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How to deal with teenagers
Who is a modern teenager? Of course, cutting everyone under one comb is wrong, but a certain collective image still looms. This is often a very smart child who doesn’t want anything in life. He can learn well and can even dance/sing/paint well, but he is not interested.
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He does not want to work, build a career, start a family. His dream is some corner, but a little money for food, so that no one touches. And it's not as bad as if he was taking drugs, but it's still kind of scary. Recognize your child? Then let's figure out what's going on and how to deal with it.
Such children are not fully problematic, because they do not riot against their parents, do not leave the house, but there is a much more serious problem - the absolute lack of desires and motivation. My friend works as a psychologist, deals with teenagers, so she says that she has three clients a week.
She told me a case where we're going to look at the problem. She was visited by the mother of a 15-year-old boy, who, according to her, is not interested in anything and does not want to do anything. It turns out that the boy, let’s call him Yura, does not want to do anything from the list of ordinary things for a teenager. That is, study, work, go to courses, meet with girls and help with the housework.
The child, according to his mother, does not even want to go on vacation. Mom's sad, raised a man, and there's no use. And you know, there's a problem here, but more on that later. My mother tried so hard that my son had all the best: mugs, sections, tutors, summer camps. In the end, she got a son who first sleeps until lunch, and then plays on the computer until night.
The guy's head is golden, as the teachers say, but he doesn't learn well. He goes to school whenever he wants, misses all words. They don’t even go to the kitchen to eat. Grandma brings food to his bedroom. Of course, my mother is desperate.
The picture is as follows, the mother like a cursed hard at work to provide her son with everything he needs, the father most often does not exist or he is not too compassionate. The child is sent to all sorts of sections, occupying it more than completely. About three years ago, he was already doing something, teaching something: English, swimming, preparing for school.
DepositPhotos
Of course, now added a dozen tasks like equestrian sports, tutors and other things. The boy is domestic, does not walk in the yard, and he has no friends. I don't care about TV. According to the boy, even in computer games, he does not play as often as his mother complains.
Well, it's time to get to what the problem is, what went wrong. When a child has only a mother, an active, strong, energetic mother who is engaged in a career and providing for the family, no father or he is not as caring as he would need, the family paradigm is distorted. The mother takes the role of a man, but the role of a mother is replaced by a grandmother or a nanny.
But a grandmother can not become a full-fledged mother, she does not have such levers of power. Mom tries to give her son everything, and he is unhappy and wants nothing. That’s just where the question arises: when and why does he want something? After all, my mother already wanted everything for him, decided, planned and did it.
DepositPhotos
These kids have everything: phones, things, classes for every day, vacation at sea. They don’t have the ability to, so to speak, spit on the ceiling. Just to miss you. But boredom makes you think of something to do and want something. You can’t blame your parents, they do everything for you.
That's all. everything Sometimes it gets absurd. Moms try to protect children from everything they think is dangerous, but often go too far. You know what the paradox is? Such children often grow up in those parents who almost did everything themselves. This is familiar to many, the parents worked, and the child became independent according to their needs.
From the first grade, they went to school, warmed up their own food if no one was home, and also did their homework and were responsible for themselves. These independent children have grown up and become parents themselves, bringing their vision of the world to the heads of their children. How much they complain, they say, and I in your years...
They demand too much from children because they give them too much. For example, Yura’s mother, when asked what kind of behavior she expects from her son, answered: “I want him to do everything himself, obey me, show initiative, be caring, not selfish, but also persistent, punching boy.”
Can you imagine such a person? I'm not. My mom knows she wants the impossible. It's one of two, always. Or music, or dancing, or obedient and caring excellent, or energetic and punchy, but a C. It's not all at once. And do not try to load the child all in a row, as long as he was comprehensively developed.
DepositPhotos
So the child misses a very important stage of development: communication with peers. He just has no time to go with the guys somewhere, to sit in the yard. This is how they enter the social game, how they find their way, discover their desires. We need to give children a little more freedom, not control every step.
