117
Homemade garbage: What to remember when telling others about your personal life
The advice not to tell others about problems in your personal life is often formulated in the form of a saying: “Do not take the garbage out of the house!”
The saying sounds suspicious. Do you want him? Where to go if you can't take it out? Or should there be no squabble at all? But is that possible?
In fact, the correct version sounded different: “Don’t take the garbage out of the house when the sun sets.”. The meaning of this proverb is about the same as “Morning of the evening of wise men”.
It’s not just that the Slavs believed in witches who rampage at night and use the rubbish of neighbors to cause damage. The fact is that at night a person is too tired and weak, and there is little light to leave the house safely.
This rule is still valid today.
Do not try to restore order in your life when you are tired, chaos and darkness in your mind. It is necessary to sleep, bring the nervous system to a normal state, achieve clarity of mind, and then make important decisions: what is rubbish and what is not, what to get rid of, what is not necessary.
There is another saying, closer to the meaning in which it is used in our time “do not take the garbage”: “Do not throw the garbage out of the house.”
According to the rules of the settlements of our ancestors, garbage should be revenged from corners to the center of the hut, collected and taken away from the settlement. So two goals were achieved at once: around the hut was kept clean and garbage did not interfere with neighbors, and hostile neighbors could not determine from the waste what kind of life and what kind of difficulties in someone else’s hut and how these difficulties can be increased.
So the rule to keep the secret of intimate communication performs two tasks at once. You protect others’ ears from negativity and protect yourself and your partner. We will consider both tasks based on the results of the survey.
Alien ears
Many are sure that other people’s ears definitely have nothing to protect, everyone, of course, is very interested when they are told intimate details, especially defaming one of the participants. This is not always the partner of the narrator, often it is the narrator himself, bouts of masochism and the need for self-reflection occur in people in an unbalanced state not so rare. People willingly engage in self-destruction and even make fun of themselves, hoping to get out of the acute internal conflict. The search for “repentance” and even punishment for relief is a well-known human habit. She often dresses up in the clothes of “humility”, in the need to “drop off the arrogance” and even “take off the crown”.
People and themselves are ready to put in a negative light and partner, if they try to cut the Gordian knot of conflict, which could not be unraveled. Some people get so used to humiliating and humiliating their partners that you don’t feed them bread, let them paint in detail what rags they are, how their legs were wiped again today and what a pig their partner is. Or they're a pig and he's a rag, no matter. They feel that it helps to reflect everything that is happening, get feedback and see the way out. At least let off some steam.
Other people’s ears are perceived by many storytellers at this point as beneficiaries. They are opened before them, shrines are opened to them, they are given the right to judge. An incredible honor!
In fact, there are many negative consequences for other people’s ears (eyes) during such acts of exhibitionism and autoaggression. And you and other people's ears better remember this when you throw your garbage out of the house.
After an act of self-humiliation and humiliation of a partner, a person, as a rule, comes to himself, he does not remain in a bout of masochism and self-destruction. Even if he has a long-term habit of exposing himself and complaining, and he no longer worries about the fact that this happens to him regularly, he is still not in a state of rags all the time. Eyewitnesses to his poor state in normal condition seem to him almost invaders. They took advantage of his weakness and penetrated into his inner world, seeing him from the negative side. They literally stuck their nose in his trash and dug into it with curiosity.
Do not be surprised if among those who discuss their intimate details with you, you will find many secret detractors. They are angry with themselves for talking, and they are angry with you for being “beneficiaries” (although the benefits are usually zero, but if they think they’ve burdened you, they’ll get even more angry). People don’t like people who see them in a negative way. People love those to whom they can look noble and beautiful. And those who rise from above in moments of revealing hidden corners (advises, criticizes, encourages), people even hate, even if they do not realize this hatred. Psychotherapists know this well and always keep a distance, do not get close to those with whom they work. Friendship between a psychologist and a patient is not possible (unless long after work). And many of the friends try to make themselves psychologists and do not understand that they destroy friendship by pouring their slag.
