When mom leaves on time Bashny.Net

Child should be scared!Attachment theory emerged in the 50s gg XX century with the works of Bowlby. As a result of his experiments, and of experiments of his followers were allocated 4 types of child-parent attachment, each of which defines a building close relationships throughout later life.

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That translated into Russian language, more of attachment theory discussed in the bookK. Brish "Therapy of disorders of attachment»

So, there are:

Reliable type of attachment. When the child is in the presence of his mother explores the world and comes into contact with a stranger. The mother responds with anxiety, cry later. And meets her with joy. Anxious-ambivalent. When the mother experiences strong feelings, until the tantrum. On her return the child reacts with resentment, anger, hatred, rejection. Anxious-avoidant. Leaving and coming mother's apparently not causing the child any reaction. The reaction of skin sensitivity and other physiological characteristics indicate a reaction to severe stress. Disruptive attachment. Not fit under any of the three types, but from a reliable notable for its inclusion of episodes or reactions of ambivalent or avoidant type. Or somatic response to separation from mother. For example, a strong muscle tension. These studies were initiated by the intended consequences of increasing frequency of separation from mother in early childhood. Along with the fashion for schooling to independence from the first days of life increase the number of mental disorders. This relationship was supposed to check the researchers.

But time does not stand still and the period of "the kids in daycare, mom to work" has been reversed "I'll always be there". That's what I want to speculate in this article. Bowlby investigated the behavior of children when mom is leaving. I'll try to describe what happens when mom is not leaving on time.

My daughter was attached to me from the first days of life in the most literal sense of the word. I wore her in a sling. Then I explained that convenience. Heavy the stroller is very difficult to descend stairs. And in the tram with her to sit down. Now I understand that it's not just that. She is not having a secure attachment, I intuitively tried to "get", "augment" it with the inversion of the mother-child. This does not mean that now I have a negative attitude to the sling. In my opinion, nothing can be better for gaining the most secure attachment. But the sling is small, it will not help if internally, the mother rejects the baby. I just want to say that my motives for using it were unconscious at the time.

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Having experience in the use of the sling, I don't know how it behaves in the younger child. If at first he sling relies entirely, a little later, starts out of him to be interested in the world through the eyes, still later, reaches up, grabs, clearly indicates the object of his interest, and imposes the requirement to approach him. And if each of these processes supports the mother, as soon as the child begins to walk, in a sling to hold it impossible. In unfamiliar surroundings he grabs mom by the hand, or glances at her periodically, but still moving his own interest.

And if you try to "bind" him when he wants to explore the world, he would kick, bite and scratch. To escape that is. To Express dissatisfaction and desire to right.

What makes the mother who needs the child to stay close to her?She does this, of course, not out of spite, but just because one tear of affection for her unbearable! Not had a secure attachment (and who she was before the 90s and 2000s in our country?), then there is no positive experience of separation, and the unconscious installation reads: "I will not survive the rupture of relations". How to stop a natural desire for curiosity, interest in the study of the world? It's very simple: it is necessary to frustrate today that need, on the basis of the satisfaction which this interest arises as positively stained. Need for security. Child should be scared!

The frightened child is not leering at other people, dogs, cars, trains, first snow. He pressed against the security source – mom. He is now always with her, because he was "weak". It will hurt, if you do not protect it with immunomodulators and lack of contact with other people; he would be a fool not to teach him the letters since 2 years, and then to do the lessons together; he'll get killed on a Bicycle or rollers; steal it if he will be one on the street. The range of hazards is growing as they get older. Any "I" meets "you're weak, you can't."

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Actually, of course, that the mother feels weak and infirm. For power at least on one person, but the total hides deep powerlessness and helplessness.

What about the child? What type of attachment is formed when the mother does not go away ever? Can I call it affection? I think, in the history of any of these types of affection hidden in the dependence. The rope becomes handcuffs, shackles, prison.

Relationship of this person builds exactly the type immutable, which is necessary for any request. They are either to the grave continues with mom. Often it is the story of a mother and son.With either substance. Because rare person will agree to such a lack of freedom in relations. Perhaps, only except for the one that has the same traumatic history in the history. And food, alcohol, tobacco, and so on and so forth, you can get at any time of the day. Without a connection with someone or something people just don't feel safe, because he was "weak and useless, and generally a jerk".

I know that I and my colleagues fell into the trap of perception. When the client is very capable in any case, to the extent the admiration, continues to feel that worthlessness. And there is a discord, distrust. It's tempting to put the stigma of "yeah he just likes to whine!". This is not so.Just recognize their competence, their strength is a means to meet the enormous horror created by a mother: "the world is ugly, you will die alone!»

The pendulum swings with large amplitude, if it was given a big boost. Traumatic twentieth century first took the child's mother, and then mother of the XXI century does not allow to pick up their child, thereby taking away life from him. Braking force gradually reduces the amplitude of the swing of the pendulum. And sooner or later a woman, becoming a mother will be able to be there and not choke this presence. Bound but not binding. I believe in it. published 

 

Author: Tatyana Demyanenko

All photos ©Julia Fullerton-Batten

P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©

Source: //www.b17.ru/article/70775/