After all, there are mothers who do not let you walk with friends, do not allow you to visit. My friend, who is a psychologist, said that sometimes children complain that they have never even been to the movies with friends, only with relatives. And these kids aren't 6, they're 16. And many people complain that mothers check pockets, briefcases, phone.
DepositPhotos
You have to respect boundaries. If a first-grader can still check his pockets so as not to wash his pants with gum, then with a teenager everything is not so. It will seem wild to many, but a child who is already 14 years old must enter the room with a knock, asking for permission to enter. This is a banal respect and respect for his privacy rights.
The situation is not improved by criticism from the mother. Constant reminders, such as “go wash, put on your hat, wash your hands” tell the child that he is still small, that it can still be decided for him. Even little things like that. No matter how it sounds, think about it, parents themselves kill in their children any desires and aspirations.
With their overprotection, parents block the child’s creative energy. He is forbidden what he really wants, he cannot decide for himself. He wants nothing more, because he will be banned, criticized. We want to provide our children with safety and absolute comfort, and we end up taking their lives.
DepositPhotos
Yes, the world is not perfect and cruel, but the parents themselves somehow live in it. And the children will not be able to protect him. We need to allow children to live, to make mistakes, to face evil, because otherwise you cannot learn. Only in this way will real strong personalities grow up who will strive for something, want something.
So what do we do? How do we fix this? Remember what the child asked you to do and then stopped. Believe me, even a simple, absolutely useless in your opinion, walk with friends is necessary for a child for normal psychological health. It is necessary to allow the child a little idleness, let him watch TV, play games, because this is how he knows himself.
DepositPhotos
Of course, you need to introduce some rules, frameworks, but do not limit the child completely. You're doing your best, that's understandable, but you're going to have to accept the fact that sometimes a child just has to idle. He can not constantly study, study, go to clubs and tutors. Everything has to be in balance.
All parents want the best, but sometimes go too far and then reap the benefits. Recently, we wrote about how to raise an independent child who will become a strong personality.
We also told you about the developmental stages of boys and what they need most during this period. This is a very useful cheat sheet for every parent!
Did you like the article? Tell us what you think about it in the comments.
DepositPhotos
He does not want to work, build a career, start a family. His dream is some corner, but a little money for food, so that no one touches. And it's not as bad as if he was taking drugs, but it's still kind of scary. Recognize your child? Then let's figure out what's going on and how to deal with it.
Such children are not fully problematic, because they do not riot against their parents, do not leave the house, but there is a much more serious problem - the absolute lack of desires and motivation. My friend works as a psychologist, deals with teenagers, so she says that she has three clients a week.
She told me a case where we're going to look at the problem. She was visited by the mother of a 15-year-old boy, who, according to her, is not interested in anything and does not want to do anything. It turns out that the boy, let’s call him Yura, does not want to do anything from the list of ordinary things for a teenager. That is, study, work, go to courses, meet with girls and help with the housework.
The child, according to his mother, does not even want to go on vacation. Mom's sad, raised a man, and there's no use. And you know, there's a problem here, but more on that later. My mother tried so hard that my son had all the best: mugs, sections, tutors, summer camps. In the end, she got a son who first sleeps until lunch, and then plays on the computer until night.
The guy's head is golden, as the teachers say, but he doesn't learn well. He goes to school whenever he wants, misses all words. They don’t even go to the kitchen to eat. Grandma brings food to his bedroom. Of course, my mother is desperate.
The picture is as follows, the mother like a cursed hard at work to provide her son with everything he needs, the father most often does not exist or he is not too compassionate. The child is sent to all sorts of sections, occupying it more than completely. About three years ago, he was already doing something, teaching something: English, swimming, preparing for school.
DepositPhotos
Of course, now added a dozen tasks like equestrian sports, tutors and other things. The boy is domestic, does not walk in the yard, and he has no friends. I don't care about TV. According to the boy, even in computer games, he does not play as often as his mother complains.