For some reason, many people associate friendship only with such a slag, for which there are very many excuses: “without feedback there is no reflection” (on the contrary, real reflection can be developed by ceasing to open publicly with the foam like a beer bottle that has been shaken, and starting to evaluate yourself independently), “if you do not share, you can go crazy with emotions” (or develop your own supports, without resorting to external ones), “if you do not turn inside out, there will be intimacy” (maybe a much more stable and benevolent intimacy, and not paroxification after merging and affecting).
Protecting yourself and your partner
The fact that opening other hidden corners of personal life, and even in the negative light of resentment and jealousy, you are exposed, probably understandable. This information can be used against you and your partner. If you knew your partner, he would be offended or even angry, but many, especially women, justify it as follows:
Another typical female argument (some men sin against them too).
People often believe that the mere statement that they love and want to be together, enough to level any negative information about the partner. He is rude, lazy, dull in sex, earns little, finds fault with trifles, behaves like a pig in everyday life, likes to brag, whine, get drunk in junk, but she still loves him. So he is certainly on top, no one humiliates him with stories, because the highest throne in the world is her love. She loves him, so he is above everyone. But only her crown thinks so.
Many (most often women) argue when a partner learns that his problems at work or his behavior in bed were discussed with girlfriends. They know that I love you very much. You might think that your love will prevent you from laughing at your partner or thinking about what a fool he is. You might think that you are an authority to your surroundings and that your love is a prize. Yes, you can fall in love with the latest pig, your friends have long understood this, if you paint the shortcomings of partners not for the first time. They hardly respect you and your love doesn’t make your partner look better in their eyes.
But most importantly, your partner doesn’t care that you “love” him or her if you disrespect him or her.
Respect is more valuable than your “love.” Through “love” (merging), you consider it a personal thing that you can discuss. “I’m talking about my personal life,” such talkers exclaim indignantly. Yes, but with a partner you share a personal life, it's like a shared apartment, you can't go and sell or rent out, you have to either separate or agree.
The most powerful argument: But one woman was silent and did not tell anyone that her husband beat her, and then he killed her.
About physical abuse of you or children, it is best to run and tell the police. You can have a lawyer for advice. It is possible for a psychologist, especially a specialist in working with victims of violence. It can be a close person who is able to help you financially and morally. To help is not to talk, to help is to help do something urgently, without delay.
Collecting a circle of friends and discussing in such a situation can be not only meaningless, but also harmful. You can talk and calm down, you can be told stories like this, and you think it's not that bad. You may be told to “abandon him and run,” but most likely it will be those who are lonely and you may take it as an anti-advice, they say run and be like me.
Discussions of the situation rarely contribute to action. Most often, the entire reserve of resentment and anger is exhausted in the process of discussion. Very soon, the prosecutor becomes the defendant's lawyer, pay attention. You can be sure that when it is important for a psychologist to relieve stress from a person, dangerous activity or even shock (when working with freed hostages for example), he tries to talk to him: talking means calming, relaxing. Discussing everything in detail, you get rid of the energy of action and come to balance. All right, let's talk it out, let's go to bed. The situation remains in place. "Thank you, dear ones," you say. - I feel better! But if the task is a relief, what is the reflection that you see? Chatika is a substitute for alcohol, but don’t consider it safe. It can be devastating if you sweep away the garbage.
This does not mean that you cannot discuss your personal life with anyone or anything.
You can follow the rules.
1. Imagine that your partner hears what you say about them. If you don’t have feelings of fear and shame, you’re probably not stepping into common territory. The state of affect, when you "whatever, let him know!" does not count, it is important to evaluate it in a calm state. Not stepping into a common territory is important to feel within your boundaries. Only by being right and feeling right can you govern. Otherwise, your addiction grows, even if you think that you are rebelling, pouring sludge on your partner. Slaves always rebel when the master does not hear. After such cowardly riots, a vicious circle begins: guilt, going down, accumulating new discontent, rebellion in the form of sweeping out new garbage.
