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Why We Choose Those Who Destroy Us: The Neurology of Toxic Relationships
Emotional tramps: Why the brain confuses pain with love
The narrative of incompleteness: How Childhood Scenarios Drive Choice
Research from the University of Cambridge found that 68 percent of people who grew up in dysfunctional families unconsciously reproduce familiar patterns. Neuroscientists attribute this to the phenomenon of "emotional homeostasis" - the brain tends to familiar states, even if they are destructive. As psychologist Eric Berne once said, “We prefer a familiar hell to an unknown paradise.”
3 Toxic Selection Markers:
- A keen sense of “recognition” at the first meeting
- Passion-disappointment cycle every 2-3 months
- Fear of a “too good” partner
Self-destructive neurology: Why pain attracts
Experiments at the University of Michigan have shown that the combination of dopamine and cortisol creates a unique cocktail of addiction. In unstable relationships, dopamine levels rise by 37% during reconciliation. This explains why 43 percent of those surveyed in the Journal of Relationship Issues say, “I’m bored in a calm relationship.”
Workshop: Reprogramming techniques
1. Make a list of 5 toxic triggers (e.g., jealousy for no reason)
2. Create them antipodes (“calm confidence”).
3. Simulate situations with new reactions every day
4. Record physical sensations in your journal
How to get out of the cycle: 4 steps according to MBT therapy
- Pattern recognition: Keep a "journal of emotional outbursts"
- Revaluation of value: Replace “He wants me” with “He respects me.”
- Time bodyguard: Set a limit on clarifying the relationship (20 min/day)
- Ritual of completion: Symbolically bury the old script
Glossary
Emotional homeostasis: Unconscious desire to maintain the usual emotional background
MBT therapy: A method of mentalization aimed at understanding mental states
Dopamine cycle: Biochemical basis of behavioral reinforcement
“Healthy relationships don’t start with the perfect partner, they start with rethinking your search coordinates.” © Bashny.net
How women keep men on the hook: Psychology of emotional traps and how to avoid them
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