamentally different types of forgiveness, and understanding this difference is critical for anyone who wants to free themselves from the burden of resentment.

Type One: Release from Revenge




It's like you stop constantly replaying revenge scenarios in your head. Time heals, new worries distract, and gradually acute pain turns into a dull aching memory. You don’t want to hurt the abuser anymore, but you don’t let them come close.

It's forgiveness-distance. You say, “I don’t want to hurt you, but stay away from me.” This is an absolutely normal psychological reaction.


Type Two: Rebuilding Relationships

And this is where the real magic begins. This forgiveness involves returning to a previous level of intimacy, as if nothing had happened. Sounds like a mission impossible? Not exactly. But it requires a lot of work on yourself.

Studies show that such forgiveness is possible only if several conditions are met: sincere repentance of the offender, understanding the reasons for what happened and mutual desire to preserve the relationship.

What prevents us from forgiving: the main psychological barriers

Self-love kick.

When we are betrayed or hurt, not only the emotional sphere suffers, but also self-esteem. “How could I not notice this?”, “Do I mean so little to this person?” – these questions destroy our self-image.

According to research from the University of Wisconsin, people with high self-esteem forgive more easily because they do not perceive resentment as a threat to their identity.


Forgiveness requires acknowledging, “I was vulnerable, and I was exploited.” This is painful, especially for those who are used to controlling the situation.

Ghosts of memory




Memory is an insidious thing. You can sincerely forgive, but the subconscious mind will periodically “remind” the past through triggers: certain words, places, smells, or situations.

Neuroscientists explain this as memory consolidation. Emotionally colored memories are imprinted especially firmly and can “pop up” at the most inopportune moments.

As psychotherapist Lewis Smedes said, “To forgive is to free a prisoner and discover that you were the prisoner.”


Unworthy of forgiveness

The most painful situation is when the abuser does not admit guilt or, worse, devalues your feelings. “Don’t be so touchy,” “They take water to the offended” – these phrases are like salt to the wound.

In such cases, psychologists recommend practicing "one-sided forgiveness" - not for the abuser, but for their own mental health.

Practical strategies for forgiveness

Techniques for Relief

• The method of “letters that will not go”: Write down everything you think about the abuser without censoring yourself. Then burn the letter, symbolically freeing yourself from the negative.
• The practice of “changing perspectives”: Try to understand the motives of the offender. Not to justify, but to understand. Understanding does not mean consent.
• The technique of "emotional surfing": When there is a wave of anger, do not fight it. Watch the emotion as a bystander.
• The method of “thank you for the lesson”: Find out what this situation has taught you. It may have made you stronger or wiser.
• Practice of “resource state”: Remember the times when you felt strong and confident. Go back to those memories in difficult times.

When forgiveness is contraindicated

It is important to understand that forgiveness is not a universal pill for all ills. There are times when trying to forgive can hurt:

️ Beware of toxic forgiveness.When you force yourself to forgive for the sake of “peace of mind”, but are not internally ready for it. Suppressed emotions can manifest themselves in the form of depression or psychosomatic diseases.


Research on the Benefits of Forgiveness

Dr. Fred Luskin of Stanford University in his study showed that people who practice forgiveness have:

• 30% fewer symptoms of depression
• Improved sleep quality
• Lowering cortisol (stress hormone)
• Stronger interpersonal relationships

Another study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine found that forgiveness reduced the risk of cardiovascular disease by 15%.

Forgiveness as a Spiritual Practice

In many spiritual traditions, forgiveness is not seen as a weakness, but as a manifestation of the highest strength of the spirit. In Christianity, Buddhism and Islam, forgiveness is central.

Dalai Lama XIV: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened. If something painful happened to you, you will always remember it. But forgiveness changes history. ?


Modern psychology confirms the ancient wisdom that forgiveness is an act of self-liberation, not a gift to the offender.

Algorithm of Healthy Forgiveness

Step-by-step instruction

• Step 1: Admitting pain. Don't deny your feelings. Anger, resentment, frustration are normal reactions.
• Step 2: Situation analysis. What exactly happened? What boundaries have you crossed?
• Step 3: Adoption of decision. Are you ready to let go of this situation? If not, don't rape yourself.
• Step 4: Dealing with Emotions. Use breathing techniques, meditation, creativity to work out your feelings.
• Step 5: Establishing boundaries. Forgiveness does not mean allowing a painful experience to be repeated.

The Story of Real Forgiveness

There are many examples of incredible forgiveness. Mandela forgave the jailers, Corai Collins forgave the murderer of her daughter. These people did not become saints, they became free.

No need to look for examples in history. Perhaps your grandmother, who forgave her grandfather for his military exploits on the love front, showed no less courage.

From the Tower Editorial: Remember that every situation is unique. There is no universal recipe for forgiveness. Trust your feelings and seek professional help if necessary.


Conclusion: Forgiveness as the Art of Life
Forgiveness is not a one-off act, but a process. Sometimes long, sometimes painful, but always transformative. This is a skill that can and should be developed. Most importantly, forgiveness begins with forgiveness.
As they say on the Tower portal, “Forgive not for others, forgive for yourself.” Your mental health is more expensive than someone else's self-esteem. ?


Glossary of terms
Trigger.
A stimulus (word, image, situation) that automatically triggers painful memories or emotional reactions.

Prefrontal cortex
The area of the brain responsible for making decisions, planning and controlling emotions.

Almond-shaped
Part of the brain's limbic system responsible for processing emotions, especially fear and aggression.

Memory consolidation
The process of turning short-term memories into long-term memories is particularly strong in emotional events.

cortisol
Stress hormone produced by the adrenal glands in response to stressful situations.

Toxic forgiveness
Forced forgiveness is when a person suppresses their true feelings for the sake of social expectations or false peace of mind.

Resource status
A psychological state in which a person feels strong, confident and able to cope with difficulties.