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To say "I love you" is like saying "I want to be with you, and when you're not around, I feel bad and I miss you". To say "I love you" means to say "When I look at you, something softened in me, and I want to hug you and squeeze unto me."

This means to say with the Yanomami Indians: Ya pihi irakema – "I got your being."

This means to say: "a Part of you inside me and lives in me. Because I see you in my dreams, because I feel your presence even when you're not around. Because I can't imagine what it's like to live without you." And after we spoke frankly all that, putting into words the whole soul, after we basically repeated it in the registry office or at city hall, we're getting a divorce – more than half of the cases. So what we should say to ourselves to see who could our Union life?

Love lab in Seattle (Love Lab), created by John and Julie Gottman (John Gottman and Julie), examines the lives of couples in long term. They seek to understand what distinguishes solid and harmonious unions of those couples who (sometimes brightly and sweetly) flash on and immediately off. According to the lab, for a lasting marriage you need to both partners honestly and sincerely answered "Yes" to three questions – simple only in appearance.

1. "Would you like to be friends with this person?" In other words, could you have this man to be rich and rewarding relationship, if you were not sexual partners were not going to have children? This question immediately excludes all those with whom we have primarily physical attraction or plans that are not bound to mundane reality of everyday life. When I say "I love you," says I, "I like to live by your side, even if we are not petting each other and build common plans for the future"?

"Can I tell myself with a certain frankness that I love you with all of your truth?"

2. "Do you respect this person as a person (your personal preference, lifestyle, values)?" In other words, do you respect his world and relationships with other people regardless of his behavior towards you? This allows us to assess whether we like the other person not only for what he gives us (and may end), but also for how it interacts with the world (and this could go on forever). Whether we're talking "I love you" to say "I love you as a gift to the world, which is already your mere presence in it"?

3. "Are you willing to accept that some faults will never disappear?" The flaws that now annoy you from day to day, and almost certainly will continue to force to creak and rumble mechanism your pair: tendency to misplace things or need certainly to meet up with friends every weekend...

If I want to tell her "I love you" "I managed to convince myself that with time everything that does not suit me, smoothed out"? Or I can say "what I love about you, so powerful, so unique and so desirable, that I love you despite everything that distinguishes and will always distinguish you from my ideal"? Can I tell myself with the utmost frankness that I love you and your truth?

As for me, I am happy when you can combine romance and reality. I like it when love takes its rightful place: the feet stands on the ground, and head reaching the stars.

David Servan-Schreiber


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