Well, it's time to get to what the problem is, what went wrong. When a child has only a mother, an active, strong, energetic mother who is engaged in a career and providing for the family, no father or he is not as caring as he would need, the family paradigm is distorted. The mother takes the role of a man, but the role of a mother is replaced by a grandmother or a nanny.
But a grandmother can not become a full-fledged mother, she does not have such levers of power. Mom tries to give her son everything, and he is unhappy and wants nothing. That’s just where the question arises: when and why does he want something? After all, my mother already wanted everything for him, decided, planned and did it.
DepositPhotos
These kids have everything: phones, things, classes for every day, vacation at sea. They don’t have the ability to, so to speak, spit on the ceiling. Just to miss you. But boredom makes you think of something to do and want something. You can’t blame your parents, they do everything for you.
That's all. everything Sometimes it gets absurd. Moms try to protect children from everything they think is dangerous, but often go too far. You know what the paradox is? Such children often grow up in those parents who almost did everything themselves. This is familiar to many, the parents worked, and the child became independent according to their needs.
From the first grade, they went to school, warmed up their own food if no one was home, and also did their homework and were responsible for themselves. These independent children have grown up and become parents themselves, bringing their vision of the world to the heads of their children. How much they complain, they say, and I in your years...
They demand too much from children because they give them too much. For example, Yura’s mother, when asked what kind of behavior she expects from her son, answered: “I want him to do everything himself, obey me, show initiative, be caring, not selfish, but also persistent, punching boy.”
Can you imagine such a person? I'm not. My mom knows she wants the impossible. It's one of two, always. Or music, or dancing, or obedient and caring excellent, or energetic and punchy, but a C. It's not all at once. And do not try to load the child all in a row, as long as he was comprehensively developed.
DepositPhotos
So the child misses a very important stage of development: communication with peers. He just has no time to go with the guys somewhere, to sit in the yard. This is how they enter the social game, how they find their way, discover their desires. We need to give children a little more freedom, not control every step.
After all, there are mothers who do not let you walk with friends, do not allow you to visit. My friend, who is a psychologist, said that sometimes children complain that they have never even been to the movies with friends, only with relatives. And these kids aren't 6, they're 16. And many people complain that mothers check pockets, briefcases, phone.
DepositPhotos
You have to respect boundaries. If a first-grader can still check his pockets so as not to wash his pants with gum, then with a teenager everything is not so. It will seem wild to many, but a child who is already 14 years old must enter the room with a knock, asking for permission to enter. This is a banal respect and respect for his privacy rights.
The situation is not improved by criticism from the mother. Constant reminders, such as “go wash, put on your hat, wash your hands” tell the child that he is still small, that it can still be decided for him. Even little things like that. No matter how it sounds, think about it, parents themselves kill in their children any desires and aspirations.
With their overprotection, parents block the child’s creative energy. He is forbidden what he really wants, he cannot decide for himself. He wants nothing more, because he will be banned, criticized. We want to provide our children with safety and absolute comfort, and we end up taking their lives.
DepositPhotos
Yes, the world is not perfect and cruel, but the parents themselves somehow live in it. And the children will not be able to protect him. We need to allow children to live, to make mistakes, to face evil, because otherwise you cannot learn. Only in this way will real strong personalities grow up who will strive for something, want something.
So what do we do? How do we fix this? Remember what the child asked you to do and then stopped. Believe me, even a simple, absolutely useless in your opinion, walk with friends is necessary for a child for normal psychological health. It is necessary to allow the child a little idleness, let him watch TV, play games, because this is how he knows himself.
DepositPhotos
Of course, you need to introduce some rules, frameworks, but do not limit the child completely. You're doing your best, that's understandable, but you're going to have to accept the fact that sometimes a child just has to idle. He can not constantly study, study, go to clubs and tutors. Everything has to be in balance.
All parents want the best, but sometimes go too far and then reap the benefits. Recently, we wrote about how to raise an independent child who will become a strong personality.
We also told you about the developmental stages of boys and what they need most during this period. This is a very useful cheat sheet for every parent!
Did you like the article? Tell us what you think about it in the comments.