2. Reflect first, and then tell. That is, do not pour unreflected flow. When you invite guests into the house, you prepare food, put clean cups on the table. You do not throw dirty dishes and a bowl of dough on the table, inviting guests to participate. By doing this, you show respect to the people who come to you and want to spend time pleasantly without digging into your dirty laundry (unique of course). Tell us a situation (taking into account paragraph 1!) about which you already have a reflection and even an approximate conclusion. Let your friends have an opinion about it, compare your conclusion and theirs, it will bring you closer, and will take, and help stretch your brains. Usually reflected situations sound artistic and instructive, interesting and witty. It’s really interesting to listen and discuss. But if you do not understand that, how, where, what, you throw down the flow of emotions on the environment (and this is more than once a year due to acute shock, and often happens to you), you are like a housewife who invites guests, but comes out to them in a nightcap, with a night pot, reporting that it is all because of trust. Can you trust a little less?
And the last thing about the environment, which is protecting your future:
If you like to talk about your partner, you gradually create a vacuum around you. It is unlikely that anyone will trust you, knowing that you do not hold your tongue when you are emotional. This applies even to friends, and especially to potential candidates. They may not come close to you, knowing that your former (former) discussed in a narrow or wide chat room from the most intimate sides. You may wonder why everyone you know prefers a friendzone with you and no one wants to even just sleep and certainly not have a relationship. Because no one wants to become another object for your dissection under lock and key. Although you probably think it's an honor.
Well, you make your person weaker with such rust. His own figure in his field. I’ll tell you more about it later, though that’s probably the most important thing. Some people probably understand what I mean. When you complain about low self-esteem, and you yourself are constantly exposed in public, it is not clear where normal self-esteem will come from, if you constantly stand in the position of a miserable humiliated poor thing and grow this image in your own eyes and others, concrete it with repetitions. published
Author: Marina Komissarova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: //evo-lutio.livejournal.com/421844.html
The saying sounds suspicious. Do you want him? Where to go if you can't take it out? Or should there be no squabble at all? But is that possible?
In fact, the correct version sounded different: “Don’t take the garbage out of the house when the sun sets.”. The meaning of this proverb is about the same as “Morning of the evening of wise men”.
It’s not just that the Slavs believed in witches who rampage at night and use the rubbish of neighbors to cause damage. The fact is that at night a person is too tired and weak, and there is little light to leave the house safely.
This rule is still valid today.
Do not try to restore order in your life when you are tired, chaos and darkness in your mind. It is necessary to sleep, bring the nervous system to a normal state, achieve clarity of mind, and then make important decisions: what is rubbish and what is not, what to get rid of, what is not necessary.
There is another saying, closer to the meaning in which it is used in our time “do not take the garbage”: “Do not throw the garbage out of the house.”
According to the rules of the settlements of our ancestors, garbage should be revenged from corners to the center of the hut, collected and taken away from the settlement. So two goals were achieved at once: around the hut was kept clean and garbage did not interfere with neighbors, and hostile neighbors could not determine from the waste what kind of life and what kind of difficulties in someone else’s hut and how these difficulties can be increased.
So the rule to keep the secret of intimate communication performs two tasks at once. You protect others’ ears from negativity and protect yourself and your partner. We will consider both tasks based on the results of the survey.
Alien ears
Many are sure that other people’s ears definitely have nothing to protect, everyone, of course, is very interested when they are told intimate details, especially defaming one of the participants. This is not always the partner of the narrator, often it is the narrator himself, bouts of masochism and the need for self-reflection occur in people in an unbalanced state not so rare. People willingly engage in self-destruction and even make fun of themselves, hoping to get out of the acute internal conflict. The search for “repentance” and even punishment for relief is a well-known human habit. She often dresses up in the clothes of “humility”, in the need to “drop off the arrogance” and even “take off the crown”.
