People far from psychotherapy, it sometimes seems that the customers do is complain about their parents therapist. This, of course, wrong.
Including because no "parents" as such in the therapist's office and not. These are just images, partly based on reality, which are part of the mental peace of any person. They can be filled with a variety of meanings, and attitudes of painted the most conflicting feelings. Parents are the reason we were born, and the first beings, which will bring disappointment and frustration.
There's only one way to never disappoint his own child — never to have children.
Therefore, the most ideal parents still need to match the not all expectations of the child. Just as even the most perfect life will not protect a single person from disappointment
However, there is a paradox.The smaller security and emotional attachment in relationships with parents, the more often clients will "protect" your parents and your relationship with them.
From any attempt not to criticize the behavior of parents, but also from the idea that this behavior could be somehow inappropriate. "Parents are Holy."
Almost every second song repertoire prisoners about the mother. These songs are the fruit of creativity, so it is hardly written by the authors about the real mother — the songs reflected fantasies about what seems to in my life never happened.
Almost entirely constructed reality will always be "better" reality. Magical. She's not subject to the laws and causal relations. Only one connects this fantasy to reality - each person had a mother. If you take away this imaginary world, a person deprived in childhood secure relationships, nothing remains.
And there is another paradox. The sooner clients start up on the therapy to my soul the idea that the behavior of those closest to you could hurt, the more honest they are in this pain recognize and survive it, the sooner emerges another way parents.
No longer idealized. Not "Holy." You no longer need "integrity".
Instead of trying to justify or explain the behavior of the parents comes to human empathy and the inner point "they did everything they could"
. After going through denial, anger, depression, powerlessness, clients come to acceptance. And suddenly the images of the parents cease to be flat, admitted through the prism of resentment or frustration, filled with volume and come alive.
In complex cases, these images come to life in order to finally lose Holiness. So children who have been placed in an orphanage, cease to make attempts to find biological parents and turns, finally, with all my heart to a foster family.
Those former children who were abused and abuse, begin to believe that the problem was not that they were bad children, only that they were just kids, helpless and defenseless before the power of the criminal adults. And then they have a chance to accept that the problem is not the parenting or the presence of children, and the free choice of an adult — how to be with those who have less power
. And their parents, unfortunately, made a criminal choice.
Sometimes you have to be very scared revived the image of the parent, to remember the horror that was experienced in childhood. And need a lot of support to separate itself from that image and say to him: "I'm not afraid of you, and I am no longer afraid to be like you. I make the choice, and I will never use violence towards those who depend on me, I will defend them, because I'm not you".
And often the images of the parents serve to make the client met with them and stripped them of their expectations, accepted and acknowledged his strength, his maturity. In such cases, the relationship of adult children with them acquiring a new quality. Sometimes getting closer. And often become further. But "further" — the right distance, the relationship ceased to be toxic.
And suddenly, from some unseen depths, there is a lot of warmth and tenderness. As if the "unpacked" something buried long ago, along with sadness and disappointment, sealed with a spell, "I'll never cry about it."published
Author: Svetlana Panina
P. S. And remember, just changing your mind — together we change the world! ©