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How to build a relationship with your daughter
When children grow up and begin to live separately from their parents, this is often a difficult test for the latter. And in this case, rare visits of adult sons or daughters become a real holiday for older mothers and fathers.
However, there is the opposite situation when adult children continue to live with their parents, becoming a real burden. As a result, the relationship between the closest people only deteriorates, but each of them is afraid to take the first step to change everything for the better. What about it?
My daughter is now 29 years old. I recently divorced my husband and moved in with me. Now we are huddled with her and her little grandson in a one-room apartment. Relationships are difficult: the daughter is often angry about and without, can be rude or scandalous right in front of the child, says Olga.
“I tried to live separately, but without success. As soon as I left for the summer cottage, she immediately came for me. I went to town, and she followed. Domestic problems are entirely on me. My daughter says she can’t do anything...
“Every conversation about housing ends with her offering to buy a bigger apartment. He doesn’t want to live alone and hear. I love my grandson and daughter, but at 54 I want peace of mind.
“I already work two jobs. And on rare weekends, I want to rest, be alone, live in a house where things are in the places where I put them. Is that too much?
From the words of Olga, it seems that her daughter is completely unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her life, as well as for the life of her young son. Perhaps in marriage, this lack of the girl was not so noticeable, but in life after the divorce manifested itself from the most unsightly side.
In simple terms, the daughter wants her mother to become her mother again. parentEven two kids at once. The daughter consciously or subconsciously tries to put pressure on the mother emotionally, forcing her to adopt the model of the family, where Olga is the head of the family, and her daughter and grandson are two small helpless children.
And in this case, attempts to escape from her daughter to the country or anywhere else will not save the situation, because the problem will be solved only when this 29-year-old girl learns to be independent. It's not easy.
I'm sure Olga is completely afraid. spoil upAnd so he's trying to smooth out the sharp corners. But this does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it. Therefore, you need to find the strength and courage to take radical measures.
“The two women are now at an impasse. The only way out is to start frankly discussing each other’s behavior. Most likely, you will have to clearly talk to your daughter about the terms and conditions, how and when she should find rental housing, says family psychologist Arina Lipkina.
Of course, a daughter who is obviously afraid of change will be upset. Perhaps she will try to “punish” the mother, for example, by stopping to communicate. But this is necessary not only for Olga herself, but also for her daughter, who must learn to solve her problems and life tasks. Parents can help, but do all the work for an adult girl.
Probably, the mother feels guilty that she could not raise her daughter correctly, that she did not teach her to cope with her own problems alone. But you can't let remorse control yourself.
It is not easy to confront an adult daughter who tries to manipulate you, but retreating and hiding from difficult challenges will not solve the problem. And over time, it will only be more difficult. bad relationship with daughter It will only get worse. Therefore, it is necessary to decide on radical changes as soon as possible, even if the daughter perceives such a decision in bayonets.
However, there is the opposite situation when adult children continue to live with their parents, becoming a real burden. As a result, the relationship between the closest people only deteriorates, but each of them is afraid to take the first step to change everything for the better. What about it?
My daughter is now 29 years old. I recently divorced my husband and moved in with me. Now we are huddled with her and her little grandson in a one-room apartment. Relationships are difficult: the daughter is often angry about and without, can be rude or scandalous right in front of the child, says Olga.
“I tried to live separately, but without success. As soon as I left for the summer cottage, she immediately came for me. I went to town, and she followed. Domestic problems are entirely on me. My daughter says she can’t do anything...
“Every conversation about housing ends with her offering to buy a bigger apartment. He doesn’t want to live alone and hear. I love my grandson and daughter, but at 54 I want peace of mind.
“I already work two jobs. And on rare weekends, I want to rest, be alone, live in a house where things are in the places where I put them. Is that too much?
From the words of Olga, it seems that her daughter is completely unable or unwilling to take responsibility for her life, as well as for the life of her young son. Perhaps in marriage, this lack of the girl was not so noticeable, but in life after the divorce manifested itself from the most unsightly side.
In simple terms, the daughter wants her mother to become her mother again. parentEven two kids at once. The daughter consciously or subconsciously tries to put pressure on the mother emotionally, forcing her to adopt the model of the family, where Olga is the head of the family, and her daughter and grandson are two small helpless children.
And in this case, attempts to escape from her daughter to the country or anywhere else will not save the situation, because the problem will be solved only when this 29-year-old girl learns to be independent. It's not easy.
I'm sure Olga is completely afraid. spoil upAnd so he's trying to smooth out the sharp corners. But this does not solve the problem, but only aggravates it. Therefore, you need to find the strength and courage to take radical measures.
“The two women are now at an impasse. The only way out is to start frankly discussing each other’s behavior. Most likely, you will have to clearly talk to your daughter about the terms and conditions, how and when she should find rental housing, says family psychologist Arina Lipkina.
Of course, a daughter who is obviously afraid of change will be upset. Perhaps she will try to “punish” the mother, for example, by stopping to communicate. But this is necessary not only for Olga herself, but also for her daughter, who must learn to solve her problems and life tasks. Parents can help, but do all the work for an adult girl.
Probably, the mother feels guilty that she could not raise her daughter correctly, that she did not teach her to cope with her own problems alone. But you can't let remorse control yourself.
It is not easy to confront an adult daughter who tries to manipulate you, but retreating and hiding from difficult challenges will not solve the problem. And over time, it will only be more difficult. bad relationship with daughter It will only get worse. Therefore, it is necessary to decide on radical changes as soon as possible, even if the daughter perceives such a decision in bayonets.