People and themselves are ready to put in a negative light and partner, if they try to cut the Gordian knot of conflict, which could not be unraveled. Some people get so used to humiliating and humiliating their partners that you don’t feed them bread, let them paint in detail what rags they are, how their legs were wiped again today and what a pig their partner is. Or they're a pig and he's a rag, no matter. They feel that it helps to reflect everything that is happening, get feedback and see the way out. At least let off some steam.
Other people’s ears are perceived by many storytellers at this point as beneficiaries. They are opened before them, shrines are opened to them, they are given the right to judge. An incredible honor!
In fact, there are many negative consequences for other people’s ears (eyes) during such acts of exhibitionism and autoaggression. And you and other people's ears better remember this when you throw your garbage out of the house.
After an act of self-humiliation and humiliation of a partner, a person, as a rule, comes to himself, he does not remain in a bout of masochism and self-destruction. Even if he has a long-term habit of exposing himself and complaining, and he no longer worries about the fact that this happens to him regularly, he is still not in a state of rags all the time. Eyewitnesses to his poor state in normal condition seem to him almost invaders. They took advantage of his weakness and penetrated into his inner world, seeing him from the negative side. They literally stuck their nose in his trash and dug into it with curiosity.
Do not be surprised if among those who discuss their intimate details with you, you will find many secret detractors. They are angry with themselves for talking, and they are angry with you for being “beneficiaries” (although the benefits are usually zero, but if they think they’ve burdened you, they’ll get even more angry). People don’t like people who see them in a negative way. People love those to whom they can look noble and beautiful. And those who rise from above in moments of revealing hidden corners (advises, criticizes, encourages), people even hate, even if they do not realize this hatred. Psychotherapists know this well and always keep a distance, do not get close to those with whom they work. Friendship between a psychologist and a patient is not possible (unless long after work). And many of the friends try to make themselves psychologists and do not understand that they destroy friendship by pouring their slag.
For some reason, many people associate friendship only with such a slag, for which there are very many excuses: “without feedback there is no reflection” (on the contrary, real reflection can be developed by ceasing to open publicly with the foam like a beer bottle that has been shaken, and starting to evaluate yourself independently), “if you do not share, you can go crazy with emotions” (or develop your own supports, without resorting to external ones), “if you do not turn inside out, there will be intimacy” (maybe a much more stable and benevolent intimacy, and not paroxification after merging and affecting).
Protecting yourself and your partner
The fact that opening other hidden corners of personal life, and even in the negative light of resentment and jealousy, you are exposed, probably understandable. This information can be used against you and your partner. If you knew your partner, he would be offended or even angry, but many, especially women, justify it as follows:
- He should be happy that I let off steam, he gets less negativity.
- He should be happy that I value our relationship and actively seek a way out.
Another typical female argument (some men sin against them too).
- I wouldn't mind him talking to my friends.
People often believe that the mere statement that they love and want to be together, enough to level any negative information about the partner. He is rude, lazy, dull in sex, earns little, finds fault with trifles, behaves like a pig in everyday life, likes to brag, whine, get drunk in junk, but she still loves him. So he is certainly on top, no one humiliates him with stories, because the highest throne in the world is her love. She loves him, so he is above everyone. But only her crown thinks so.
Many (most often women) argue when a partner learns that his problems at work or his behavior in bed were discussed with girlfriends. They know that I love you very much. You might think that your love will prevent you from laughing at your partner or thinking about what a fool he is. You might think that you are an authority to your surroundings and that your love is a prize. Yes, you can fall in love with the latest pig, your friends have long understood this, if you paint the shortcomings of partners not for the first time. They hardly respect you and your love doesn’t make your partner look better in their eyes.
But most importantly, your partner doesn’t care that you “love” him or her if you disrespect him or her.
Respect is more valuable than your “love.” Through “love” (merging), you consider it a personal thing that you can discuss. “I’m talking about my personal life,” such talkers exclaim indignantly. Yes, but with a partner you share a personal life, it's like a shared apartment, you can't go and sell or rent out, you have to either separate or agree.
The most powerful argument: But one woman was silent and did not tell anyone that her husband beat her, and then he killed her.
About physical abuse of you or children, it is best to run and tell the police. You can have a lawyer for advice. It is possible for a psychologist, especially a specialist in working with victims of violence. It can be a close person who is able to help you financially and morally. To help is not to talk, to help is to help do something urgently, without delay.
Collecting a circle of friends and discussing in such a situation can be not only meaningless, but also harmful. You can talk and calm down, you can be told stories like this, and you think it's not that bad. You may be told to “abandon him and run,” but most likely it will be those who are lonely and you may take it as an anti-advice, they say run and be like me.
Discussions of the situation rarely contribute to action. Most often, the entire reserve of resentment and anger is exhausted in the process of discussion. Very soon, the prosecutor becomes the defendant's lawyer, pay attention. You can be sure that when it is important for a psychologist to relieve stress from a person, dangerous activity or even shock (when working with freed hostages for example), he tries to talk to him: talking means calming, relaxing. Discussing everything in detail, you get rid of the energy of action and come to balance. All right, let's talk it out, let's go to bed. The situation remains in place. "Thank you, dear ones," you say. - I feel better! But if the task is a relief, what is the reflection that you see? Chatika is a substitute for alcohol, but don’t consider it safe. It can be devastating if you sweep away the garbage.
This does not mean that you cannot discuss your personal life with anyone or anything.
You can follow the rules.
1. Imagine that your partner hears what you say about them. If you don’t have feelings of fear and shame, you’re probably not stepping into common territory. The state of affect, when you "whatever, let him know!" does not count, it is important to evaluate it in a calm state. Not stepping into a common territory is important to feel within your boundaries. Only by being right and feeling right can you govern. Otherwise, your addiction grows, even if you think that you are rebelling, pouring sludge on your partner. Slaves always rebel when the master does not hear. After such cowardly riots, a vicious circle begins: guilt, going down, accumulating new discontent, rebellion in the form of sweeping out new garbage.
2. Reflect first, and then tell. That is, do not pour unreflected flow. When you invite guests into the house, you prepare food, put clean cups on the table. You do not throw dirty dishes and a bowl of dough on the table, inviting guests to participate. By doing this, you show respect to the people who come to you and want to spend time pleasantly without digging into your dirty laundry (unique of course). Tell us a situation (taking into account paragraph 1!) about which you already have a reflection and even an approximate conclusion. Let your friends have an opinion about it, compare your conclusion and theirs, it will bring you closer, and will take, and help stretch your brains. Usually reflected situations sound artistic and instructive, interesting and witty. It’s really interesting to listen and discuss. But if you do not understand that, how, where, what, you throw down the flow of emotions on the environment (and this is more than once a year due to acute shock, and often happens to you), you are like a housewife who invites guests, but comes out to them in a nightcap, with a night pot, reporting that it is all because of trust. Can you trust a little less?
And the last thing about the environment, which is protecting your future:
If you like to talk about your partner, you gradually create a vacuum around you. It is unlikely that anyone will trust you, knowing that you do not hold your tongue when you are emotional. This applies even to friends, and especially to potential candidates. They may not come close to you, knowing that your former (former) discussed in a narrow or wide chat room from the most intimate sides. You may wonder why everyone you know prefers a friendzone with you and no one wants to even just sleep and certainly not have a relationship. Because no one wants to become another object for your dissection under lock and key. Although you probably think it's an honor.
Well, you make your person weaker with such rust. His own figure in his field. I’ll tell you more about it later, though that’s probably the most important thing. Some people probably understand what I mean. When you complain about low self-esteem, and you yourself are constantly exposed in public, it is not clear where normal self-esteem will come from, if you constantly stand in the position of a miserable humiliated poor thing and grow this image in your own eyes and others, concrete it with repetitions. published
Author: Marina Komissarova
P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness – together we change the world!
Source: //evo-lutio.livejournal.com/421844.html
